Tonight I went and saw Big Hero Six with the roommates and it was so cute and enjoyable and I definitely recommend.


Somehow, I've been feeling a bit better since professors told me about the major issue they're all having concerning me.  Maybe it is because the paranoia that overtook me when I received my results - which was that people thought I made mistakes and wasn't good enough or as good as others so despite my best efforts it just wasn't enough - was not true in the end.

On some level, however, I feel as though I should be more concerned about this problem they're having: that I don't care enough about one specific thing.  It has concerned me in the past, but more in the back of my mind, rather than something that seems to be apparent to everyone and is something people are actively worried about.  Perhaps I should care more about the fact that people are worried.

But on some level it also feels like a weight has been lifted, and it is more than just the reinforcement of my skills and...alleged non-suckiness (which of course I will forget and spiral into self-hate again in the future because lol why not).  Rather...maybe it is an acknowledgement of a huge problem I have been having, but never really gave voice to because on some level it does frighten me.  I've never been able to settle on one thing.  I was going for law for a long time and then I got bored.  When I was in high school I thought about journalism.  Got bored.  Political science has been the thing that has grasped my attention the longest.  I don't want to be bored with it.  But in my trying to not be bored, I guess I have spread myself too thin, asking too many questions in a number of different areas.  Although that satisfies my intellectual side, it also is not very good for a professional scholar, who is meant to learn specific things in a specific field.

So I guess it gets the whole dilemma I have been having about whether or not I should be here and maybe I should be doing something different.

The problem is that I have no idea what even really interests me intellectually anymore.  What would grasp my attention for more than a fleeting amount of time?  It is hard to tell, especially when I have been in a down state of depression lately, where nothing really interests me at all and I just want to disappear.  Even now, I should be reading something for tomorrow and preparing a lesson plan, but I read the first chapter and couldn't really bring myself to do anymore (so I instead graded a decent amount of papers today...though I still need to do more before my evening class tomorrow).

I started thinking about the possibility of going through the dissertation just to get the degree.  Kind of forcing myself into something to obtain the doctorate, and then instead of immediately going on the job market...taking some time off.  The PhD would obviously help anywhere I choose to apply, and so I kind of still want it, even if I'm unsure right now of what I really want to do or want in the end.  The idea of getting the degree and then basically skipping town for a year to go on some weird journey to find myself/find what I truly am passionate about is really appealing at the moment.  Only problem is that I'm confident that people would be less than pleased with me if I announced that as a possibility.  They want us on the market before we even graduate, and yet I'm sitting here thinking about doing the opposite.  Obviously, this would hurt my chances in academia, as apparently taking time off is not seen as very good.

Really, if I could, I would take that journey now.  But that option isn't exactly available to me at this point in my life.


Friend S has been looking for internships and he said if he gets a certain one he will be in California.  And then when he told me I should visit him (after I said I have never been) if he gets it, I felt weird.  I said maybe, because I was also thinking about who else is in Cali, and even the thought of being in the same state makes me a little anxious.

I'm trying to refrain from having feels, because he has a girlfriend and has been with her for a long time.  I don't want to do anything to harm that, but I also like messaging him a lot.  Feels have been easy to avoid probably because of distance and only textual conversation.  I wonder if it would be different if I saw him every day, or if I still would have no feels because I just don't get them a lot of times for a lot of people.