So I spoke with two professors today about the result of my comps.  And, unlike what I was originally thinking, it wasn't that it was a bad presentation or a bad paper.  Rather, it seems as though the major concern when it comes to me is more...fundamental.

They're not sure if I really care about this.

And not in the "oh you're so apathetic," sort of way.  But more in that they cannot figure out what interests me.  Whereas they can look at roommate B and say "yeah he's into liberalization and structural adjustment programs and IPE" and roommate C and immediately think of LGBTQ+ rights, they cannot think of any one specific thing for me.

That's probably because I myself cannot think of a specific thing.

I've always had this problem.  I'll be really into something for a little bit, and then if I'm invested in it too long, I become bored with it and want to move on to something else.

Thus, they are afraid that I am going to be (/remain, let's be honest) miserable, and that I'll end up hating what I do and they said they would hate to see that.  Both of them remarked that I have unanimous praise from the faculty; that my skills are not in question.  One said that someone called me brilliant, and the other said that my combination of skills (math+writing) was very impressive and that my presence in the department raised the standard in the program.  The latter also said that he thinks I have the best native skills out of anyone in the program, and that I'm technically one of the strongest.

But they also said that it isn't uncommon for those types to be uninterested in one thing.  And not being interested in one narrow area or subfield is difficult to account for if I want to stay in this profession.

I do have that fear, honestly, that nothing is going to grasp me enough for me to want to devote the next few years of my life to it.  Right now I would say that I'm into foreign policy and intelligence, but - as was pointed out to me - that might be a function of the project I have been working on rather than an innate interest of mine.

This is something I need to think more about.  (So...more posts about it to follow, hopefully.)