The way my mom said 'we love you' at the end of our phone conversation today made me tear up.

My dad too, when he told me that no matter what, they would always love me, and that Callie loves me.  Even if I had failed and everything, they would all still love me.

It's obvious that I'm making them sad.  That my always calling them sounding depressed and tired and weary is doing that and I feel awful about it.

To my dad I started word vomiting about me wondering what the point of everything even was and how I'm so discouraged because there is no light at the end of the tunnel and how I'm so disillusioned with academia and everything.  (And, despite the obvious choice of leaving, I won't, because again, I don't feel as though I have a marketable skill set, meh.)

I wonder if that alarmed him.  I don't know.


I have two emails from professors wanting to meet with me, and I just keep staring at them when I open them without actually reading anything.  And then I close it.  Because I'm fucking terrible, I guess.