Concert was quite enjoyable, and luckily I finished almost all of my reaction paper for Monday before I went.
Plus I got to see friend! She was, as always, great company, and allowed me to ramble a lot about stupid life shit that I'm sure annoys her but she lets me do it anyway which I greatly appreciate.
On the way home I did get a little weird and thoughts took over and it was dumb but then music was able to distract me and stuff I guess.
I don't know right now I'm in this odd mixture of being somewhat relaxed because I genuinely had a good time and was happy to see friend, but at the same time I feel kind of broken (emotionally; physically I'm surprisingly fine right now) and blank. Those two things should juxtapose each other. But they just are kind of...both there.
Eh, maybe sleep will help.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Saturday, November 29, 2014
The Hanging Tree
Also I have too many feels about this song and it was done really well in the movie and it was one of my favourite things in the book so I am pleased but still have feels all over the place, especially concerning the actual lyrics.
Friday, November 28, 2014
I'm realizing more and more that I should have done more work over the week, but at the same time I also know that I needed to relax and that is what I tried to do and everything. Plus, it took some time for me to get any sort of motivation in order to write or read or do anything.
Went and saw Mockingjay again, and it is a good sign that I still enjoyed it.
Thanksgiving was also a good time, and we actually played some games this year to make it better than usual. It was nice; it helped me not think about all the depressing things that have been rolling around constantly in my head.
I do feel bad; I was supposed to hang out with a friend today but I had to do work and already had plans to go to movies with sisters and stuff. I do want to try and hang tomorrow if I possibly can; if I can't, maybe I'll be able to do lunch on Sunday before I leave, I don't know. I feel bad, but I do need to write a paper before Sunday at 5, and then I really ought to leave before then. Plus, I am going to Say Anything concert tomorrow in Jersey so that is going to suck up at least half the day, and I probably won't get back until after midnight or one in the morning or even later. It will depend on how late they get on and how late they end.
I'm not looking forward at all to going back to Bing on Sunday. I feel like this week just flew by and that sucks because I still don't feel particularly rested. But I guess I just won't because I'm still doing a fuck ton of work and I'm still struggling with whether or not this is even what I want anymore and I am just a big mess.
Went and saw Mockingjay again, and it is a good sign that I still enjoyed it.
Thanksgiving was also a good time, and we actually played some games this year to make it better than usual. It was nice; it helped me not think about all the depressing things that have been rolling around constantly in my head.
I do feel bad; I was supposed to hang out with a friend today but I had to do work and already had plans to go to movies with sisters and stuff. I do want to try and hang tomorrow if I possibly can; if I can't, maybe I'll be able to do lunch on Sunday before I leave, I don't know. I feel bad, but I do need to write a paper before Sunday at 5, and then I really ought to leave before then. Plus, I am going to Say Anything concert tomorrow in Jersey so that is going to suck up at least half the day, and I probably won't get back until after midnight or one in the morning or even later. It will depend on how late they get on and how late they end.
I'm not looking forward at all to going back to Bing on Sunday. I feel like this week just flew by and that sucks because I still don't feel particularly rested. But I guess I just won't because I'm still doing a fuck ton of work and I'm still struggling with whether or not this is even what I want anymore and I am just a big mess.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
I was able to read the article I want to use for my second review for MLE but I've yet to actually write the thing. Honestly, I should try and do that; if I keep not doing work I'm going to regret it on Sunday when I have a ton of things to do. Especially since Saturday is pretty much unavailable due to concert in Jersey. Friend wants to try and meet up beforehand for noms and I am pretty sure the doors open at 7 so I should probably be there by five or six, meaning I ought to leave here by three or four the latest.
It might also be best for me to try and do it now because sisters are out of the house right now, meaning less distractions for me and everything.
I've been hung up on my post about my cynicism and everything. It is kind of sad how true all of that really is. Honestly I have been having trouble trying to find reasons to do much of anything; it might be one of the reasons my work ethic has just been on a downward spiral for some time now.
As per what was suggested to me, I've been trying to pay attention to anything that really excites me. What sucks is when I find that right now...that is all fictional. As in, I get more excited about things happening in fiction than I do about anything in real life. When I was speaking with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, I guessed that maybe this was because I prefer those worlds to the one we live in; that it is an escape for me. But I find it sad that I seem to get more excited about examining the politics of worlds that do not exist. It makes things really...inconvenient, if that is the right word to use.
In addition, my...admittance about lingering feels over the ex himself rather than just the idea of him has put me back into this weird funk. As in, I don't really want to talk to anyone, and I just am kind of sad for no particular reason and I just feel...weird, as I have described to Friend S. And I'm angry at myself, because I should not feel this way. Not after all this time and not after my full recognition of what he was and how terrible he acted towards me. Maybe it is a function of the month or something? I'm not really sure. All I know is that it is fucking idiotic.
It might also be best for me to try and do it now because sisters are out of the house right now, meaning less distractions for me and everything.
I've been hung up on my post about my cynicism and everything. It is kind of sad how true all of that really is. Honestly I have been having trouble trying to find reasons to do much of anything; it might be one of the reasons my work ethic has just been on a downward spiral for some time now.
As per what was suggested to me, I've been trying to pay attention to anything that really excites me. What sucks is when I find that right now...that is all fictional. As in, I get more excited about things happening in fiction than I do about anything in real life. When I was speaking with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, I guessed that maybe this was because I prefer those worlds to the one we live in; that it is an escape for me. But I find it sad that I seem to get more excited about examining the politics of worlds that do not exist. It makes things really...inconvenient, if that is the right word to use.
In addition, my...admittance about lingering feels over the ex himself rather than just the idea of him has put me back into this weird funk. As in, I don't really want to talk to anyone, and I just am kind of sad for no particular reason and I just feel...weird, as I have described to Friend S. And I'm angry at myself, because I should not feel this way. Not after all this time and not after my full recognition of what he was and how terrible he acted towards me. Maybe it is a function of the month or something? I'm not really sure. All I know is that it is fucking idiotic.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Talking to anyone who doesn't really understand why rioting is happening in Ferguson is frustrating. It is especially frustrating when it is one of your parents, who started to almost mock it until you angrily stepped in, trying to explain the prevalence of white cops killing unarmed black men and how, since law enforcement and the justice system have failed, the community is turning to the last resort: violent protests. That looting is a product of that from a minority of people and that those people often just detract from the real message, but that it is more those opportunists who take advantage of the chaotic situation. But overall, violence is neither an unexpected nor an irrational response to the injustice that happened and continues to happen.
Once again it is one of those "don't talk politics with a political scientist" situations.
It is why I hate talking about politics with people who aren't political scientists.
Once again it is one of those "don't talk politics with a political scientist" situations.
It is why I hate talking about politics with people who aren't political scientists.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Cynicism
There are some days where I wonder if I am far too cynical for my age.
Those days are becoming less and less frequent lately. I've become comfortable in my cynicism and my distrust of humanity and of those in power and of society in general.
Yes, this reaction is partially a result of the grand jury decision in Ferguson (which was bullshit and completely predictable when the prosecutor began his little speech basically by blaming social media for "rumours" and all that nonsense). As a white woman, I will never understand the true pain of this injustice, but it does fuel my cynicism.
Once upon a time, I had hope. I really did. I had hope in people, that most of them were as good as my parents, and could love as much as they do. I had hope in laws, that they would be interpreted and enforced justly. I had hope in the government, that those in power would do what they could to help their nation's citizens achieve health and happiness. I had hope in love, and in humanity, and in the idea that bad realities could be changed.
That hope has basically vanished. It is sad, really. I am only 24, and yet everything seems so hopeless and bleak and dark, and right now only my family and my pup and some of my friends (not even all of them...how sad is that?) can bring me even a memory of times when I did not feel like nothing would ever get better.
My area of study brings me to the darkest corners of humanity, so it is no surprise really that the hope I once had in the government to positively change things has vanished. I find reasons for why politicians act the way they do, why corruption seems to be a rational response to some circumstances, why we often see immoral decisions and injustice from government and law enforcement... People who mock my study do not realize how morally taxing it could be. You learn slowly that voting doesn't really matter, that even mass mobilization rarely brings about change, that politicians only ever want to please their narrow constituencies, that anti-intellectualism and anti-science positions can make sense from an office-seeking standpoint, and more. I don't know why I remain in such a demoralizing field; it is fascinating, I guess, in a way. Or maybe it is because I don't know what else I can do.
Then of course, my nonprofessional life has just made me lose hope in humanity and love. Growing up with my parents, I guess I naively believed that most people were like they are. Kind, loving...they make mistakes but they (usually) acknowledge them...they are strong in their convictions and try their best and try to be fair.
And when I fell in love, I guess I assumed that whoever I fell in love with would be like them. And because of that, I was blind to the reality. He wasn't as good as I originally thought he was. He did not care as much as I thought he did. Perhaps he never really loved me, I don't know. I still think about these things even though it hurts. Overall, I try not to admit to myself about the fact that I still sometimes do miss him. (Hell, there was recently where someone walked by me and he smelled like the ex, and I had to leave because it freaked me out a little.) Despite my recognition of how manipulative he was and how quickly he moved on from me and how much happier he was after me...I sometimes miss the fucking bastard. I don't want to. There is no reason to. I am like a sad little girl who can't fucking let go of things. It makes me angry. It makes me hate myself more and more and despite people telling me that it is human to feel such things, I don't want to. It hurts. It hurts that he has been so fucking happy and found love again many more times and has a girlfriend who is probably fucking awesome and all that. It hurts. I don't want it to. I tell myself that it no longer is about him, it's the idea of him and the loss of the feeling and all that. And maybe, sometimes, that is true. But there are other times where I tell myself that and it is not exactly accurate.
And now I tell myself that I should never have fallen in love.
And that makes me sad, because it was a wonderful feeling. For a long time, it was.
The hope I felt in other things too, was wonderful.
But it was all nonsense, in the end, I suppose.
Bah. I don't know. Maybe another time when I'm not so disgusted in everything I'll feel slightly differently
Those days are becoming less and less frequent lately. I've become comfortable in my cynicism and my distrust of humanity and of those in power and of society in general.
Yes, this reaction is partially a result of the grand jury decision in Ferguson (which was bullshit and completely predictable when the prosecutor began his little speech basically by blaming social media for "rumours" and all that nonsense). As a white woman, I will never understand the true pain of this injustice, but it does fuel my cynicism.
Once upon a time, I had hope. I really did. I had hope in people, that most of them were as good as my parents, and could love as much as they do. I had hope in laws, that they would be interpreted and enforced justly. I had hope in the government, that those in power would do what they could to help their nation's citizens achieve health and happiness. I had hope in love, and in humanity, and in the idea that bad realities could be changed.
That hope has basically vanished. It is sad, really. I am only 24, and yet everything seems so hopeless and bleak and dark, and right now only my family and my pup and some of my friends (not even all of them...how sad is that?) can bring me even a memory of times when I did not feel like nothing would ever get better.
My area of study brings me to the darkest corners of humanity, so it is no surprise really that the hope I once had in the government to positively change things has vanished. I find reasons for why politicians act the way they do, why corruption seems to be a rational response to some circumstances, why we often see immoral decisions and injustice from government and law enforcement... People who mock my study do not realize how morally taxing it could be. You learn slowly that voting doesn't really matter, that even mass mobilization rarely brings about change, that politicians only ever want to please their narrow constituencies, that anti-intellectualism and anti-science positions can make sense from an office-seeking standpoint, and more. I don't know why I remain in such a demoralizing field; it is fascinating, I guess, in a way. Or maybe it is because I don't know what else I can do.
Then of course, my nonprofessional life has just made me lose hope in humanity and love. Growing up with my parents, I guess I naively believed that most people were like they are. Kind, loving...they make mistakes but they (usually) acknowledge them...they are strong in their convictions and try their best and try to be fair.
And when I fell in love, I guess I assumed that whoever I fell in love with would be like them. And because of that, I was blind to the reality. He wasn't as good as I originally thought he was. He did not care as much as I thought he did. Perhaps he never really loved me, I don't know. I still think about these things even though it hurts. Overall, I try not to admit to myself about the fact that I still sometimes do miss him. (Hell, there was recently where someone walked by me and he smelled like the ex, and I had to leave because it freaked me out a little.) Despite my recognition of how manipulative he was and how quickly he moved on from me and how much happier he was after me...I sometimes miss the fucking bastard. I don't want to. There is no reason to. I am like a sad little girl who can't fucking let go of things. It makes me angry. It makes me hate myself more and more and despite people telling me that it is human to feel such things, I don't want to. It hurts. It hurts that he has been so fucking happy and found love again many more times and has a girlfriend who is probably fucking awesome and all that. It hurts. I don't want it to. I tell myself that it no longer is about him, it's the idea of him and the loss of the feeling and all that. And maybe, sometimes, that is true. But there are other times where I tell myself that and it is not exactly accurate.
And now I tell myself that I should never have fallen in love.
And that makes me sad, because it was a wonderful feeling. For a long time, it was.
The hope I felt in other things too, was wonderful.
But it was all nonsense, in the end, I suppose.
Bah. I don't know. Maybe another time when I'm not so disgusted in everything I'll feel slightly differently
Mockingjay was most excellent, though I am still mad that I now need to wait another damn year in order to see the rest of it. Ugh. Damn you Harry Potter, this splitting the last movie into two parts thing is all your fault.
Though I'm feeling odd about talking to people right now. I have messages in my inbox and on facebook and I kind of just don't want to respond to any of them. Part of me feels bad but...at the same time I just really haven't wanted to talk to anyone since movie ended.
I'm really a terrible friend, aren't I?
Fuck, why do I feel sad all of a sudden? This is unacceptable.
And then why am I also looking up ex things this is stupid and so am I. Who cares if his life is all together and shit and you are basically just drifting throughout your life, unable to figure out what it is that makes you happy. Who. Cares.
I do.
Though I'm feeling odd about talking to people right now. I have messages in my inbox and on facebook and I kind of just don't want to respond to any of them. Part of me feels bad but...at the same time I just really haven't wanted to talk to anyone since movie ended.
I'm really a terrible friend, aren't I?
Fuck, why do I feel sad all of a sudden? This is unacceptable.
And then why am I also looking up ex things this is stupid and so am I. Who cares if his life is all together and shit and you are basically just drifting throughout your life, unable to figure out what it is that makes you happy. Who. Cares.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Going to see Mockingjay with padre in about an hour! That should be fun.
I really like being home, even if I'm not really doing much. It might be a function of just being around my parents rather than having to just talk to them on the phone (which is usually me just being really upset or sad about stuff and then I know they feel sad because they can't really do anything to help me or anything).
I mean, I still am feeling weird, but better than I would otherwise be back up in Bing.
For some reason I've been thinking about past stuff in excess for the past few days. Blergh.
I really like being home, even if I'm not really doing much. It might be a function of just being around my parents rather than having to just talk to them on the phone (which is usually me just being really upset or sad about stuff and then I know they feel sad because they can't really do anything to help me or anything).
I mean, I still am feeling weird, but better than I would otherwise be back up in Bing.
For some reason I've been thinking about past stuff in excess for the past few days. Blergh.
Arrived at my parents' place at around 4:30, and then I just hung out with them while watching Orange is the New Black and we nommed pizza and they got a kick out of the pups. Since roommate is running in the Philly marathon tomorrow I'm watching Murray this weekend, so he'll be here with us until Monday. So far I think he likes my mom the best. She gave him the most food so far.
I'm still kind of dealing with this realization that I have no real plan for my life anymore, and how that is kind of freaking me out in a weird way. I keep going through these weird moods of being okay with it and then being not okay and then just being apathetic towards everything and then caring too much about everything. And then the emotionless states settle in and I end up staring blankly at things and am unable to find enjoyment in...a lot of stuff. Maybe some time away from Bing will be able to help me in that regard.
Friend S is sweet. After I told him how I've been feeling weird and stuff he said that I should let him know if there is any way he could help when I'm feeling like that. "Causeee I think you're nice, and I want you to be happy. So there. :)" And that just made me smile and I'm having conflicting feels. I mean, no feels feels. Maybe. I don't know. It is difficult to tell due to distance and everything. I'm trying to not due to various things.
But still. I like that I'm not a bother to him (he said, anyway, when I expressed I was afraid of that).
I'm still kind of dealing with this realization that I have no real plan for my life anymore, and how that is kind of freaking me out in a weird way. I keep going through these weird moods of being okay with it and then being not okay and then just being apathetic towards everything and then caring too much about everything. And then the emotionless states settle in and I end up staring blankly at things and am unable to find enjoyment in...a lot of stuff. Maybe some time away from Bing will be able to help me in that regard.
Friend S is sweet. After I told him how I've been feeling weird and stuff he said that I should let him know if there is any way he could help when I'm feeling like that. "Causeee I think you're nice, and I want you to be happy. So there. :)" And that just made me smile and I'm having conflicting feels. I mean, no feels feels. Maybe. I don't know. It is difficult to tell due to distance and everything. I'm trying to not due to various things.
But still. I like that I'm not a bother to him (he said, anyway, when I expressed I was afraid of that).
Friday, November 21, 2014
I was able to move some things to make room for my newest prints. Soon my entire room will just be covered in nerdy things and I am totally okay with that. I put some stuff om the back of my door; hopefully they will stay up. The problem is that I have so many more I want to buy but I really should wait before I spend more money on things I don't...really need.
Heading home tomorrow, even though I am supposed to have class on Monday. I am planning on asking to skype in again; I definitely should have asked already, but I kept forgetting. But no matter what, I'm heading home because I just really want to not be here and I would rather be home for around a week rather than only 4-5 days.
On Wednesday, I had a lunch meeting with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and talked with her about some of the problems I've been having figuring out what it is I like to do. I told her that I really enjoy analyzing fiction and how I just get super bored really quickly. She was really encouraging; she expressed to me that there are many different ways to achieve success. As grad students at a research institution, we receive only a limited vision of what success means. But she emphasized that this does not encapsulate all types of success.
It was nice to hear that because I have been wondering about other things and wondering if this is really what I want to do anymore. I'm finding myself less and less willing to do things for my students (because I have found that the more I do for them, the more they take advantage of me). And I fear my inability to figure out the specialized area I want to study in.
I think I'm especially stressed about this all because this is the one time in my life where I am truly uncertain about my future. I have no plan, whereas I always had a plan. For a long time I was going to be a lawyer. And then when I diverted from that plan, I immediately had a new one - grad school. For a long time I had a plan about my romantic life also - I wasn't going to have one. Ex shook that up a bit, and then when he left, the new plan I created went out the window. But due to how I felt about him, I didn't want to go back to my old plan. At the same time, I did want to go back to the old plan, because in that plan I never would have gotten hurt.
But my romantic life's plan was not as solid as my career plans. Having no idea what to do anymore has just had this weird effect on my psyche and I don't like it. It is out of my comfort zone.
I might need to get used to it for a little bit, while I figure things out.
Heading home tomorrow, even though I am supposed to have class on Monday. I am planning on asking to skype in again; I definitely should have asked already, but I kept forgetting. But no matter what, I'm heading home because I just really want to not be here and I would rather be home for around a week rather than only 4-5 days.
On Wednesday, I had a lunch meeting with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and talked with her about some of the problems I've been having figuring out what it is I like to do. I told her that I really enjoy analyzing fiction and how I just get super bored really quickly. She was really encouraging; she expressed to me that there are many different ways to achieve success. As grad students at a research institution, we receive only a limited vision of what success means. But she emphasized that this does not encapsulate all types of success.
It was nice to hear that because I have been wondering about other things and wondering if this is really what I want to do anymore. I'm finding myself less and less willing to do things for my students (because I have found that the more I do for them, the more they take advantage of me). And I fear my inability to figure out the specialized area I want to study in.
I think I'm especially stressed about this all because this is the one time in my life where I am truly uncertain about my future. I have no plan, whereas I always had a plan. For a long time I was going to be a lawyer. And then when I diverted from that plan, I immediately had a new one - grad school. For a long time I had a plan about my romantic life also - I wasn't going to have one. Ex shook that up a bit, and then when he left, the new plan I created went out the window. But due to how I felt about him, I didn't want to go back to my old plan. At the same time, I did want to go back to the old plan, because in that plan I never would have gotten hurt.
But my romantic life's plan was not as solid as my career plans. Having no idea what to do anymore has just had this weird effect on my psyche and I don't like it. It is out of my comfort zone.
I might need to get used to it for a little bit, while I figure things out.
So I didn't finish my assignment, but I surprisingly do not really care? Might be that apathy which has taken over. I'll try and finish it before/during class or something, hopefully.
Also I love having a female friend here who is nice and who is somewhat different from me and who likes having lunch with me a lot and doesn't find me super annoying and everything. Her reaching out to me has really been kind of awesome. Hopefully things stay this way/get even better between us.
More prints came today and I'm running out of space on my walls for them, but I'll probably get more at some point because I have a problem.
Okay, time to sleep. Early meeting tomorrow morning.
Also I love having a female friend here who is nice and who is somewhat different from me and who likes having lunch with me a lot and doesn't find me super annoying and everything. Her reaching out to me has really been kind of awesome. Hopefully things stay this way/get even better between us.
More prints came today and I'm running out of space on my walls for them, but I'll probably get more at some point because I have a problem.
Okay, time to sleep. Early meeting tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Thor
So this came today even though I wasn't expecting it until next week or so.
Eeeee excite.
I'm gonna try and be super careful with it. But I do want to read it. But also want it to stay in mint/near mint condition.
But aaaah yay.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Respect
I'm so over being a nice TA.
And by nice, maybe I just mean easy, I really can't tell.
For a while I guess I wanted people to like me (or at least wanted them to leave me alone), but I'm so annoyed with my classes and how little I feel like they respect me and how little I feel like they are working. Which honestly, I wouldn't care too much about - whatever, it is your decision to not work, not mine, and it will reflect on your grade so whatever - but I have people basically thinking they should be A students when they are turning in shit (and then basically blaming me for that because they 'didn't get the right instructions' or some shit).
I guess in my depression and apathy and self-hate I just stopped caring about whether or not they respected me. I just wanted them to leave me alone because I couldn't deal with them, so I tried to do things that pleased them in order to minimize the amount of time they would want to spend asking me questions outside of section. And I guess I am still like that, but my anger over blatant disrespect has overcome that, maybe.
Once, I was harsh but fair, and as I've felt more and more out of control of my life and what happens, I guess I've gotten easier and easier in my sections. Sometimes I wonder if they notice how fucking awful I usually feel, but they probably don't. Or they do but just don't care. Either or.
But I guess I still have time to fuck things up for them if they decide to continue this nonsense.
Especially since most of them left their papers and stuff until the last minute.
I don't know, I just feel kind of awful and I want to go home.
(Might have something discussing my session later.)
And by nice, maybe I just mean easy, I really can't tell.
For a while I guess I wanted people to like me (or at least wanted them to leave me alone), but I'm so annoyed with my classes and how little I feel like they respect me and how little I feel like they are working. Which honestly, I wouldn't care too much about - whatever, it is your decision to not work, not mine, and it will reflect on your grade so whatever - but I have people basically thinking they should be A students when they are turning in shit (and then basically blaming me for that because they 'didn't get the right instructions' or some shit).
I guess in my depression and apathy and self-hate I just stopped caring about whether or not they respected me. I just wanted them to leave me alone because I couldn't deal with them, so I tried to do things that pleased them in order to minimize the amount of time they would want to spend asking me questions outside of section. And I guess I am still like that, but my anger over blatant disrespect has overcome that, maybe.
Once, I was harsh but fair, and as I've felt more and more out of control of my life and what happens, I guess I've gotten easier and easier in my sections. Sometimes I wonder if they notice how fucking awful I usually feel, but they probably don't. Or they do but just don't care. Either or.
But I guess I still have time to fuck things up for them if they decide to continue this nonsense.
Especially since most of them left their papers and stuff until the last minute.
I don't know, I just feel kind of awful and I want to go home.
(Might have something discussing my session later.)
Monday, November 17, 2014
I feel as though I haven't really written much of substance lately. I don't know if it is because nothing terrible has really happened, or more because I'm just kind of blank to the point where I don't even know what to write down.
Friend S and I are still texting pretty much every day. I find myself wishing that he did not have a girlfriend but I'll never act on that wish or anything like that. I suppose it is just my fantasizing or something. He says nice things to me and helps me when I'm feeling sad and distracts me from stuff and it is nice. I'm still trying to not have feels but I can't help but smile when he texts me good morning and stuff. It has been a while since anyone did that, and I forgot how nice that feels.
I just need to guard myself, since I know nothing will come of it. And I already know how shitty that feels.
One would think my my not feeling absolutely terrible would mean that I would be able to make myself work but I've been finding that to be incredibly difficult. I don't know if I'm taking solace in the idea that I haven't found my niche (and therefore can just not do things that don't interest me), or if I've genuinely gotten so overwhelmed that I've looped around to not really caring about much. It is odd. I feel...okay, but in a weird way. In a "I really couldn't give a shit if the whole world around me blew up" kind of way. That apathetic sort of sense.
I don't know. It is weird, honestly. I have things to do but zero motivation to do anything. Even the recognition that I have so many things left to complete before the end of the semester isn't enough to interest me. Maybe I'm just really bored or something, I don't know.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.
Friend S and I are still texting pretty much every day. I find myself wishing that he did not have a girlfriend but I'll never act on that wish or anything like that. I suppose it is just my fantasizing or something. He says nice things to me and helps me when I'm feeling sad and distracts me from stuff and it is nice. I'm still trying to not have feels but I can't help but smile when he texts me good morning and stuff. It has been a while since anyone did that, and I forgot how nice that feels.
I just need to guard myself, since I know nothing will come of it. And I already know how shitty that feels.
One would think my my not feeling absolutely terrible would mean that I would be able to make myself work but I've been finding that to be incredibly difficult. I don't know if I'm taking solace in the idea that I haven't found my niche (and therefore can just not do things that don't interest me), or if I've genuinely gotten so overwhelmed that I've looped around to not really caring about much. It is odd. I feel...okay, but in a weird way. In a "I really couldn't give a shit if the whole world around me blew up" kind of way. That apathetic sort of sense.
I don't know. It is weird, honestly. I have things to do but zero motivation to do anything. Even the recognition that I have so many things left to complete before the end of the semester isn't enough to interest me. Maybe I'm just really bored or something, I don't know.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
"Cause I don't want you to be sad. You're awesome, and you should be happy!"
Friend S makes me smile a lot. For a while I was afraid of him not wanting to be my friend or anything due to him being close with the ex, but...I was wrong to fear that. He and I have gotten closer after ex and I split than we were before. It's nice.
Friend S makes me smile a lot. For a while I was afraid of him not wanting to be my friend or anything due to him being close with the ex, but...I was wrong to fear that. He and I have gotten closer after ex and I split than we were before. It's nice.
I decided to take it easy yesterday, pretty much doing nothing except play sporcle quizzes, catch up on shows, and dick around on the internet.
I did actually also go do something last night; roommates B and C and I went bowling with one of the first years, who is a lot of fun and she and I have gotten kind of close. I won the first game but placed second in the other two, despite my not having bowled in...definitely over a year, I think. And each time I broke 100! Which is again...a big deal for me.
Then we got some ice cream and watched Catching Fire. All in all, it was a good night. I just wish I didn't have a headache throughout it all.
Today I ought to actually do things though, shouldn't I? Even though I'd rather write more about fictional characters and stuff.
Also definitely going to see if I can skype into my class again next week so I can go down to the Island either on Friday or Saturday. That would be so much better than having to wait until after Monday.
I did actually also go do something last night; roommates B and C and I went bowling with one of the first years, who is a lot of fun and she and I have gotten kind of close. I won the first game but placed second in the other two, despite my not having bowled in...definitely over a year, I think. And each time I broke 100! Which is again...a big deal for me.
Then we got some ice cream and watched Catching Fire. All in all, it was a good night. I just wish I didn't have a headache throughout it all.
Today I ought to actually do things though, shouldn't I? Even though I'd rather write more about fictional characters and stuff.
Also definitely going to see if I can skype into my class again next week so I can go down to the Island either on Friday or Saturday. That would be so much better than having to wait until after Monday.
Friday, November 14, 2014
I feel as though I should have had this assignment done by now. For some reason I'm sluggish even though this really isn't difficult. Luckily, my not being done is due to that sluggishness and not due to a frustration from not being able to figure out how to do questions. (It really helps that I've already done negative binomials and poissons for my comps paper. I don't need to learn everything from scratch.)
Caved and bought new prints and stuff because even though I have little room on my walls, I wanted Kuvira and Satuski and another Awakening. I will find room. And what is bad is that I still have I think 10 pieces in my wishlist, but I had to restrain myself because money. Hell, I shouldn't have even bought those but I guess I wanted to treat myself. Which is why I also bought Thor #1 and I can't wait to read it. I should buy #2 before that sells out too and I end up needing to get it from a third party on amazon. Luckily, it is brand new still.
I only have one more description to do...I think I'll leave it until the morning. I'm super tired right now and should sleep.
This might be tmi but...oh well. I have a feeling I might be asked into a threesome and that thought kind of excites me. Don't know if it will happen, but I have a feeling. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things, but certain questions are being asked and stuff. I wonder.
Caved and bought new prints and stuff because even though I have little room on my walls, I wanted Kuvira and Satuski and another Awakening. I will find room. And what is bad is that I still have I think 10 pieces in my wishlist, but I had to restrain myself because money. Hell, I shouldn't have even bought those but I guess I wanted to treat myself. Which is why I also bought Thor #1 and I can't wait to read it. I should buy #2 before that sells out too and I end up needing to get it from a third party on amazon. Luckily, it is brand new still.
I only have one more description to do...I think I'll leave it until the morning. I'm super tired right now and should sleep.
This might be tmi but...oh well. I have a feeling I might be asked into a threesome and that thought kind of excites me. Don't know if it will happen, but I have a feeling. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things, but certain questions are being asked and stuff. I wonder.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tonight I went and saw Big Hero Six with the roommates and it was so cute and enjoyable and I definitely recommend.
Somehow, I've been feeling a bit better since professors told me about the major issue they're all having concerning me. Maybe it is because the paranoia that overtook me when I received my results - which was that people thought I made mistakes and wasn't good enough or as good as others so despite my best efforts it just wasn't enough - was not true in the end.
On some level, however, I feel as though I should be more concerned about this problem they're having: that I don't care enough about one specific thing. It has concerned me in the past, but more in the back of my mind, rather than something that seems to be apparent to everyone and is something people are actively worried about. Perhaps I should care more about the fact that people are worried.
But on some level it also feels like a weight has been lifted, and it is more than just the reinforcement of my skills and...alleged non-suckiness (which of course I will forget and spiral into self-hate again in the future because lol why not). Rather...maybe it is an acknowledgement of a huge problem I have been having, but never really gave voice to because on some level it does frighten me. I've never been able to settle on one thing. I was going for law for a long time and then I got bored. When I was in high school I thought about journalism. Got bored. Political science has been the thing that has grasped my attention the longest. I don't want to be bored with it. But in my trying to not be bored, I guess I have spread myself too thin, asking too many questions in a number of different areas. Although that satisfies my intellectual side, it also is not very good for a professional scholar, who is meant to learn specific things in a specific field.
So I guess it gets the whole dilemma I have been having about whether or not I should be here and maybe I should be doing something different.
The problem is that I have no idea what even really interests me intellectually anymore. What would grasp my attention for more than a fleeting amount of time? It is hard to tell, especially when I have been in a down state of depression lately, where nothing really interests me at all and I just want to disappear. Even now, I should be reading something for tomorrow and preparing a lesson plan, but I read the first chapter and couldn't really bring myself to do anymore (so I instead graded a decent amount of papers today...though I still need to do more before my evening class tomorrow).
I started thinking about the possibility of going through the dissertation just to get the degree. Kind of forcing myself into something to obtain the doctorate, and then instead of immediately going on the job market...taking some time off. The PhD would obviously help anywhere I choose to apply, and so I kind of still want it, even if I'm unsure right now of what I really want to do or want in the end. The idea of getting the degree and then basically skipping town for a year to go on some weird journey to find myself/find what I truly am passionate about is really appealing at the moment. Only problem is that I'm confident that people would be less than pleased with me if I announced that as a possibility. They want us on the market before we even graduate, and yet I'm sitting here thinking about doing the opposite. Obviously, this would hurt my chances in academia, as apparently taking time off is not seen as very good.
Really, if I could, I would take that journey now. But that option isn't exactly available to me at this point in my life.
Friend S has been looking for internships and he said if he gets a certain one he will be in California. And then when he told me I should visit him (after I said I have never been) if he gets it, I felt weird. I said maybe, because I was also thinking about who else is in Cali, and even the thought of being in the same state makes me a little anxious.
I'm trying to refrain from having feels, because he has a girlfriend and has been with her for a long time. I don't want to do anything to harm that, but I also like messaging him a lot. Feels have been easy to avoid probably because of distance and only textual conversation. I wonder if it would be different if I saw him every day, or if I still would have no feels because I just don't get them a lot of times for a lot of people.
Somehow, I've been feeling a bit better since professors told me about the major issue they're all having concerning me. Maybe it is because the paranoia that overtook me when I received my results - which was that people thought I made mistakes and wasn't good enough or as good as others so despite my best efforts it just wasn't enough - was not true in the end.
On some level, however, I feel as though I should be more concerned about this problem they're having: that I don't care enough about one specific thing. It has concerned me in the past, but more in the back of my mind, rather than something that seems to be apparent to everyone and is something people are actively worried about. Perhaps I should care more about the fact that people are worried.
But on some level it also feels like a weight has been lifted, and it is more than just the reinforcement of my skills and...alleged non-suckiness (which of course I will forget and spiral into self-hate again in the future because lol why not). Rather...maybe it is an acknowledgement of a huge problem I have been having, but never really gave voice to because on some level it does frighten me. I've never been able to settle on one thing. I was going for law for a long time and then I got bored. When I was in high school I thought about journalism. Got bored. Political science has been the thing that has grasped my attention the longest. I don't want to be bored with it. But in my trying to not be bored, I guess I have spread myself too thin, asking too many questions in a number of different areas. Although that satisfies my intellectual side, it also is not very good for a professional scholar, who is meant to learn specific things in a specific field.
So I guess it gets the whole dilemma I have been having about whether or not I should be here and maybe I should be doing something different.
The problem is that I have no idea what even really interests me intellectually anymore. What would grasp my attention for more than a fleeting amount of time? It is hard to tell, especially when I have been in a down state of depression lately, where nothing really interests me at all and I just want to disappear. Even now, I should be reading something for tomorrow and preparing a lesson plan, but I read the first chapter and couldn't really bring myself to do anymore (so I instead graded a decent amount of papers today...though I still need to do more before my evening class tomorrow).
I started thinking about the possibility of going through the dissertation just to get the degree. Kind of forcing myself into something to obtain the doctorate, and then instead of immediately going on the job market...taking some time off. The PhD would obviously help anywhere I choose to apply, and so I kind of still want it, even if I'm unsure right now of what I really want to do or want in the end. The idea of getting the degree and then basically skipping town for a year to go on some weird journey to find myself/find what I truly am passionate about is really appealing at the moment. Only problem is that I'm confident that people would be less than pleased with me if I announced that as a possibility. They want us on the market before we even graduate, and yet I'm sitting here thinking about doing the opposite. Obviously, this would hurt my chances in academia, as apparently taking time off is not seen as very good.
Really, if I could, I would take that journey now. But that option isn't exactly available to me at this point in my life.
Friend S has been looking for internships and he said if he gets a certain one he will be in California. And then when he told me I should visit him (after I said I have never been) if he gets it, I felt weird. I said maybe, because I was also thinking about who else is in Cali, and even the thought of being in the same state makes me a little anxious.
I'm trying to refrain from having feels, because he has a girlfriend and has been with her for a long time. I don't want to do anything to harm that, but I also like messaging him a lot. Feels have been easy to avoid probably because of distance and only textual conversation. I wonder if it would be different if I saw him every day, or if I still would have no feels because I just don't get them a lot of times for a lot of people.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
So I spoke with two professors today about the result of my comps. And, unlike what I was originally thinking, it wasn't that it was a bad presentation or a bad paper. Rather, it seems as though the major concern when it comes to me is more...fundamental.
They're not sure if I really care about this.
And not in the "oh you're so apathetic," sort of way. But more in that they cannot figure out what interests me. Whereas they can look at roommate B and say "yeah he's into liberalization and structural adjustment programs and IPE" and roommate C and immediately think of LGBTQ+ rights, they cannot think of any one specific thing for me.
That's probably because I myself cannot think of a specific thing.
I've always had this problem. I'll be really into something for a little bit, and then if I'm invested in it too long, I become bored with it and want to move on to something else.
Thus, they are afraid that I am going to be (/remain, let's be honest) miserable, and that I'll end up hating what I do and they said they would hate to see that. Both of them remarked that I have unanimous praise from the faculty; that my skills are not in question. One said that someone called me brilliant, and the other said that my combination of skills (math+writing) was very impressive and that my presence in the department raised the standard in the program. The latter also said that he thinks I have the best native skills out of anyone in the program, and that I'm technically one of the strongest.
But they also said that it isn't uncommon for those types to be uninterested in one thing. And not being interested in one narrow area or subfield is difficult to account for if I want to stay in this profession.
I do have that fear, honestly, that nothing is going to grasp me enough for me to want to devote the next few years of my life to it. Right now I would say that I'm into foreign policy and intelligence, but - as was pointed out to me - that might be a function of the project I have been working on rather than an innate interest of mine.
This is something I need to think more about. (So...more posts about it to follow, hopefully.)
They're not sure if I really care about this.
And not in the "oh you're so apathetic," sort of way. But more in that they cannot figure out what interests me. Whereas they can look at roommate B and say "yeah he's into liberalization and structural adjustment programs and IPE" and roommate C and immediately think of LGBTQ+ rights, they cannot think of any one specific thing for me.
That's probably because I myself cannot think of a specific thing.
I've always had this problem. I'll be really into something for a little bit, and then if I'm invested in it too long, I become bored with it and want to move on to something else.
Thus, they are afraid that I am going to be (/remain, let's be honest) miserable, and that I'll end up hating what I do and they said they would hate to see that. Both of them remarked that I have unanimous praise from the faculty; that my skills are not in question. One said that someone called me brilliant, and the other said that my combination of skills (math+writing) was very impressive and that my presence in the department raised the standard in the program. The latter also said that he thinks I have the best native skills out of anyone in the program, and that I'm technically one of the strongest.
But they also said that it isn't uncommon for those types to be uninterested in one thing. And not being interested in one narrow area or subfield is difficult to account for if I want to stay in this profession.
I do have that fear, honestly, that nothing is going to grasp me enough for me to want to devote the next few years of my life to it. Right now I would say that I'm into foreign policy and intelligence, but - as was pointed out to me - that might be a function of the project I have been working on rather than an innate interest of mine.
This is something I need to think more about. (So...more posts about it to follow, hopefully.)
Sunday, November 9, 2014
The way my mom said 'we love you' at the end of our phone conversation today made me tear up.
My dad too, when he told me that no matter what, they would always love me, and that Callie loves me. Even if I had failed and everything, they would all still love me.
It's obvious that I'm making them sad. That my always calling them sounding depressed and tired and weary is doing that and I feel awful about it.
To my dad I started word vomiting about me wondering what the point of everything even was and how I'm so discouraged because there is no light at the end of the tunnel and how I'm so disillusioned with academia and everything. (And, despite the obvious choice of leaving, I won't, because again, I don't feel as though I have a marketable skill set, meh.)
I wonder if that alarmed him. I don't know.
I have two emails from professors wanting to meet with me, and I just keep staring at them when I open them without actually reading anything. And then I close it. Because I'm fucking terrible, I guess.
My dad too, when he told me that no matter what, they would always love me, and that Callie loves me. Even if I had failed and everything, they would all still love me.
It's obvious that I'm making them sad. That my always calling them sounding depressed and tired and weary is doing that and I feel awful about it.
To my dad I started word vomiting about me wondering what the point of everything even was and how I'm so discouraged because there is no light at the end of the tunnel and how I'm so disillusioned with academia and everything. (And, despite the obvious choice of leaving, I won't, because again, I don't feel as though I have a marketable skill set, meh.)
I wonder if that alarmed him. I don't know.
I have two emails from professors wanting to meet with me, and I just keep staring at them when I open them without actually reading anything. And then I close it. Because I'm fucking terrible, I guess.
Despite my having a presentation tomorrow, I didn't do anything yesterday except play The Stick of Truth (which is hilarious and awesome). I couldn't bring myself to really care about anything, because the only thing that was going through my mind was how my trying didn't really help much so why should I even bother.
I'm still really discouraged due to that result. I don't understand it, and the only thing I can think of is that my stuff wasn't good enough, despite people telling me otherwise. And I maybe wouldn't be as upset if three people didn't get the high pass. But, I don't know. It just isn't fair. Perhaps it is something I ought to get used to, but I'm not. Again, maybe I should choose a different perception, given my reactions and my inability to handle everything.
I don't know. I'm sad, don't really see the point in anything, and want nothing more than to go home.
Also I haven't been eating well so there is that too.
I'm still really discouraged due to that result. I don't understand it, and the only thing I can think of is that my stuff wasn't good enough, despite people telling me otherwise. And I maybe wouldn't be as upset if three people didn't get the high pass. But, I don't know. It just isn't fair. Perhaps it is something I ought to get used to, but I'm not. Again, maybe I should choose a different perception, given my reactions and my inability to handle everything.
I don't know. I'm sad, don't really see the point in anything, and want nothing more than to go home.
Also I haven't been eating well so there is that too.
Friday, November 7, 2014
I should always be pessimistic.
So I had my comps presentation today. And I thought I did well. After going, I got feedback from people basically telling me that I did the best and that if anyone was going to get a "high pass," it would be me.
Stupid me, actually thinking that would happen. I got a low pass, and my mood, which had been high since hearing all that stuff, immediately crashed.
I know that they said the low pass would be the modal category, but it really sucks when people keep telling you how fucking awesome you apparently did, and yet in reality it wasn't that good, I guess.
This probably shouldn't be messing with my head as much as it is. But it is.
And I'm sad. And I suck. And I should just leave because even when I think I do awesome, I actually do mediocre at best.
So I had my comps presentation today. And I thought I did well. After going, I got feedback from people basically telling me that I did the best and that if anyone was going to get a "high pass," it would be me.
Stupid me, actually thinking that would happen. I got a low pass, and my mood, which had been high since hearing all that stuff, immediately crashed.
I know that they said the low pass would be the modal category, but it really sucks when people keep telling you how fucking awesome you apparently did, and yet in reality it wasn't that good, I guess.
This probably shouldn't be messing with my head as much as it is. But it is.
And I'm sad. And I suck. And I should just leave because even when I think I do awesome, I actually do mediocre at best.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
So tomorrow is comps, and I'm still kind of freaking out a bit.
But what was nice, at least, was that my adviser asked to talk to me today, and said he wanted to check in and see how I was doing. Apparently, he has heard that I've been really anxious and stressed and worrying about things, so he wanted to reassure me that I would be okay. I just kind of word vomited to him, saying how I've been anxious about everything and that I'm afraid people have been angry with me. That fear leads me to not go to people, and then I think they're mad I'm not seeing them, which leads me to continue not seeing them, and it is this whole big thing. And then I get depressed and stuff and I alluded to those issues also.
So I guess I gave him a slightly better picture of the problems I have and the fact that I try, but sometimes I struggle because of issues and stuff.
But it was nice of him to think of me, even if I am still stressed.
Also Friend S talked about how another mutual friend of ours wanted to set us up in sophomore year, but he was too busy being single and I know when she told me he thought I was cute I got very flustered and I thought she was kidding.
Missed opportunities.
But what was nice, at least, was that my adviser asked to talk to me today, and said he wanted to check in and see how I was doing. Apparently, he has heard that I've been really anxious and stressed and worrying about things, so he wanted to reassure me that I would be okay. I just kind of word vomited to him, saying how I've been anxious about everything and that I'm afraid people have been angry with me. That fear leads me to not go to people, and then I think they're mad I'm not seeing them, which leads me to continue not seeing them, and it is this whole big thing. And then I get depressed and stuff and I alluded to those issues also.
So I guess I gave him a slightly better picture of the problems I have and the fact that I try, but sometimes I struggle because of issues and stuff.
But it was nice of him to think of me, even if I am still stressed.
Also Friend S talked about how another mutual friend of ours wanted to set us up in sophomore year, but he was too busy being single and I know when she told me he thought I was cute I got very flustered and I thought she was kidding.
Missed opportunities.
I still feel terrible and stressed but getting a call from my college roommate made things a little better. I was able to tell her how I'm going through these crises because of school and how I'm afraid I can't handle things and when I get like that I start thinking of the past and getting bitter over discrepancies between the ex's life and my own and I'm just cynical and sad and every time I think things are getting a bit better I'm reminded that everything still fucking sucks.
She was able to help me feel a little better; she has felt similarly before, so she understands where I'm coming from. And she said she would call me again on Friday to see how I did with my presentation and everything and check in on me again and I really do appreciate that.
And my texts with Friend S have been continuing and that also helps. He's been so sweet to me and everything, and I'm hoping I can find a way to hang out with him soon. Roommate did warn me to protect myself from any feels that I might get towards him from this stuff, because he is in a relationship and everything and she dealt with that in undergrad and it just wasn't good at all for her. I think I'll be okay, because I know he is in a relationship and it isn't as though we have the opportunity to hang out all the time or anything. But I have noticed that he has become someone I actively like texting and it doesn't feel like a chore and we just talk about our days and stuff and it is nice, and I haven't had that in a long time. Maybe if I had the capacity to have real feelings and emotions right now I would be thinking differently. But either way, I will protect myself as best I can.
But for now, it is really nice and helps me out a lot more than I think he even realizes.
She was able to help me feel a little better; she has felt similarly before, so she understands where I'm coming from. And she said she would call me again on Friday to see how I did with my presentation and everything and check in on me again and I really do appreciate that.
And my texts with Friend S have been continuing and that also helps. He's been so sweet to me and everything, and I'm hoping I can find a way to hang out with him soon. Roommate did warn me to protect myself from any feels that I might get towards him from this stuff, because he is in a relationship and everything and she dealt with that in undergrad and it just wasn't good at all for her. I think I'll be okay, because I know he is in a relationship and it isn't as though we have the opportunity to hang out all the time or anything. But I have noticed that he has become someone I actively like texting and it doesn't feel like a chore and we just talk about our days and stuff and it is nice, and I haven't had that in a long time. Maybe if I had the capacity to have real feelings and emotions right now I would be thinking differently. But either way, I will protect myself as best I can.
But for now, it is really nice and helps me out a lot more than I think he even realizes.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
I have 'The Rains of Castamere' stuck in my head. I feel it is appropriate given that I feel like I could die at any fucking moment with how stressed and crazed I am.
My head feels mushy, like I can't think properly or well. Things that I should have no problem answering end up baffling me, and minor tasks end up being something that seems somewhat impossible.
My MLE assignment for this week did not get finished, but my prof said that I could give it to him whenever I finish, which will probably not be until later on in the week. Though I also need to focus on my comps presentation, which I have only half the slides for (if that), and no actual plan for how the presentation will go. Which is great damn planning on my part.
Friend S and I have still been texting back and forth and that actually helps somewhat.
Hell, even writing in here, which usually helps to sort things out, just seems like a fucking daunting task and I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head that I can't seem to organize and I feel awful all the time lately. I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get. That tiredness makes me feel physically and emotionally unwell, which causes me to eat less/worse, which makes things worse again. And then instead of working I just stress about working and things pile on and it all sucks and I just really hate myself lately. I'm trying to fight against those thoughts, but it is so difficult when the end just feels like it will never come and nothing is under my control and I can't handle all these things in front of me.
My head feels mushy, like I can't think properly or well. Things that I should have no problem answering end up baffling me, and minor tasks end up being something that seems somewhat impossible.
My MLE assignment for this week did not get finished, but my prof said that I could give it to him whenever I finish, which will probably not be until later on in the week. Though I also need to focus on my comps presentation, which I have only half the slides for (if that), and no actual plan for how the presentation will go. Which is great damn planning on my part.
Friend S and I have still been texting back and forth and that actually helps somewhat.
Hell, even writing in here, which usually helps to sort things out, just seems like a fucking daunting task and I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head that I can't seem to organize and I feel awful all the time lately. I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get. That tiredness makes me feel physically and emotionally unwell, which causes me to eat less/worse, which makes things worse again. And then instead of working I just stress about working and things pile on and it all sucks and I just really hate myself lately. I'm trying to fight against those thoughts, but it is so difficult when the end just feels like it will never come and nothing is under my control and I can't handle all these things in front of me.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Haven't been able to motivate myself into doing work today. I only did a small bit of my MLE assignment for Tuesday and even that was exhausting for some reason. I know I shouldn't feel bad for trying to just relax and everything, but I do. And the guilt is kind of just making me feel worse. I need to do the MLE assignment, finish my powerpoint for comps, and start getting ready for a presentation next week and everything. I have so many things to do and no motivation to do any of them. Maybe I should stop trying to force it tonight and just relax so I could be super productive tomorrow. That might be for the best. If anything, I could ask for an extension on the assignment or something I don't know. I've just been having a terrible time.
When I was talking about my lack of romantic success lately friend S said some cute stuff (with the "if I was available" tagged in there, obviously) and it was nice. In another universe, maybe I would've went after him instead of the ex. It was flattering (and got me blushing and stuff) and kind of boosted my self-esteem a bit, especially since I've been feeling awful and gross lately and all.
When I was talking about my lack of romantic success lately friend S said some cute stuff (with the "if I was available" tagged in there, obviously) and it was nice. In another universe, maybe I would've went after him instead of the ex. It was flattering (and got me blushing and stuff) and kind of boosted my self-esteem a bit, especially since I've been feeling awful and gross lately and all.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Instead of going to the Halloween party with the department tonight, I ended up staying home because I was hit with this wave of terrible sadness and a desire to do absolutely nothing. Everyone was getting ready and just watching them made me tired; getting up and getting in my cosplay just felt like the most exhausting thing. And I didn't eat at all until around 8 today, which probably was a mistake. But I'm just feeling really down and sad and I want to go home again but I can't.
I have been enjoying talking with friend S; he and I have still been going back and forth and it has been really good for me, I think. Too bad I wasn't closer to Philly; he and I could have hung out or something but...oh well. I told him that the next time I'm in the area, I will hit him up so we could chill and stuff.
I said I was going to talk about this...so here we go I guess.
The other day, I started thinking about the past. Specifically, past relationship. I don't know why I was, maybe just because I've been down lately and lonely but also with a desire to not talk to anyone. So my mind returns to the time where I had someone there to just hold me and stuff when I was sad and it would make me feel at least a little bit better.
But as I was thinking that, I got somewhat angry with myself. Because those embraces were false, or at least potentially so. I wouldn't be able to tell exactly when his ~feelings~ started to change, so I just question it all. From the very beginning until the very end. I was never meant to be with him that long; he pretty much said that himself. That we were just together for too long, as if that was what is supposed to happen, or at least it was supposed to happen with us. Why he stayed as long as he did in the end, I don't know. It is obvious that by how fast he got with other people how much he did not want to be with me or even care for me anymore.
And again, the fact that he has someone who is probably awesome thinking that he is the best fucking person and loves him and lives with him and probably lets him do whatever he wants...it just angers me. In general. Perhaps it isn't fair for me to be angry, but at the same time I find it unjust that he gets to have that, as I've said in the past on more than a few occasions.
But to return to past memories, I started just thinking of what should be good times. Our interpretative dancing on a street in London, our time killing it on the adventure course in the Adirondacks, our Lord of the Rings marathon, doing stupid things like cold seat and me singing stupid rhyming songs, having dumbass nicknames, baking cookies, and other things. I wanted, in the moment I was in, to at least have something from the past that was good.
The problem...is that all of these supposedly good memories are filled with doubts and questions and suspicions. Every time he said how much he loved and cared about me, I ask myself if he was lying, and tell myself that he probably was. I wonder when he started really thinking about being with other people, even as he told me he only ever wanted to be with me. All those memories have been tainted with this dark cloud of my own hate and sadness, and it unfortunately cannot go away. Even the ones from the beginning of the relationship I look back on now with suspicion, and I now see the manipulation that went on as clear as day. Something that I was blind to in the past.
Really, this lack of good memories should make me sad. And in a way, I suppose it does. I've yet to mentally recover from his betrayal and our falling out; the environment of grad school makes that something that is extremely difficult for me to do, which is why I'm still piecing myself back together. But even as I get "better," I'm not really. I still want to be around few people, and I still don't trust anyone enough to get close to them in that way again. It was too painful. It hurt too much. So much, that it still affects me, whereas he has had three other women love him and be with him since me, and one has moved across country to be with him.
I've convinced myself he doesn't care. That he never really did. That he was always selfish, and once he got bored with me, he took off. For some reason, telling myself he never cared - while once destroying me - has given me more comfort. I suppose it fueled my anger, but it also was...more logical. Everything that happened makes more sense if he didn't care. And I know I should not always look for the logical answer, especially with emotions, but...I couldn't help it. It made sense.
And thus, I return to my main point: all my memories of him and our past together are tainted. And so, I have no good ones.
In a way, it makes me sad. But in another way, I don't really care.
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