Today's presentation was a bit demoralizing in that it was something that I should have theoretically been interested in, but I ended up being really bored with it and just not caring that much.  And that ended up with me writing some self-hating shit while sitting there.  My work ethic went out the window and I ended up eating way too much when we went out and now I want to play Dragon Age to continue avoiding my problems and everything.

I can't even focus enough to write a long (and needed) post to vent out feelings and stuff.

How the shit did my tex file go from having zero errors to over 100 after I installed the latest version of TeXnicCenter. What the shit changed.

Ugh probs shouldn't have updated it.

But yes, I'm back to relearning LaTeX cause I am supposed to teach it to the first years. Even though it is being awful right now in terms of setup and stuff. Why do I suck at things like this. Must. Relearn. 

In other regular news: I still have no idea what to do with my life and little motivation to figure it out and I kinda feel empty and shit. You know. The usual.

However, Inquisition is awesome.

I stayed home today to try and code some, because I knew that with everyone in the office I wouldn't actually do anything, but instead would just talk and avoid things.  Not that I've been especially productive at home, but I guess I have been more than I would have been otherwise.

Agility last night was awesome and I could tell that Callie really missed it.  And then this morning we went out for 3+ miles and I let her run around the big field and took treats with me to try and do some recall training with her.  She's getting better at it, but I need to work on it more than I usually do.

Oh, the new snow boots I got are fantastic and warm and I love them and it is kind of really sad, now that I think about it, that these new boots have been what has excited me the most since I got back, basically.

Semester 6

Semester started yesterday, and of course, I already feel like I am behind on things.

While the class for the Advanced Research Seminar seems like it will be interesting and good in terms of getting dissertation on track, I am also scared of it.  Because it is kind of dependent on having a clear area and adviser and right now I'm not sure about either one of those.  Though only having that one class for my own should theoretically allow me to have more time to figure out what it is that I want to do.

...Though the fact that I started Inquisition the other day is going to hurt that.  It is so good so far and that is the only thing I really want to do right now.  Even though I need to code and start making up a schedule and everything for work.

My plan for this semester is to try and build a 5-day workweek so that I am only working during that time and my time at home is spent relaxing.  I would like to have a living situation where I can completely separate my work life from everything else; the fact that the two have become blurred probably does nothing but contribute to my overall stress and anxiety.

Since I've been back I've found myself becoming more reclusive again; the idea of hanging out with people in my free time is just...unappealing.  Even hanging out with my roommates for an extended period of time seems like too much to handle and I just want to be by myself/just hanging out with Callie.  The problem is that I'm starting to worry that my reclusiveness is affecting her; she seems less social with other dogs when we go to the park and everything.  But when she and I are by ourselves and playing (in the snow, especially), she seems much happier.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it.  She just seems less energetic and outgoing than she was in the past.  It could be a function of becoming an adult, but she also just seems uninterested in toys and other things and I am afraid that my depression has rubbed off on her.

Hopefully the longer walks I've been taking her on and us going back to agility starting later today will get her more energetic or something.

Despite the long break, I still don't feel as though I am ready to be back.  Perhaps I should have done more for myself.

Maybe I'm already beating myself up too much.  It is only the second day of the semester.

So, comps were finished and handed in on Friday, and since then I've kind of been just hanging out and stuff.  Yesterday roommate B and I went to dinner and the arcade, which was fantastic, and then I've just been lazing today since Callie and I got back from our walk.

I'm glad to say that I've still been doing long walks in the mornings with her (and I increased the lengths of my other walks later on in the day), which has been really good despite my being tired all the time still.  That might be a combination of the increased exercise and the decreased eating (and only eating things filled with sugar because I was trying to just stay focused during comps).  But I've been using the Walk for a Dog app, and have walked more than 20 miles in the past five days, which is really good for me.  Not as active as I once was, but I still need to build stuff back up and that is one of the ways I can before I try anything else too intense.

Sadly, I'm still being mostly antisocial.  The idea of really hanging out with people is exhausting; I didn't go to a get-together/party that one of the first year's was holding for her birthday yesterday because the idea of having to go for a long time and hang out with people the whole time, especially since I don't know her that well in comparison to others, just seemed a bit overwhelming and I kind of just wanted to lay down and sleep.

Tomorrow starts classes and everything.  Which means I can't really avoid people as much anymore.  And of course, the question of where my interests are.  All that stuff.

I haven't had an ex dream in a while, but I did have one last night.  It was...weird.

For some reason, we were both at our undergrad, and he was originally with his gf and I didn't know he was there.  But then I saw him and got extremely angry and started yelling at him, telling him to "get off the east coast" because that was my territory (which...makes no sense, really, but whatever) and that he should just go away because no one wanted him around.  Alone, he followed me outside, where he started yelling back at me, though I just kept laughing and telling him how much I hated him and how horrible he was and that I was hoping to never have to see his face again, let alone see his gf with him and that it was a load of bullshit.

He seemed both hurt and furious, trying to tell me that I needed to "let things go," to which I kept responding with phrases like "I can't help my feelings" and such, which were echoes of things he told me when he dumped me.

I don't recall much else of our argument, but I remember then blacking out and waking up in a hospital bed.  Despite my thinking that I was asleep for maybe a day, it turned out that I was in a coma for about a week or so, and that my eye had been so bashed up that it needed extensive surgery.  Though, I could still see out of it; when I looked in the mirror, it had changed colour to this super pale blue - almost silver, really.  Realizing who it was who put me in that position, I swore that I would get even before he escaped to California again.  And that I would just need to be "smarter" in terms of sneaking up on him and returning what he did to me 10 times over.

I'm not really sure why I had this dream, especially during comps time, and I wouldn't really be able to tell you what it means.  Maybe it is that he is still capable of hurting me, and that I still have all this anger and hate built up inside because I was never able to really repay it or get any sort of closure or anything.  I don't know.

Again, it has been a long time since an ex dream happened.


Back to comps.

Allie: Making Mayhew's theory seem compatible with everything it is supposed to be incompatible with since 2012.

In other words, I have finished writing (not editing) the two answers I wrote for the American comp.  Tomorrow I'll need to head into the IR questions, which I am unfortunately not as solid on.  I read the comparative questions and I am regretting that I did not take that instead.  They just seem more straightforward.

Also the latest Parks and Rec gave me too many feels.

Oh, and I've been going out for much longer walks with Callie since I got back.  I'm going to keep trying to do that to get both of our energies up.  It is a small thing but hopefully it will help and then I'll have more motivation to do other things.

Got our comps questions a day earlier than we thought we would and I am okay with that.  I'm trying to not stress about it or worry too much; I sort of outlined some notes for one of them already and I think I'll take things one at a time instead of trying to figure out the plan for all four of them first.  That way I won't get confused between them or anything and can just shift focus from one to the other and things won't get jumbled (hopefully).

Also I'm still feeling weird and stuff, but roommates C and B and I went to see Taken 3, which was awesome.  In that "Liam kicking everyone's ass" is awesome, of course.  That is the reason we go to see those movies.  We bonded over Taken 2 in our first year so it is kind of awesome we were able to do that again.

Before that, I had a meeting with the grad director, who knows about my situation and everything in terms of my mental health stuff and she was checking up on me and wanting to chat about some stuff.  It is nice to have someone in the department (in terms of faculty) that I can directly go to with respect to that particular issue, and if I'm having a really rough time, I can go to her and she'll understand and help me as best as she could.  I really appreciate that.  We also talked about the politics and fiction class that I'm interested in developing for next year; she said she loves the idea (and is jealous that I would get to teach it aha), but is just concerned that it would take time away from my dissertation, and that is a bit worrisome since I'm still in the "I have no idea what I want to do" stage.  Which is understandable, really.  But hopefully I'll figure out a prospectus topic and will get into it; I really want to do the fiction class without any worries or possible problems (well...at least no problems that I can avoid).

It was a nice talk, really.

Also I've been taking Callie for hour-long walks in the morning instead of 20 minute ones.  I need to get back into being more active, and while that isn't a huge difference, it is a step.  I've been stuck in the listless tired phase too long and I would like to get out of it, but I'm afraid I'll exhaust myself if I try to do too many things too quickly, and then will end up not doing anything again.

After comps are over, I do think I'll try to sign up for something.  Some class.  To learn something physical.  Or just to be more active and...social with other people.

I've explained my fear and hatred of being a beginner at things, because I convince myself that I'm being cruelly judged and I don't like not being...good at things.  I'll blame it on the perfectionism (which is...exactly what drives that).  It is one of the reasons I get really embarrassed when I fuck up something in front of people and give up relatively quickly.  I don't want people to watch my failures.  Usually, I'd rather practice on my own and then at least get semi-decent before heading to a group.  But that is kind of impossible when I need to actually learn something new first.

I'll try to get over that fear.

I'm already feeling bored and listless and I've had a headache all day and I just don't want to be here.

So after being in traffic for some time yesterday I finally got back to Bing.  Now, my return would have been better if, while I was taking my stuff in, roommate J didn't let Callie out while she was super excited and everything and I had to spend more time than I would have liked trying to get her back (she's gotten used to running around by my house, mostly because there is someone who puts food out and she always goes for it but then will run away if you get too close because she then thinks it is a game and all that stuff).  Luckily, though, they all left to go to someone's house immediately after we got her, so I didn't need to deal with them for the rest of the night.

Comps are next week, and right now I'm not exactly...worried?  But I think it is more accurate to say that I'm apathetic about them.  Right now, anyway.  We'll see what happens.

I did wake up early and take Callie out for an hour-long walk this morning.

But...I might go back to sleep, since I'm still really tired.

Most likely heading back to Bing tomorrow, but I might end up leaving on Friday instead, depending on a few things.

I know I haven't been updating this as much as I should, and I'm sure I'll go back to doing so regularly once I get back.  I have been thinking about a lot of stuff but I guess I've been so distracted here that I haven't really been able to put those thoughts on paper.  A lot of it might be repetitive, I'm not entirely sure.  Much of it has to do with my...discomfort with dealing with this uncertainty of the future and of what actually brings me joy and what I'm passionate about.

But...I am tired since I have had a really difficult time falling asleep (and so have gotten little sleep the past few days since I've been forcing myself to get up at a semi-reasonable hour) so I will save that for maybe tomorrow or something.

Still awake, for some reason.  Oh, probably because I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today.  Yay for me, I guess.

Finished Breaking Bad today and did...not much else, truthfully.  Maybe tomorrow I'll ask younger sister if she wants to do something.  I've been bored and mindless for some time.

It is bad when you identify with (and thus end up rooting for) a protagonist who feels empty and then weirdly admires him for finding something that makes him feel alive and everything and refusing to give that up.  Despite, you know, all the morally terrible shit he did in the meantime.  But that transformation of feeling like you are drifting and hollow into this person who actually enjoys things...I don't know.  It is kind of remarkable.

Again, despite the moral depravity.

Mood-wise, this has been an odd past 24 hours or so.

I was actually doing okay yesterday, though maybe feeling frustrated with coding (1991 Madagascar was awful).  I got a decent amount done, though, but perhaps not enough.  I'm not entirely sure anymore.  I keep wanting to avoid thinking about other things having to do with work and school, although I am aware that there are questions in my head that I really can't procrastinate on anymore.  It just is...really...intimidating.

In a way, I guess I feel okay but it is almost empty, if that makes sense.  Like, I don't get any sense of fulfillment from anything I am currently doing at home, which mostly includes me on my computer or something similar.

Really, I realized that I was still feeling unhappy (with just this temporary band-aid on right now) when I was laying with Callie in my bed last night.  All of a sudden, this great feeling of inadequacy washed over me.  This feeling that I have been neglecting her and that I should be doing more with and for her and that I'm just not good enough to have her and that I was sorry.  And I started crying a little, and that feeling just wouldn't go away.  For some reason it just seems like doing simple things to get more active and everything again is very...difficult.  Like it is a hurdle that is too high for me to jump and I can't figure out how to climb it.

Friend just left, but the last two days with her included many good times and I was overall not really sad or melancholy or anything like that, which is always good.  Really, friends I haven't seen in a while tend to be buffers against that stuff, it seems.  Well, good friends I haven't seen in a while, anyway.

But yeah, over the past days we played a lot of board games, nommed good food, and just hung out and watched a lot of GoT related things.  And this new anime that is about magical boys and it was hilarious and ridiculous at the same time.

And yesterday we went to Barnes and Noble (kind of on accident; I was just driving around randomly looking for somewhere else but ended up at the mall somehow); I had a gift card that I had yet to spend, so I figured I would just run in there and see if there was anything that piqued my interest.  First, I remembered how much I really do enjoy book stores.  Man, I could've stayed in there for much much longer than we did.  It is unfortunate that things can be so expensive, though, compared to where I would buy the same things online.  But, oh well.  I had a gift card so it wasn't like I was spending my own actual money.

Since I've been really into jigsaw puzzles lately, I decided to get a 1000 piece puzzle.  And it involves underwater puppies! It looks so cute.  And then, since calendars were half off, I got this little calendar of "pooped puppies" - aka, sleepy puppies.  It is so fucking cute.

The only bad thing is that now I am behind on my coding and so I will need to catch up as much as possible today and tomorrow in order to get the hours for the week that I need.

Also, now watching the Murrster since roommate B went to Puerto Rico with his fam.  My parents and sister love him aha they were kind of excited.

Holy fuck why am I still awake.  And not tired at all.

And sometimes being awake this late makes me think about stupid shit despite my saying not too long ago that I was feeling better.

Also I've been spoiling Callie and letting her sleep in my bed with me even though it is only a twin.  She so rudely hogs most of it.

Today marked the first day of coding for the winter project.  It isn't terrible, and it is bringing in some extra cash, so I guess it is okay.  Plus I guess I'm in a better mood than usual due to my time in PA and also going out with roommate B yesterday night.  And another friend who lives in Boston is now coming down to visit tomorrow, so that should also be a fun time.

I won't lie and say that I've been completely happy or whatnot, but I feel as though I've been better than I have been in the past few weeks.  Likely, it won't last for incredibly long, but...maybe I can take advantage of it for now.  Start looking up and signing up for things that I have been wanting to do for some time but haven't due to anxiety.  And maybe start working out or something.  I really need to do that.  I still feel sluggish and I lately have felt kind of gross?  I don't know.  Lately I have been missing the days where I only ate around 1000 calories a day and was super thin.  And I know I was hitting an unhealthy thinness but...even knowing that I still found myself missing that look.  Which is bad, I know.  But...maybe working out again would make me feel less gross.

Also my sleep schedule has gotten all fucked up again.  Whee.

NYE

I got home from PA around two hours ago, after stopping in to Philly to visit Friend S.  He and I had lunch and then hung out for a while, which was really really nice.

So, anyway, I guess I can go into more detail right now about how NYE went and everything.

After I got to the apartment, it wasn't too long after college roommate and I went to pick up two other undergrad friends from the train station.  They both live in Philly right now (as do...a ton of people from my undergrad).  We ran to Wegmans and Wawa for foodstuffs, and then back to apartment.

Originally, the plan was to play board games throughout the night, but we all ended up just talking and swapping stories with each other.  A lot of them were nostalgic and about past experiences, and others were more recent.  Overall, it was a fun time; no board games, but listening to stories was fun, especially when one friend in particular tells them.  He is quite a hilarious storyteller.

Eventually, we got into more serious conversations.

One of which was the subject of my ex and our breakup.  Of the people in that room, the only one who knew what had really happened was my college roommate.  The other two didn't really know.  They both did say that they did not like him and that thought he was kind of an asshole even before I relayed what had happened.  I explained the manipulation and how the ex dumped me, and what he kept telling me despite being with someone else.  How he didn't really seem to care about my being hurt (I received some aghast looks when I told them that ex had told me that it was illogical and selfish for me to feel betrayed, for example, when I found certain things out), and kept dangling me until I finally did stop talking to him.  And then how he emailed me out of the blue after he broke up with his then-gf, and how he started out apologetic, but then got more and more defensive as I pointed more and more things out to him.  And, of course, how his replies became less frequent after he met his now gf.  Aka - I was no longer necessary since he had someone else to relieve him of the reality of how fucking terrible he is.

My friend told me a story of what happened the day the ex broke up with me - he was working in the library, and ex went up to him and said hi.  Which was surprising and weird to him, since he and ex never really talked and he apparently was not a fan of ex.  Apparently, ex just asked how he was doing and then randomly said that we had broken up and that "it just wasn't working out" and then left.  My friend said that this brought up a bunch of red flags for him - ex just going up and saying that to one of my friends and then trying to play it off as if it was no big deal; it was apparently obvious that the breakup was not mutual and that he was trying to play if off as if it was.

The fact that he went to my friends before I did is unsurprising, but also something I did not know.  But it is nice to hear that my friend say that he immediately knew that some bullshit had happened and that he always kind of disliked him (he then defriended him om facebook, which is, while not really that big of a deal, still symbolic).  He also asked if there was some level of sociopathy on ex's part, to which I said probably.  Also, after apologizing and saying that I probably should be over everything by now, they were all super understanding, saying that that kind of emotional manipulation and everything takes much much longer to get over than just a regular breakup, and that it also makes it difficult to want to date or trust anyone again.  I really appreciated that.

Later on that night, after college roommate and her boyfriend went to bed, the three of us remaining started talking about our depressions and anxieties, and how we have been trying to deal with them.  Hearing that the others were also on medication was oddly comforting.  I wish that we were all happy and did not need them, but...there is some comfort found in shared experiences.  All of us seem to have this same...confusion about where we are in life and what will make us happy or anything.  We don't seem to know what we want to do and all seem to feel lost.

We shared our stories and experiences and...I don't know.  Even though the topic was dark, it was nice, in its own weird way.

The next day we went to the diner near campus for lunch, as a way to continue the nostalgia.  It was interesting and nice, again.  Later on, after friends left, I went to college roommate's parents' house for dinner and to hang out for a bit.  Spent the night back at the apartment and then today I was able to get my blizzard and then go to Philly to see Friend S.

Overall, I am very pleased that I went out to PA.  Hopefully now that classes are done, I can go down there to see people more often.

Still in PA and it is still quite wonderful. I've been having a legit good time hanging with people and everything.

Something super awesome for me yesterday was ranting for a bit about the ex and everything that had happened to two people I didn't really tell anything to, and both not only said that he was a scumbag (and that neither one of them liked him even before I revealed this information), but were really understanding when I said I was sorry since I should be over it all by now. One said that emotional manipulative shit like that takes a super long time to move past and to then be okay with dating and trusting people again.

We also ended up getting into a deep conversation about our depressions and anxieties and how we all feel lost and fucked up right now and what meds we are on and you know...all that fun stuff. It was...comforting.

Also had collegeville diner experience today and went to college roommate's parents' place for dinner. Good times were had.

I will talk more about stuff tomorrow; didn't bring laptop so writing stuff on phone. Which isn't as good.