Break

Ah, forget details later, I guess I'll do them now because I need to sort out things and get it out of my head.

So I woke up feeling awful emotionally and less than stellar physically.  I kind of was a zombie in the morning and felt like I wasn't really awake.  Even getting out of bed was kind of difficult.  And by kind of, I mean incredibly.  I didn't want to get up or move or do anything even though I knew I had to.  It took me...around 3 hours until I actually worked on the powerpoint for my presentation, and even while doing so, I was still zombie-like.  I was sad and hadn't gotten a good night's sleep due to dreams about that chick who is playing people and my attempts to reveal these things to roommate B just ended up with him hating me and so that was awful and restless.

I did finish the powerpoint with time to spare and forced myself to shower, only because I was the presenter.  Any other time I probably would have said 'fuck it' and just didn't do it.  But I was, so I forced myself.

When I got there, I know I was still out of it, and couldn't really get myself into my real presenter mode, if that makes sense.  So I was kind of stumbling on words more than usual during my powerpoint.  But I made it through.

Of course, the question part is always tough (hell, it can be brutal), and usually even when I am sinking I can hold my own.  But being sad and not feeling well and wondering what I'm doing with my life and constantly asking myself what is wrong with me...you know, it all makes it so that it is difficult to concentrate and adequately answer questions and fight back against criticism.  So while my theory was being ripped apart and stuff, while being sad that it wasn't as cool as I thought, you know, it wasn't terrible.  That wasn't what triggered my break, really.  It contributed slightly, but wasn't what tipped the scale.

What tipped the scale was people asking me what my interest was.  What my theory was, and what I wanted it to focus on.  And hearing that again and again while also listening to the voice in my head telling me how fucking pathetic it was that I couldn't answer that question...well, it just caused me to break.  And I looked up to try and tune people out and keep myself from that, but once it started, I couldn't stop it.  I was hoping I'd be able to hold out until the end and then just cry to myself after everyone left, but nope.  Happened right there.

The prof I really like was there and once he realized what was happening he got up to start to talk to me and everything; everyone else knew what was going on too and the other profs started kind of freaking out a bit because I don't think they realized it until I actually broke.  But they continued a conversation (also trying, I guess, to not put any spotlight on me anymore) about things while he talked to me and I just kept crying and at one point asked him what was wrong with me and why couldn't I just figure this out, essentially, and he was saying that I have good ideas and it might be a question of how rather than what.  How do I want to go about doing things, essentially.  And he just stayed and talked to me until the end, and then stayed afterwards for a bit too.  After things were called, profs came up to me and one said sorry for continuing to hound on the interest thing, not realizing that it would essentially trigger that reaction, and another one was giving me advice and started giving support.  The three of them kept emphasizing that it is not that I have no good ideas, but rather that I have too many (which I...doubt, but I guess I'll take their word on it).  That no one thinks I can't do things, but rather that I just have so much in my head that I start crossing things that maybe cannot be crossed that well.

And then roommates were saying after the profs left that since I am still up in the air in terms of interest, that means the different subfields are pulling me in different directions, and so that adds another layer of stress on top of what I already have.

Meanwhile I just don't believe some of those things.  How can I do stuff when I can't even figure out what I want to focus on, which makes me stressed out enough to the point where I can't get through a damn presentation?

Ice cream and noms afterwards helped a bit.  But I'm still sad.

And again, despite really wanting to just sleep, I'm kind of being forced into interacting and getting out of my room.  Even though that just means going to my living room.  Kind of says something when I have stayed in my room so much that hanging out in the living room is considered me interacting with people.