Ran away for the weekend to my sister's house near Lake George.

Her puppy and Callie have been playing a lot.  And she has a fenced backyard so they can sprint and everything.

Didn't sleep well last night, which I suppose isn't very surprising.

I'm also not feeling fantastic, emotionally.  I skipped the lunch I was supposed to go to because we have prospective students here today, but...I'm just tired and sad and want to run away somewhere.

Maybe I'll just allow myself to play games all day and be a hermit.  Which I kind of am most days anyway.  But I do also need to go food shopping and stuff.  And I should do some work, I suppose.


Also, if I find out that roommate B helped (and by helped, I mean "did for") that first year on the homework I assigned that is due today, I'm going to flip out.

...Not that it matters, I guess.  Nothing really seems to.

We lie to the prospectives about how wonderful we are, when in reality we are crashing and dealing with inter-departmental bullshit.  I have to watch this chick, who, from my observations of her in my own class, bats her eyes at a bunch of guys and basically gets them to do a lot of stuff for her, which is infuriating to me as a woman since successful women are often told they "slept their way" to where they are, and she is fucking fueling that.  Not to mention it is annoying as hell in terms of just...credit, if that makes sense?  There are women in this department who work hard; a lot worker harder than I do, but I still don't ask others to do my work for me.  And seeing them work so hard vs. this person who doesn't seem to have that same thing...it is frustrating.

Okay, so...

In some way, I know I shouldn't really care about this.  I shouldn't because it isn't my life.  But I have been stressing about it to the point where I have been having nightmares and stuff and given what just happened I'm now severely judging and I'm just angry and disappointed and it means that I misjudged a good friend if I am correct.

I came home from this thing at my friend's house, and roommate B looked like he was getting ready to go somewhere.  And I had a feeling it was that first year's house.  Now, according to her cohort, her boyfriend from Germany was here until this morning.  He left today.  And roommate B has not gone to her house during the entire time he has been over in the U.S.  Now, the time he goes over her place is conveniently the time pretty much right after her boyfriend leaves, who I have been told is the sweetest fucking guy.

And now I'm convinced (which is something I was previously trying to argue against because I didn't think roommate B would do this if he was aware) that roommate B knows that this chick has a boyfriend and has emotionally toyed with someone else in the department (someone else that he has called a friend, really, which makes it doubly fucked up).  The reason being that he was very secretive about where he was going tonight, and didn't leave for a really long time while I was in the doorway.  When I asked why he moved my car (because...why wouldn't he just ask me to move it?) he said it was because he wanted to go to the gym in the morning and I "don't leave until noon."  (Of course, when moving my car he didn't put it in park, which could have been really bad if roommate C didn't come back and inform me.)  And he just looked...I don't know if guilty is the right word, but maybe.  Anyway, he was just acting really weird and at this point I knew where he was going, and his trying to hide it made it more obvious.  And in trying to hide it the way he did (as well as the timing) made me convinced that he knows that she is a piece of shit to her boyfriend and to this other guy and yet...idk because her vag has magical powers or something (this is what I have been saying whenever I hear about all these dudes liking her despite her being less than impressive to me and plenty of others) still decides to go over and sleep with her and stuff.

If he ends up hurt over this, he better not come to me.

Also, while I'm angry, I'm really fucking disappointed.  To the point where I'm ashamed of him, actually.  If he actually knows of her fucking around and stuff and doesn't care, then...yeah.  It is disappointing and I don't ever want him to come to me if he ends up hurt over it.

And, god forbid, if they actually do get together (and she actually breaks up with her German bf, which I doubt, because according to her cohort she always talks about marrying him), he probably should not think that he is so fucking special as to change her actions, because people who cheat and use people the way she obviously has...they don't fucking stop.

I just never expected that he would do something that he knows could actively hurt someone else.

It really is nice having a close girlfriend here; it has been such a recent thing for me, since I've been surrounded by guys basically my entire graduate career so far.  We have lunch every Tuesday at the on-campus restaurant and it is really nice.  We just sit and nom and chat for a while and it makes me realize even more how much I miss having a close female friend around.

It is funny, despite my always seeming to have more male than female friends, my closest friends have been women, usually very nerdy ones but nerdy in different ways (and of course, that is not used as an insult).  People look at best friend and I and wonder how we are so tight, since we are polar opposites.  College roommate and I, on the other hand, were more similar in interests and personality (though I would say she is more outgoing).  And now my friend here is way more type A than I am, and has more work ethic than anyone I think I have ever encountered (she kind of reminds me of Leslie Knope, actually, now that I'm thinking about it).


I still have been feeling down and don't want to do much of anything, especially when it comes to my own work.  I'm now going to pass on my midwest panel since...it got destroyed and everything.  I don't know if I can figure out a different paper to present in its slot...though I don't know if the best thing to do is just not register or if I should actively let them know.  I'm somewhat relieved but at the same time it just seems like another failure; I haven't had any presentations at conferences and I haven't gone to any this year.

Productivity has been difficult.  Maybe it will be better after this week when the coding project is done.  But I partially doubt it.  

It is awesome writing emails to your professor about why you didn't complete her assignment, the reason of which is the thing I've been stressing about and haven't been able to figure out.

And I'm so...I guess ashamed is the best word that I could think of, that I told her I wasn't feeling well and that I might not make it to class.  Because I remember our last class involved everyone being able to do things I wasn't able to get to and I almost broke down and had to zone out for a while to calm myself down.

I know people always say that it is important to not compare your progress with everyone else's, but I have always found it difficult to follow that advice.  Probably due to my competitiveness and perfectionism.  It just really sucks when everyone at least is in a ballpark and I'm...idk swimming in the ocean.

(That metaphor sucked, I know.)

Love having assignments that center around my unknown dissertation idea.  Should I even bother doing this?


Went to park with the pups because it was actually a nice day out today.  And because they were restless.

Been feeling weird this weekend.

For some reason I've been incredibly hungry today, but I've been craving junk food the most (cookies, mainly).  I did have my brown rice-cayenne pepper-chicken dish but after that I was still hungry and probably over-engorged on stuff, especially considering my less than stellar activity level as of late.

I did also start reading Ms. Marvel, who is awesome.  I also got the first volume of the newest Captain Marvel, which I plan on reading tomorrow.  So I'll have three lady superheros whose comics I follow - Thor, Ms. Marvel, and Captain Marvel.  I've been allowing myself to go after comics that have good female leads; I normally avoided comics due to how terribly most of them portray women.

(Speaking, the new Thor's sales have apparently been good, which is awesome since all the whiny dudebros were bitching about her.)


Had session today.  Kept talking about anxiety and things I can do to try and deal with that.  Also, I've been unable to get a decent night's sleep for about a week now.  I keep waking up at random hours and being unable to get back to sleep and then waking up way too early anyway.

...Speaking, I'll do that now, since I'm super tired.

Getting a consultation with a psychiatrist in about three weeks.  Hopefully he'll be able to put some new light onto my mood and medications and everything.  My doctor did prescribe me more xanax for when I need it, and we figured I could cut them in half to try and make their sedative effect on me less powerful.

The other day I told my parents what happened, which was something I was debating if I should do or not, not because they wouldn't be supportive, but more because I didn't think they would really understand.  And I was kind of right, I think.  I guess it is hard for them, because my acknowledgement of my anxiety and depression has been relatively recent in my lifetime.  While, looking back, I can see how my thought process in high school (and before) and undergrad were manifestations of these issues, and how ex breaking up with me was more the trigger which caused everything to explode, so to say.  Where they saw (see?  I'm not sure, really) my breakup as the cause of all this (and for a while it was a big contributor, but in a way that my thought patterns of self-hate and doubt fueled on it rather than those being caused by it), I know that my breakup was a catalyst, of sorts.

And so it isn't surprising when my mom tells me that I need some of the 'old me' back.  The assertiveness that I had in high school has been chipped away, and the passion I had for things back then seems impossible to revive right now.  But hearing her say that I need some of my old self back is...somewhat damaging, as much as I know she means well.  Because I have always thought that; that I should be how I was.  Hide my self-hate and doubt though aggression and assertion.  And when I hear her say that, I just hear that voice tell me how much better I was when I was younger.  That she would be disgusted with the person I am now and that I let myself down in so many ways.

I did tell her that I can't just wish that back, because that isn't how it works.  I can't just snap my fingers and have all that I wanted in terms of personality and interests.  The other thing is the interest; it is hard for me to explain my interest in so many things and yet my apathy towards it all.  I know, theoretically, some of the things I am interested in.  That if I was healthy, I would get really into and would really like to do.  (Unfortunately for me, that list is still longer than I would like and is also more cross-fields than most people are willing to tolerate, sadly.)  But how I have been lately has contributed to me seeing all of it as grey.  Things I am theoretically interested in and things I know I will never be interested in all blur together; they all elicit the same reaction from me, which is usually a blank stare and a shrug of my shoulders.  That blurriness makes it really difficult to discern what it is I want to do with my academic career and my life.

Which is very stressful when I have a class dedicated to writing the prospectus to your dissertation.

Speaking, roommate B came back like...15 minutes ago and I could not hide my distaste.

Yay passive aggressiveness.

Despite being born in summer, I was always more of a winter person.  My tolerance for the cold is much higher than my tolerance of the heat, and my favourite type of weather is snow.  It is something that comes across as very weird to people when I explain it to them (usually when I'm out walking Callie even when it is below 0).  But it also makes it so that it is easier for me to go out with her; I know when it is in the 20s I find it really nice and we can go for longer, which is good for her.

Tomorrow, roommate B is leaving for the ISA conference in New Orleans, and so I'll be watching the Murrster.  It should be a good time.  He usually hangs out in my room a lot anyway.  I think he stayed at that first year's house last night and I'm trying not to think about it?  On one hand, it is none of my business; what he does is his prerogative.  On the other hand, knowing what I know about her, how she basically has several guys at her beck and call and still is with her boyfriend from overseas and that at least one of them has gotten seriously hurt...knowing that makes me angry.  I know he is going to get invested in her - I can already tell based on how much he goes over there and bakes her something every single time he does - and thus when she is done with him he will end up really hurt.  I don't know, hopefully he really isn't invested in her, but...I doubt that entirely.

After my breakdown on Friday, my night actually was a lot of fun.  Scatergories was played and of course that turned into the Mario Kart of board games and it was wonderful.  And then Saturday I just coded and then got to spend a decent amount of skype time with best friend and that was awesome.

The good thing about Saturday too is that I honestly...didn't even fully realize it was Valentine's Day?  I didn't see a bunch of couple-type things and I didn't really feel sad or anything for being single.  Which is different from the last few V-Days.  My sadness that day was derived from what happened the prior afternoon.  So...that's good, I guess?


I have so many things to do that I have been avoiding.

Also I am definitely not going into the office today.

Break

Ah, forget details later, I guess I'll do them now because I need to sort out things and get it out of my head.

So I woke up feeling awful emotionally and less than stellar physically.  I kind of was a zombie in the morning and felt like I wasn't really awake.  Even getting out of bed was kind of difficult.  And by kind of, I mean incredibly.  I didn't want to get up or move or do anything even though I knew I had to.  It took me...around 3 hours until I actually worked on the powerpoint for my presentation, and even while doing so, I was still zombie-like.  I was sad and hadn't gotten a good night's sleep due to dreams about that chick who is playing people and my attempts to reveal these things to roommate B just ended up with him hating me and so that was awful and restless.

I did finish the powerpoint with time to spare and forced myself to shower, only because I was the presenter.  Any other time I probably would have said 'fuck it' and just didn't do it.  But I was, so I forced myself.

When I got there, I know I was still out of it, and couldn't really get myself into my real presenter mode, if that makes sense.  So I was kind of stumbling on words more than usual during my powerpoint.  But I made it through.

Of course, the question part is always tough (hell, it can be brutal), and usually even when I am sinking I can hold my own.  But being sad and not feeling well and wondering what I'm doing with my life and constantly asking myself what is wrong with me...you know, it all makes it so that it is difficult to concentrate and adequately answer questions and fight back against criticism.  So while my theory was being ripped apart and stuff, while being sad that it wasn't as cool as I thought, you know, it wasn't terrible.  That wasn't what triggered my break, really.  It contributed slightly, but wasn't what tipped the scale.

What tipped the scale was people asking me what my interest was.  What my theory was, and what I wanted it to focus on.  And hearing that again and again while also listening to the voice in my head telling me how fucking pathetic it was that I couldn't answer that question...well, it just caused me to break.  And I looked up to try and tune people out and keep myself from that, but once it started, I couldn't stop it.  I was hoping I'd be able to hold out until the end and then just cry to myself after everyone left, but nope.  Happened right there.

The prof I really like was there and once he realized what was happening he got up to start to talk to me and everything; everyone else knew what was going on too and the other profs started kind of freaking out a bit because I don't think they realized it until I actually broke.  But they continued a conversation (also trying, I guess, to not put any spotlight on me anymore) about things while he talked to me and I just kept crying and at one point asked him what was wrong with me and why couldn't I just figure this out, essentially, and he was saying that I have good ideas and it might be a question of how rather than what.  How do I want to go about doing things, essentially.  And he just stayed and talked to me until the end, and then stayed afterwards for a bit too.  After things were called, profs came up to me and one said sorry for continuing to hound on the interest thing, not realizing that it would essentially trigger that reaction, and another one was giving me advice and started giving support.  The three of them kept emphasizing that it is not that I have no good ideas, but rather that I have too many (which I...doubt, but I guess I'll take their word on it).  That no one thinks I can't do things, but rather that I just have so much in my head that I start crossing things that maybe cannot be crossed that well.

And then roommates were saying after the profs left that since I am still up in the air in terms of interest, that means the different subfields are pulling me in different directions, and so that adds another layer of stress on top of what I already have.

Meanwhile I just don't believe some of those things.  How can I do stuff when I can't even figure out what I want to focus on, which makes me stressed out enough to the point where I can't get through a damn presentation?

Ice cream and noms afterwards helped a bit.  But I'm still sad.

And again, despite really wanting to just sleep, I'm kind of being forced into interacting and getting out of my room.  Even though that just means going to my living room.  Kind of says something when I have stayed in my room so much that hanging out in the living room is considered me interacting with people.

Guess who ended up crying during her workshop presentation because people kept asking her about interests and stuff, which she has been stressing over way too much lately? Coupled with her feeling particularly sad today because...Idk depression flare up or whatever.

That's right, this girl. Whee.

Details later.

Despite my wanting to hide in bed I am going to interact instead because reasons.

Anger

Dealing with not being interested in anything and having people tell me basically to "keep working through it" is getting fucking annoying and I just want to shake people and/or just tell them to leave me alone.

I talked to a prof I really like and haven't been able to talk to in a while and he told me that I definitely have a tendency to "run and hide" when I start getting stressed and things get very difficult or when I get anxious and stuff and that is 100% accurate.

Oh, and I get to listen to roommate B and this first year in his room and right now they are just talking but fuck I know what happens this late at night and shit.  Normally, I'd be cheering him on, but this chick is def playing him cause she has been with others in the department and I've been told she still has a bf and has hurt someone else who is really nice and knowing all of this and being unable to say it because I'm not supposed to know some stuff is fucking aggravating and even her voice right now is making me so fucking angry.  Because I know what you are doing, you asshole.  And you're doing it to one of my best friends and I will fucking make you regret it if you fuck with him and hurt him and I'm so mad right now.

(The only good thing about that is that I actually had some feelings; sadly, in the form of anger, but anger is still better than nothing, I supposed, which is what I feel about pretty much everything else still.)

I wanted to write something maybe substantial but for some reason my computer started acting up and so Imma shut him down for a while. I have to teach linear to the first years in around fifteen minutes anyway.

I was thinking about going up to my sister's this weekend because I've been in this mood of getting visibly angry/annoyed/discouraged whenever anyone talks to me about any kind of work. And then that makes me not want to do work at all.

Boo. Later, perhaps.

I hate this right now I hate this class not due to structure but due to the blatant reminders about how much I fucking suck and have no idea what I'm doing and unlike everyone else I have zero motivation to do anything.  I'm finding that even when my roommates try to talk to me about any sort of work I'm getting annoyed and don't want to discuss it and I just want to get away and maybe try and get my own shit together somewhere away from here.

Or I could just go lie in a ditch and bury myself.  That'd be effective too.

That medical leave has been on my mind still and it is becoming more and more attractive.

Had a super bad migraine yesterday to the point where I couldn't function at all, basically.  Even meds didn't help whatsoever.  Ended up falling asleep before 10 and had to dim my computer and my television down as much as possible when using them and I didn't get nearly as much done as I had wanted.  Also felt super nauseous and didn't eat anything after lunch, basically.  Today I'm feeling a bit better but not 100% so I'm gonna have to be careful and stuff.  Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of coding done at the very least.  I'm far behind.

Well...xanax made me relaxed and sleepy so I fell asleep until after 9 and only woke up cause roommates came back and stuff. And even then I was kinda loopy for another hour or so. I remember being sad because we ran out of water.

But now I'm awake and so I shall enjoy snacks and Dragon age and hopefully will be able to be productive at least somewhat tomorrow and not sad enough to drive around aimlessly for no reason for a half hour and then take pills and fall asleep. But we will see.

I was super sad and stuff.  But then I took some meds.  Maybe more than I needed.

And now I'm waiting for pizza hut and will nom it and it will be delicious and I will play DA and hope I don't fall asleep before pizza guy gets here.

Wheeee. These pills are fun and make me not very sad.  Yayyyyyyy.

M&Ms for breakfast because why the fuck not. It isn't like anything matters anyway.

Walked pups in favourite type of weather setting. It was nice. Although I had a retriever roll in my pocket and it fell out and is thus lost in the snow. Oops.

Also got my crispies. Wonderful.

I had an ex-related dream last night, for the first time in a while.

When I woke up I remembered everything, but I am fuzzy on the details now, honestly.  I remember we were in some empty room, maybe an office.  And at first we were talking about something unrelated to our past.  Maybe business or something.  How we both ended up working for the same place is beyond me, but I digress.  Anyway, there was obvious tension in the room, and I think I said something along the lines of myself being the only one who was fighting for him among the higher ups (yes, I was an executive for some reason I have no idea), but that he was once again too stupid and blind to see it.

After that, things from the past started in.  And he continued to repeat things he had said in the past, and I kept rolling my eyes, until I eventually just became tired and exasperated.  I mentioned once again how much it sucked on my end to see him jump from me immediately to others, but that I wasn't surprised that he didn't really understand because he only ever really thought about himself.  And then I kind of threw my hands in the air and said, "whatever, it doesn't matter; you have [his gf's name] now and seem happy and I'm so glad for you."  The sarcasm was laid on really thick, but behind that I was just hurt and sad and I felt physically and emotionally weak.


Really, I don't know why this dream happened; it isn't like I've been actively thinking about him or the past or anything like that.  Maybe it is just that I find myself...relapsing, if that is the right word to use.  I'm eating only one real meal a day (with some unhealthy snacks surrounding that) and so I feel super weak and tired and don't want to do anything other than lay in bed and play games or watch tv or something.  And we have things to do in the department and one of them involves talking to your adviser about dissertation and I'm unnecessarily stressing about that because I have no idea what I want to do and therefore don't really know who my adviser should be anymore.

...I want crispy m&ms.  

First, I must say this: crispy M&Ms are back and I am super pleased and can't wait to get my hands on some.  They were my favourite when they were out and even though I had some when I was in Europe, I didn't like them as much over there (the chocolate was more bitter on them).  So I shall venture to find some sometime soon.


Today, the prof I TA for emailed me saying that she was really sick and asked me to do some stuff with the first years during that session.  I wasn't very well-prepped as a result, but I ended up just going through some basic R stuff.  I should make an assignment for them, but I don't really want to at the moment.


I was in this weird position before, just kind of walking aimlessly and staring at nothing as I contemplated what it would be like to run away with Callie.  But going to agility with her put me in a better mood overall.


Holy hell I am uninspired lately.  Even posts in this blog have slowed, which is bad, since this is my outlet for stuff.

Despite us having a weather warning and it being really bad outside, Binghamton decided that it should have campus open and classes on today.  Which is...bullshit.  And this isn't me just saying that I don't want to go, but it is legitimately dangerous outside and I can't believe that they would basically screw over commuters and everything by saying that because they are good with snow removal on campus that means they are good with snow removal elsewhere.  We aren't far from campus at all, truthfully (and I just went out with Callie for about an hour), but it really is bad and the other members of our cohort come from further away.  So we are sending a collective email in an attempt to get our professor to cancel class later today.  Hopefully she will go for it.

I took Callie out since it isn't that cold out, actually (well...it isn't in the single digits so to me it isn't that bad), and because she loves the snow (as do I, truthfully).  Instead of trudging all the way to the university's fields, I just took her to the elementary school, which is closer.  Sadly, she decided to run around in the woods area rather than the field, and ended up in someone's yard before coming back.  That person then pretty much asked me to make sure that didn't happen again, which...I can understand, honestly.  I'm just a bit sad that I've lost that place as somewhere to let her run like that.  Though it is my own fault; I should have a longer line to train her with recalls instead of assuming that because she is good in one place she will be good in another, which potentially has more smells and distractions.

Still.  Sad.  But I'll get one I think and actually do real training with her.  Hopefully.


Also in feels-related news, I still feel empty and sad and stuff.  And I am finding that I still do not want to interact with people.  My roommates have made comments about me hermiting in my room and things like that and how I don't leave it and stuff.  Which is all accurate.  And again, instead of doing productive things and trying to solve some issues, I've just been playing Dragon Age nonstop.  

Red light cameras are such bullshit.

Ugh.  Frustrate.

I don't even remember driving that day.  Also, from the looks of that video, it would have been worse to try and stop short.


Also I'm still incredibly anti-social and I don't even really care.  I don't really care about much of anything right now.