For some reason my drive to agility consisted of me thinking about what I would say in The Note if I ever were to write one. It isn't as though I've never had this though experiment before, it is just...disconcerting.

I feel weird lately.

I don't know if it is because we've been playing around with my medication in terms of doses, but it is strange.

Previously, I went up on something that sort of caused me to get shaky and tense and I was sort of irritated all the time, so we've gone back down.  Then, I guess because my shit has been continually resistant to meds, we went up for my mood stabilizer, and I cannot tell if what I'm feeling now is because of that or because I just am sad about other things.

Really, sad isn't the best word...it's more like an empty feeling.  Like I have no real thoughts and they are clouded by a fog that right now is making my head feel heavy.  It's odd.  I want to do things.  I know I have to do things.  But I also can't seem to bring myself to do them.  Whenever I try I just become weirdly exhausted and then feel like I need to sit down and do nothing for a while.  I hate it.  I just want to be a normal functioning person.  Like...have I just passed into being lazy and I've convinced myself that it is something else?  But...I don't want to be and everything seems so...difficult.  Tiring. 

I know that sounds like I'm whining.  It's hard to explain.

But I just am sort of.  Blank.  With a slight headache that hasn't seemed to go away. 

Hell, even though classes were cancelled today (snowstorm) and tomorrow morning, I'm still contemplating cancelling Wednesday if this keeps up.  I also have not made questions for Wednesday...it's hard to think of them, especially with a topic I don't know much about (we're doing human rights this week, which is not at all in my area of interest or expertise).  And in that situation, I would just ask my leaders to give me what they prepared and basically duplicate their first discussion leader grade, or something.  I don't know.

I cannot wait for this semester to be done.

The voice is loud today.

Almost the moment I sit down to try and grade some papers I find my mind just wandering off aimlessly.  Like...even if I graded like...5 a day or something I'd be done in a week and that would be great but for some reason I just haven't been able to like...read them?  I start to and then my mind wanders and I feel like I'm just looking at words and not absorbing them.  So I go try to do something else and then get mad at myself for not just sitting down to take care of these.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if I didn't give excessive amounts of commentary (as I've been told by multiple people, anyway).  I just figure that if they can improve, then its worth my putting the time in, or something.  I don't know. 

And Wednesdays I've dedicated solely to my own work (with zero exception), so I won't be grading any on that day.  But I do have office hours tomorrow and friend wants to get together after I finish at the gym to do work and shit so maybe that will help somehow.


I'm still dealing with that fuck of a student and I want to tear my hair out.


Signed up for NaNo this year, though with a twist/caveat - rather than saying "I'm going to write a novel," I just put everything under 'catchall.'  So it includes my dissertation and any/all fics and fic updates.  Basically I'm not so interested in just writing a continuous novel but more in just...writing.  Especially since I started writing fic again very very recently.  I want to do that as much as I can before the inevitable "I can't write fic/I can't write for fun" happens again. 

So, if I can write 50k words during the month - no matter what they're on - I'll be pretty pleased.


Also I feel weird and hot and cold at the same time this is annoying.

The same student I've been having problems with straight up just saying "I didn't read the syllabus" and still not like...listening to what I'm telling him to do is not helping my depressive episode right now I fucking hate him.

And there is the potential he is going to take my game theory class next semester and I wish I had the power to fucking veto a person taking my class because this fuck has caused trauma to resurface and other shit and after that happening I went into this depressive episode unable to function and tired all the time and unable to even get to the gym and everything. 

Depressive episodes are fantastic I love doing nothing all day and not being able to go to the gym and having to force myself to stay awake I love it.

Exit option has been loud in my head the past few days. Like...I can't be productive so I'm a waste of space and everything else why can't I just be normal and okay and able to just deal with this stuff. Why can't I just be able to function without going into these periods of sadness and blankness and inactivity. How can people just do that - I want to be like that.

But my brain is all fucked up so. Yeah. 

Again, I'm so tired that I cannot focus this is fantastic and a great way to get me to do things I don't want to do, like, you know, grading. 

I feel bad, a little, that I cannot seem to focus or function well enough to grade things on time anymore.  On top of me trying to put my energy towards writing my chapters (especially since chapter 1 needs to be reworked and it is annoying), I just cannot bring myself to care right now to get their shit back to them.  Which I feel bad about.  

I did try to write for fun over the weekend.  It was nice, actually.  It's been a while since I've done that.  However now I'm like "you idiot, that energy should have gone to dissertation and grading and shit."  So, that's a fun little voice.

Am I incoherent right now?  It feels like that.  Maybe if I eat...

I've just been so tired lately.

I mean, my default state is tired, honestly (to the point my psych said she may look into some sort of stimulant if the thing we are doing now doesn't help).  It's been worse this past week, though.  All I want to do is go back home and crawl into bed and sleep but I know I can't...or at least shouldn't.  If I do I'll be asleep for hours and then I'll just wake up still tired and then angry that I'm still tired.

It is especially frustrating because I haven't been able to really think clearly.  My thoughts are sluggish and cloudy, which makes it very difficult to write or grade or do anything that requires some semblance of thought.

I have also been dealing with flashbacks this week.  Like, I just sort of hear them in my head and then I'm mad at myself for them because, again, it's been fucking years and that impact was so great that one thing happens that is reminiscent and I'm pulled back so fast it's almost gives me whiplash.  And then I look at a friend of mine who went through similar things with his ex-fiance (so it might have been worse on that front) and he is fucking fine and has no problems and I just stare at him and wish that was me.  Maybe blame it on my mental illnesses and shit, I don't know.  And a combination of that plus being mostly aroace (I guess grey, technically speaking), so that shit was rare.

...

I wanted to write more but I keep losing my train of thought due to being tired.

Also, unrelated: Hollow Knight is so good and might be one of my favorite games ever, even if I'm having major problems trying to defeat Nightmare King Grimm and the godhome stuff.  I've been thinking about getting a Switch Lite (I do really want one but it is still expensive) and if I did I'd probably get the collectors edition for it even though I finished it at least 3 times already on the One.  It's so good.

I'm not very good at hiding my anger, especially when I'm not feeling well.

So the student who basically lied to my face pretty much knows that I'm pissed and I really don't want him to think it is because I'm mad about his religious obligations (I'm not).  I'm just angry that he lied to me and basically caused me to have...let's say an episode because it was reminiscent of things.

Unfortunately, again, I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I am angry.  So in class (he showed up late) and I told him to join a group he tried to talk to me and I sort of dismissed him right away and perhaps kind of rudely, when I think about it in hindsight.  I kind was like "yeah I got the email, now go join the group," with an implicit "leave me the fuck alone right now."  And then I didn't really acknowledge him leave at the end of class (even though he constantly fucking stays when I'm trying to talk to my group leaders and he knows I do this every goddamn week).  Both things could have been handled better if I just learned how to control my anger when it begins to leak out but I was just shaking and flashing back to the other day's episode and it is his goddamn fault and all of that could have been avoided if he just a) did not lie to me to begin with, or b) had the courtesy to email me first saying "I forgot about this religious obligation of mine, can we please move it back to Wednesday; my rabbi will be contact you about it but I'm sorry I said Monday was fine."  If, of course, he actually did forget (which I doubt) and wasn't just trying to play a game with me.

But now I'm a bit afraid he is going to complain about me to someone and say I'm discriminatory or some bullshit when I just was angry and upset that he had the audacity to fucking lie to me.  I already did talk to the current acting chair of the department about it, so if he catches wind of things he does know some of the context and stuff (and knows that I was angry and dismissive towards the student today, I did not hide that). 

I'm just...I've never fucking had a problem like this with a student.  Sure I've had ones I've had issues with but not like this.  And I don't know how to handle it and I feel like a fucking failure all because I took his lying to me maybe too personally and now I'm mad about it and what if he fucking goes to complain about me that might hurt my already low chances of getting a job fuck why couldn't you just pretend to be okay.  You do it all the goddamn time!

You're an idiot.  If you can't handle this you won't be able to handle other tough shit, you realize that, right?  Either stop sucking or just end it already for everyone's fucking sake.

Having my kindness used against me and taken advantage of drums up old memories I would rather forget.

Thoughts of "you never learn, do you," "this is what happens and you deserve it for being a gullible piece of garbage," "this is your fault you should have done things differently," "you expect too much you fucking idiot," and the like just start piling and I go back to feeling like how I did when I would cry and hyperventilate in the shower because the ex used my love and understanding as a weapon against me.

Ha, it has been fucking years and this is clearly a trigger of some kind and that is super awesome to have to deal with. This is just a student and yet I feel like I'm back to being unsure how to deal with the ex and that specific brand of manipulation and hating myself for allowing it (and hearing him in my head telling me I'm a sheep who will basically get eaten by the lions of this world and then hearing myself saying "he's right you know").

This isn't that why am I having flashbacks why am I panicking this isn't that you are better now what happened shouldn't do this to you anymore stop this stop this stop this

I am going to shower.

The fact that my trainer is pro-Trump fills me with rage and I feel gross and dirty giving money to him.

The only comfort I get is knowing that his vote doesn't fucking matter because we live in a solidly blue state.

I can't find a trainer who is not a right-winger and that sucks because I need one to get my ass out of bed and moving so my depression maybe can be alleviated just a little bit.

The least I think he can fucking do though is not talk about that shit with the other clients while I'm still in the gd building trying to work out since he /knows/ I am leftist and that I hate Trump like is that too much to ask.

And he just throws around bullshit and says "OH WELL YOU KNOW" when I wanna just ask for the source bc I can bet it is from some right-wing garbage source.

I don't think I have ever left so quickly. Again, I feel dirty knowing that I am giving him money but I cannot find anyone else.

Okay, new guy in my office: I get that you are blunt and have zero filter but I really do not need descriptions of how you're banging one of my former students and then I really don't need for you to go into more detail when I say that.

I can tell that this dude is going to be okay in short bursts and then as time goes on I'm going to want to strangle him.  Like I can't say anything without some sort of quip or something and while it is sometimes funny it really isn't funny when I am talking about something serious or am trying to explain some shit.


Friend is apparently moving into a gigantic mansion at a great price in the neighborhood by the school and asked me if I was interested in taking a room.  On the one hand: I've been very fed up with my living area lately and sort of missing time in a quieter area and it would be nice to have more room for Callie.  On the other: his boyfriend - who I am not a fan of - is also going to be living there and I'd have to give up living by myself.  And there is a pretty massive jump in rent I'd have to deal with as well.  Plus I hate moving aha.

But after having to deal with people crowding around my door asking me for my number as I'm trying to get inside...it sort of sounds like something I should at least give some thought to.  He said I can go next week to just check things out.  (This will not be a lock-in and I think he knows I'm leaning no just because of the 'I'll no longer be by myself' option aha.  But still, it is worth a look.)

When my sister is watching her daughters, she is active with them and pays attention to them. 

When my brother-in-law is, he just seems to put on a video or something and has them watch it while he does...whatever he wants (so not even things around the house).  I think right now its football but like...easily could take them downstairs so they could play while he has the game on but they're at least in the same room.  

(And right now I'm trying to work so like...I can't really watch myself since I have things to do for tomorrow...)

And there are so many gender implications to this and I hate it and I sometimes bring it up because my sister deserves more and she does that thing wives tend to do where they're like "well he does this at times, so it's totally okay" while they run around and do everything all the time. 

Honestly, I sometimes look at her and my other sister's marriages and am even more comfortable with the idea of not getting married.  (I mean, that's the path I'm on and shit, if only because the whole 'probably at least grey ace-aro' thing going on.)

But like...the men in my sisters' lives need to stop sucking.

My across-the-hall neighbor likes having a ton of friends over.  Which would be fine if they actually hung out inside his apartment and not out in the hallway right outside my door.  And even then I would be fine but they are always smoking weed (which I don't care about until the smell permeates my apartment and it constantly does), and I have to navigate around a bunch of guys who creepily ask for my number...

Tonight after walking Callie I had three (I think) of his friends sort of crowd around me and ask repeatedly for my number.  Now I always use the "I have a boyfriend" line despite it not being true, because sometimes then I'll be left alone.  Other times, like tonight, I get the "I would love you better" thing and I have to awkwardly smile and say good night and go in my apartment.

Being assertive would probably make some of this go away but I am intimidated and don't want to cause a big commotion so I just silently try to ignore things.  Plus, me vs. a ton of dudes probably wouldn't end well for me. 

Luckily, Callie is a visual deterrent, and a surprisingly good one at times?  She is the sweetest and loves people but she does get excited when there are a lot of people around and sometimes her energy stops people from bothering me.  I've had multiple people tell me that they are a bit more comfortable with the fact that I have her with me, considering the area I live in.  She is a big black dog, so again, that visual deterrent is there.


I've been having trouble writing my students' presentation reports for some reason.  It's annoying.

I feel like I should have my shit together by now.

Weirdly, even though I'm 29 I already see myself as 30 and all the connotations that come with that.  "Why aren't you finished with your degree?  Why are you such a fuckup that you can't even get that right?  Why are you still a parasite on the backs of your family members because you still cannot find ways to pay them back for everything they have done for you?  Why don't you connect with anyone anymore?  Why can't you just focus and finish so you can move on and disappoint a whole new set of people and trick them into thinking you are a functional human being?  Why won't you work out more?  Why can't you eat like a normal person?"

Obviously, my mind just races.  Even now, more and more questions are coming up and none of them are good.

(Also I'm dealing with a student who I can't really read...its like he sort of just expects me to do things for him because he has mental health stuff going on?  Even now he just came into my office hours and I was like "oh, so what's up" and he stared at me and kind of seemed surprised that I expected him to have questions instead of me just going into things?  So that hasn't been good for my stress, not going to lie.)

I mean...l guess I'm at least going through motions and there are good days and bad days.  Those thoughts are sort of constantly in my mind, it is more that sometimes they are loud and other times they're softer.


I had other shit I was going to write about but people came in to talk with me so I lost my train of thought.

Sometimes I think of things that I would want to say in conversations that I know would never happen. Like...by random occurrance, what if I ran into such and such person again? What would happen? What would I say? In some cases are there words that I could wield harshly enough that it hurts that person as much as they made me feel?

Part of me says that I shouldn't want that last thing, but I think of things anyway.

I'll cycle through people - former friends who dropped me because of fandom bullshit, a grad student in the cohort below me who lied to me, people who have hurt those I care deeply about, the ex-

It is the last one I hate the most, truly. How many years has it fucking been and it will be random moments where he shows up in my thoughts and I have these imaginary conversations. It doesn't really happen /often/ (honestly it probably seems often given I usually come to complain but it is infrequent) but I hate myself and him so much more when it does.

Sometimes it just happens because I am in my own head and he just decided to be the subject of my current weird thought experiment. It is stupid.

I mean, I know the reality is that nothing I said or could say in these hypotheticals would ever hurt him the way I'd really want to. But in my head, when I am frustrated, it is nice to think that there was some part of him that would care enough to be sad when faced with my vitriol.

In that way he isn't unique, I suppose. I guess that brings me some comfort. I shouldn't want to hurt people but there are those parts of me that still hurt when these things come into my head. And because I cannot feel better I just want to unleash it somehow in my imagination.

This is what happens when I decide to not work or play a game or some shit and my mind just wanders and races to corners I would rather have cobwebs growing on.

At this rate I'm just going through the motions.

I don't do fb so much anymore but fb why the fuck are you suggesting the ex's gf to me???

I know that commentary is good and meant to be helpful but I am resentful that it is coming in the 11th hour and I did not receive this sort of shit during the summer when I would have had time to work on it and now my 1st chapter/paper which I thought was done needs to be altered and fixed and I fucking suck and I don't know why I should even keep going at this rate because I'm never going to get the damn degree.

And it is upsetting that this is my reaction because I know it is supposed to be helpful and has good intentions and shit but I'm just. 

My morale is so low right now. 

Pretty sure it isn't the healthiest thing to he having intense anxiety about the upcoming semester and your unfinished syllabus and just look over at your plethora of meds and think "well, it isn't like anyone would find you in time since you live alone."

I just am feeling very unwell lately. Like I'm just a huge failure and I've tricked everyone into thinking I can sometimes be alright. It...hasn't been good.

Another rejection.

Sigh.

Does the paper just suck or what I keep getting reviews like "oh this is interesting just not suitable for here because of xyz reasons."

I'm sad and tired.

Luckily this last one said that I should look towards journals specializing in industrial organization and managerial economics.  I'm not familiar with economics journals, however, so I'll have to spend today doing some research.  Though I am extremely tired, which I blame on my wack-ass sleep schedule, two dogs who decide to wake me super early and then not really want me to go back to sleep, being depressed, and not really eating.  Even now I'm not hungry and I haven't had anything today yet and barely had a dinner last night.

I really was hoping this last one would at least give me and R&R but I got a desk reject in one day.  That's like a fucking record my paper must be that bad.  (And if the paper is that bad the chapter is shit too, I suppose.)

Maybe I should go back to thinking about non-academic jobs because apparently I cannot function at research despite my being able to teach well, supposedly.  I still need to finish and get the degree I've almost died for but...

Who knows.  I don't.  I'm sad.

So my manuscript got rejected but I wasn't too surprised by that since it was at one of the top 3 and I think it's been going to the wrong group of people...I've been having trouble figuring out the category to put this thing under and so its been going to like...hardcore methodologists.  And it is definitely not something for them (it isn't advanced enough and isn't really advancing the actual use of game theory), so I'm hoping the next journal will be better since it is about the merging of economic theory and political science which is...my entire dissertation.

I am trying to do my syllabus also, and I'm still having some difficulties fully deciding on the schedule but I think I'm closing in on something.  I just want to do something that they will enjoy and also learn from...for some reason I'm very anxious about it.  It might be because I have a lot of repeaters so they have a certain expectation that I am afraid of not living up to.

(It is about to storm here hopefully I don't lose power.)

(I totally did and my sister's dog is freaking out because he doesn't like storms so I'll finish thoughts later.)

I have a lot of weird thoughts running back and forth through my head right now; I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it all but it's like...they are racing.  It's weird.  I was told I should try to actually write instead of type but I don't have the proper notebook and I'm just not in the mood to handwrite.

So I'm visiting friend in Wisconsin and met up with another HS friend whom I haven't spoken to in years.  It was...odd.  Like, it wasn't bad, but I felt very disconnected the whole time.  Like I was watching two people from the outside and unable to penetrate the veil that surrounded them.  And it isn't like they made me feel that way.  I just...did.  Maybe I wanted things to be like they were and they weren't, or something?  I don't know.  My ability to make connections with people is very weak - which isn't unusual for me, but sort of weirdly smacked me in the face today - and my thoughts spiraled into thinking about my isolation (which is largely self-imposed; I know I am too comfortable with it) and wondering if...I'll just keep losing connections.  It felt weird, hearing about their productive lives and friendships.  I'm not unhappy for them, it's more...I felt alien?  Like those things are out of reach for me and I felt an unnecessary pang of jealousy because of it.  'Why can't you be that productive?  While they work and contribute to society, you sleep and stare at the wall blankly and remain a waste of space.' 

(And, of course, the exit option always becomes a fantasy in these situations.  So.  There's that.)

Weirdly, I talked about (to friend I'm visiting, not other HS friend) the ex in some detail for the first time in...a while.  I think it was brought up in a 'first love is someone you'll always think about' and I said "yeah, unfortunately."  Because fuck, he does still pop up into my head and even now I just want to expunge him from my memory.  I brought up some things that I hadn't even told her - about how I should have seen signs of what was to come while I was abroad.  Certain possessive behaviors and guilt-trips that were weaponized so effectively that I could not bring myself to experience certain things because it would upset him.  Which is bullshit, as I know now, but.  I felt sad.  And it didn't help that I was away.  I'm not good at keeping in touch with people continuously - if I had been home, I would have been able to relay some of these behaviors to close friends of mine.  Maybe they would have seen signs.  But I wasn't.  I was alone in a new country and he was who I spoke with every day.  And I had to speak with him every day.  I spent more than I should while in Rome on texting (I only had a British plan, not an international one) because he "couldn't handle" me not talking to him for the 5 days I spent there.  I remember getting sexually harassed and grabbed and going to my dorm and having a panic attack and he somehow made that about him?  Like he wasn't there to protect me.  Like I needed him there to keep an eye on me.

So many other things that I should have realized, but I was too blind to see it and too isolated to learn.

I still do get bitter about the fact that he was one of my two 'exceptions' in terms of feeling...something. 

I don't think about him actively so much but once in a while...things just remind me and I'm pulled back, staring at the version of me whose mind was shattered and wanting to curse her and hug her at the same time.  My own issues did not help anything, and I know I've said in the past that I think my own depression and sadness leaking through the mask is something that spurred his eventual non-interest in me.

I write a lot of fiction about manipulative and psychologically damaging relationships because of this.  I always was sort of interested in that sort of dark shit but I found it cathartic to experience it through a lens that I could control.  I really should get back to doing that.  It was nice and I think it might help me feel...less dead than I sometimes do.  Not all the time.  Mostly when I'm around my nieces I feel alive...but other times when I know I should feel more than I do or more connections it is just...emptiness.

At least when I was writing I had connections to the characters I wrote through.  Not sure how healthy that is but...it was still something.

I wrote this on twit and I know I've expressed this before but

Days that are meant to be 'special' just do not feel like that anymore. I'm not sure if that is a sign of me getting older or if it is my own mental state, but it makes me feel somewhat empty.

Like my birthday passed and...well my sister remembered it before I did.

And idk I was thinking about it instead of sleeping and the emptiness is sort of getting to me. Even though I was surrounded by fam, which keeps me in reality and is very nice, thinking about how the day felt so...un-special (it's late, shhh) has sort of hit me with a deep sadness.

I have a lot I should write about (a good thing: manuscript has been submitted again but this time its it's better) and I'm supposed to but Batman has taken over my life. The Arkham series has rekindled a long lost love I had.

I have been feeling resentful lately in terms of...how I'm constantly pushed aside once friends have significant others. Because I start wondering if I'm expected to have one in order to continue seeing my friends (because I guess you need to be in pairs or some shit idk I'm tired of wanting to hang out with just friend and they bring their SO without telling me). And I really am not interested; I have said ex was the unfortunate exception to my normal "I just don't feel romantic (or attracted to, for the most part) towards anyone," and that's still true. So it is annoying to have these stupid thoughts.

I'm on mobile otherwise maybe I'd write more.

I suddenly was hit with a huge wave of...loneliness?  I was just scrolling through twitter and for some reason some weird sadness hit me like...

It's hard to describe.  It's like...I just feel lonely.  Just feeling like it is inevitable that friends will drift apart or something, and that my life is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.  It hit very very very fucking suddenly.

Then again...maybe not so suddenly, I dunno; I've been feeling the turn from being super productive to being...in that depressed state.  Not as hard a crash as normal but still.

In my experience with dealing with shitty antis/purity police, the best way to get them to sort of stop trying to piss you off is to just...tell them they are free to think whatever they want.  Like, not even argue with them, just say "well you can think that if you want to."  I had someone come at me today for a thread of mine that has gained some traction calling out anti hypocrisy for consuming fiction which involves themes they all scream at people online about; she said that I spent "three whole days accomplishing nothing" and when I basically told her that I disagreed just based on the fact that she even replied (meaning the thread pissed her off lol) and that she overestimated the time I spent on it bc of how easily I can find these things, she responded with something about how I can find them but not think about them.  Essentially saying I'm an idiot without using those words lol.

And all I said was "again, you're free to think that if it makes you feel better for whatever reason."

I have not been replied to since.

It is kind of...good, actually; the way I handled that.  Not in the "oh shit I'm amazing" sort of way (because...lol), but in the acknowledgment that this really did not get to me the way that it would have a few months ago.  The reason I'm relaying it here is not because it bothered me so much as I was thinking about how effective that tactic has been and how easily I've been able to deploy it because my mental state has been better than usual.  I'm not just saying that; she really is free to think that, and if her life is so empty that being shitty to me on the internet and then going back to a handful of followers and them all saying how awful I am will make her feel better?  Then I do somewhat pity her.  I mean, I hate antis and anti culture but at the same time, that is sad.  I know we all get into those gossipy modes and shit but idk antis tend to do this sort of thing so much that I truly wonder if they get any enjoyment out of...anything else really.  Or are their lives are so empty that this is what they do.

I mean, I'm in a weirdly healthy state where I actually can think that.  Others cannot, and I would not have been able to a few months ago and might not be able to again in a few months, who knows. 


Other good news: I'm trying out a new gym place today I was told about because I tried a martial arts place last week and was not a fan (not because the people were bad or anything, but more because there were way too many people there and I was in a state of near panic the whole time, and I did not like the formality of everything; I don't remember what style they were teaching but it was traditional in the sense of like...bowing to your opponent and the floor and calling the teacher sir - which I will not do because it makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons).  But I relayed this info to the instructor and he was very nice about it and recommended this other place.  I emailed and was given a free one-on-one because I was referred to by that instructor to go over what they do and show the gym and figure out what would be best for me.  I have a good feeling about it, even though I am nervous about meeting new people...as I usually am.

Also, tomorrow going to try out trampoline park, which I am stoked for.


And my nieces are super cute and I got to babysit them this past Friday and hang out with them over the weekend.  I am not very good (or really...at all) at changing diapers, especially when they are of the poop variety.  Of course Avery had a massive one, and I changed it while gagging the whole time (like...it was bad), but the funny thing was that her and Immy both kept saying "okay?" to me and both looked so concerned.  It was cute and funny.

They also get all excited when I show up and pull me to play with them and apparently whenever they are even told that I'm coming to see them they get all happy which just makes me smile so much.  I've said before that I did not ever think I could love two tiny humans as much as I do them and that still is true. 

They...make me want to stay around.

Am I in a hypomania period or are my meds just working?  Let's find out!


Though I've been doing well in terms of productivity in the last week/week and a half, I am always cautious of it.  Basically I need to ride this wave for as long as possible just in case it is a high period and not just...me being more productive because medication is working.

I've been back on a xv kick since episode Ardyn and I cannot shake the feels?  It is weird; I do get emotional in terms of tragedies and shit but for some reason I've just been in a strange like...heart-wrenching sort of feels state.  And then I went through ep Ignis again and I'm just sort of unable to focus on anything else right now.  That can be troublesome, as my hyperfixation makes it difficult to concentrate on other things, but so far I still have been able to be productive.  I think it helps that I've been trying to separate work from home almost completely - I've been taking my work to Barnes and Noble and stuff and when I get home I do minimal to none.  I've been told that making that separation more solid will be able to help in terms of maybe not feeling like I have work always over my head and wanting to do something to escape it.


Also, Callie is with my parents for a little while; I miss her, but her not being around has let me stay out to get work done more.


Oh, and getting that teaching award was nice; my parents and sister and nieces came up and we had a good day after the celebration.  I wish people would come to me more, I think.

Me @ that fucked side of my head that is laughing and telling me to drive my car into the river as I try to just go out to buy some stupid tarps and causing me to have a mini breakdown in the fucking Lowes parking lot: shut up shut UP

I can feel myself giving up.

I just don't know what the point is in trying anymore.