Unknown

My counseling session is this Thursday and I'm already unnecessarily nervous for it.  I don't really know why.  It's obvious that I need to go...honestly counseling is probably something I should have been doing since high school.  I never want to throw around the 'I have depression' card, because I truly do not know if that is the case, and I don't like self-diagnosing.  While I have had episodes throughout my life where I become sad for no reason and at times it has been crippling, I understand that most people probably go through a similar process.  It does not mean that they have depression, similar to how it doesn't mean I have it either.

Though a dominant thought in my mind lately has been "if something really bad happened to me, it wouldn't really be a big deal."

And while this is not the first time that thought has crossed my mind, it is the first time in a while that it has been so obnoxiously loud.  Hence, the counseling appointment.

Because despite how many people I think of who love me...I still don't think it would be a big deal.  And at times that has translated into me hoping something bad would happen to me.  I'd like to think that I wouldn't then make that a reality myself...but the problem is that my deterrence is based on my own dislike of pain and fear of the unknown, not necessarily because I shouldn't.

Again.  Hence the counseling appointment.

I hope this whole thing doesn't come across as super emo.  I wouldn't be surprised if it did, though, considering I have very little to be sad about.  It frustrates me.


I really want to go home this weekend, even if I will have a lot of work to do.  Speaking of, I have a methods assignment due Tuesday and I have no idea what I should write about still.  Plus, I have not touched the papers I need to grade for the undergrads.

Awesome.