Ticket

Yeah, I got a ticket today.  Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why.

I arrived to campus with between 15 and 20 minutes left before my class started.  What did I realize immediately upon parking?  That I had left all of the essays and midterms for the undergrads back at my apartment.  The essays and midterms I had just spent like...three full days grading.

So, thinking that I would not have time before my discussion class to get them, I decided I was going to rush back to my apartment, grab them, and then be back on campus in time for my class.

Nope.  Because I was in such a rush, I didn't realize exactly how fast I was going (I did know I was speeding, because I was hurrying), and got pulled over and ticketed.  I need to go into court in like...two weeks.

And then, that little voice that tells me all my flaws and never allows me to make mistakes became obnoxiously loud, reminding me that if I didn't suck so hard and just fucking remembered the tests, none of this would have happened.  So, I called my parents and proceeded to get hysterical because of all the stress from everything.  Obviously, I did not make it to my class anywhere close to on time.  Though my professor was cool with it, which is good, especially considering this shit-tastic situation.

This sucks.

I still want to talk.

I once said that if something casual was going on between him and her, I did not want to talk to him (or rather, I want to, because I always want to, but I really can't), and that still remains true.  I realize that might be a little messed up, but...I don't know.  I'm tired of seeing/hearing/reading things and feeling awful.  Feeling replaced.  Even though he says that's not true and that I'm his favourite person and that I am irreplaceable, it still feels like that.

Though I haven't heard anything about actually trying to have a conversation.

Man, this whole stomach hurting thing really is annoying.

[Edit] - Okay he just hasn't had any time to himself.  I'm really selfish.

More grading

My second class is not doing nearly as well on these essays so far as my first class did.  And while I've only finished reading four out of thirteen of them, I still can tell that they're just not as good.  I'm supposed to grade all their papers and their tests by tonight, and I honestly don't know if that is going to happen.  I think I'll try to definitely get all the papers done, but I don't know if I'll be able to get all the tests finished by their discussion class tomorrow.  Especially since I'm supposed to read fourteen articles by tomorrow for seminar.  (Yeah.  That's probably not happening.)

My friends and I keep joking and hoping that the hurricane swings back around and hits us again so we could get off for tomorrow also.  Man, that'd be really fucking sweet.

Speaking of, although Long Island got hit really hard, my family is alright.  I don't think the area we live in got it as bad as some of the surrounding towns.


I don't know if a conversation is still going to happen, since some things seem to have been clarified, if that is the right word for it.  Besides, I know things are probably weird right now with the hurricane and travelling and all.  Bah.  I don't really know.  I still really do need to seriously consider things in terms of communication, though.  I do.  I know I do, even though I really don't want to.  Fuck, we'll see, I guess.  Some sort of conversation is probably best.


Tonight, I think I'm going to get pizza for dinner.  Because fuck you, that's why.  I want pizza.   

Hurricane pt 2

My friend messaged me on facebook a little while ago and informed me of exactly how bad the hurricane has hit the city, Jersey, and the Island.  So now I'm really concerned and worried; I haven't realized how bad it is only because my blinds have been shut and I've had power all day.  (And I sincerely hope it stays on for a while, because I really do need it still.  Since I'm still grading, sadly enough.)

With the ocean close enough to my house, I really just hope my hometown doesn't flood or anything, and that my parents and sister are all okay.  I hope my other sisters are okay too, of course.  Fuck, I just want everyone to be fine and not hurt or anything.  And I know I'm probably over-worrying now, but still.

I do hope classes get cancelled for tomorrow as well, though.  I don't know if it will, but it'd be nice.

The wind is really loud now, though.

Hurricane

Due to the hurricane, seminar class was cancelled.  I also cancelled my discussion class this morning because I'm still not feeling very well, and...I don't know.  I didn't have all the papers graded so I was running from responsibility.  Speaking of, that's what I'm going to be doing today.  Grading tests and papers.

My stomach is still bothering me, and my throat feels scratchy.  I always get nervous when my throat starts bothering me, because in the past it was always a red flag for strep or something.  I know I'm probably just paranoid, but...it always does scare me.


I forced myself to eat a piece of toast, and even that seemed like a big thing.

[Edit] - Man, I know I have problems when I look at a picture of a bowl of delicious chocolate and stuff, and it makes me feel even sicker.  What the hell.

I feel sick

I just read something that has made that too familiar knot return in my stomach.

I don't even want to talk about homecoming right now, but to make a long story very short: had a fun time at the gala with friends, though I saw someone I really did not want to see.  The next day I had lunch with him where I started feeling as sick as I do right now, and he informed me of the fact that he's not dating anyone, and we both remarked how we miss each other and I fucking sobbed because I'm a loser.  What I just read, however, makes me question that entire conversation.  I should really stop reading it, but I can't, at this point.  I'm masochistic, searching for things I know are just going to hurt me in the end.

I don't know what is true, really.  How she characterizes everything, or what he tells me.


I might want to stop communication with him.  I really don't want to, but at the same time, I really can't handle this anymore.

Short update

Homecoming was fun, overall.  Halloween party was eh, though everyone liked my costume a lot (I went as one of my professors.  I may or may not wear it on Wednesday, when we have his class.  It'd be funny, but I might chicken out.)  I could have stayed at Ursinus tonight also and part of me wishes I did.

I hope the hurricane makes the weather bad enough so classes are cancelled on Monday, at least.  I just could use some extra time to get stuff done.

A bigger update will happen tomorrow, since I'm far too sleepy and lazy to write one up at the moment.

Sleep

So I did not actually wake up until almost 11:30.  Meaning I pretty much slept for at least twelve hours.  Yeah, I woke up once or twice but fell back asleep very quickly.  Man, I really did need that.

Only problem now is that it is almost workshop time and I still haven't graded any of the things I need to have done by Monday.  Maybe I'll bring them with me to workshop and sit in the back and try to do both at once.  Honestly I'd rather sit in my office and try to finish grading, but I know we're supposed to go to workshops.

Heading to UC after I pick up two things I need for my costume.  I think I'm going to go as one of my professors, so I need a sweater vest and a collared shirt.  I'll just stop by the mall or something super fast right after workshops.

Still nervous about something in particular.  But excited to see Karen and other friends and have a good time.   I'll be staying in Musser tonight, most likely.  I think a guy I met over graduation week lives there; I wonder if he'd be interested in hanging out or anything at some point.

I do need to get dressed up tonight due to gala.  I wonder if I need to print anything out, or if my name is just going to be on some list...

Grading

I just have no idea how to grade.  Or maybe it is more that I'm too exhausted to try and grade anything right now.  The words keep moving away from my eyes.  Seriously, I don't want to do anything other than sleep.

I'm supposed to go out to a bar with people in like...a half hour though.  I want to go, but at the same time, I really don't want to.  I shouldn't even drink, since I ate next to nothing again today.  I really just don't feel well.

Just sent them a text asking if it would be cool if I passed on tonight.  I feel bad, since we've been talking about this for like...the past week.  But I did not think I would be this exhausted, even earlier today.

Dude.  Fuck grading.

Crapped out

Well I crapped out on the last part of that question.  But how can I discuss the tradeoffs of all the different types of validity when a) it's not actually discussed in the book, and more importantly, b) I do not have that much fucking room to work with.

I can't think clearly anymore.  Plus, I have a stupid TA meeting at 10.  I am actually thinking about skipping the lecture class tomorrow so I can edit all this and print it out right after.

Fuck.

Bedtime.

Two-thirds

Okay.  I've finished two out of the three answers I need for this midterm.  I have not really edited the first two, and that is something I am definitely going to need to do, but at least I'm two-thirds of the way completed.  Only problem is that I don't really know which question I want to pick as my last one.  Do I want to do the question about validity, or would I rather do the question on experiments?  Or would I like to risk it and do the culture question?  ...No, I'd rather not do that last one.  (Too bad it wasn't an institution question instead.  I would like that way more.)

And I realize I'm posting a lot tonight but I need something to break in between all of this, so I figure this is a decent thing to do!

I think soon I'm going to need more soda for caffeine.  Also, I'm mad; because of all this work, I have not been able to Insanity for the past two days.  I'm so sorry Shaun T!

Maybe if I shower I can wake up a little more.  I think I'll do that!  It might also help with this mild headache I can feel coming on.

I wish

That I could see the value in myself that others apparently see in me.  People will tell me so many wonderful things about myself, and I just don't see it.  I only see the flaws.  

It's something I've lived with for, honestly, as long as I could remember.  It drives my perfectionism, in an unhealthy way.  

Tonight is most likely going to be a very late night or even an all-nighter.  I really don't want it to be, but it's my own fault for not being able to muster the drive to write this stupid thing earlier in the week or over the weekend or something. 

I'm both excited and apprehensive about this weekend.  All I want is to have fun.  Yet I'm terrified about something in particular.  

This entry really is not supposed to sound as emo as it does.

Tired

"You look exhausted."

I've heard these words (or a variation of them and some synonyms) far too many times in the past two days, and I can completely understand why.  I feel like I could sleep for half a day, if given the chance.  And not even that, I'm just mentally taxed.

But I can't sleep or anything like that today, because I need to write this midterm, which I'm already fucking up royally, I think.  I would ask for an extension, but I hate doing that.  If I can't fucking get it in on time, then I don't deserve a full grade.


My parents might come visit me next weekend.  I hope they can.  I'd like to see them.

I feel like I had more to say in this, but I'm just that tired that I don't even remember.

Historical Institutionalism

Well, it looks like I might be arguing the same point in this reaction paper for comparative that I wrote about in my last two essays.  While my professor actually said he likes the idea of us having only one point for the entire semester, if that is possible, I still am weary about doing that.  It's just me saying the same thing applied to different pieces each week.

But seriously, why the fuck do I need to know about politics in Victorian England; what does that tell me about now?  Especially with Great Britain; that constitution constantly changes because of its flexible nature, so why would knowing the description of the development of the cabinet and political parties (which are different in today's political environment) help me understand the political workings of the United Kingdom today?

I don't know.  The book was good but it was entirely a historical account that leaves me asking "what next" in a sense.  Plus, it was majorly descriptive, rather than arguing anything in particular?

If you're going to talk about history for institutions, honestly, that really does need to be contemporary history.  Especially for the U.K., in my opinion.  Of course, I have several classmates that disagree with me, and I understand entirely their disagreements, and I hope they (and others) do not take this as me saying history never matters.  History does matter in some contexts!  And history is important to know for history's sake, of course.  However, I fail to see history's necessity to studying institutions and their effects on politics in the present day.  Which I what I personally am concerned with!  The only way I would really care about history is when I would be comparing two different time periods in order to compare/contrast them and maybe figure out which set of institutions was better for policy or whatnot.

...Yeah, I'll probably be arguing this yet again.  Hopefully I won't come across as too annoying.  (Though my professor seems to like me and agree with me on this topic so I think I should be safe with him, and isn't that was really matters in the end?  Ahaha.)

Man, if I had known I was definitely going in this direction, I would've brought my external hard drive with me so I could take some quotes/ideas from my thesis.

Received a sheet detailing my classes for next semester.  Seminar in American Politics.  Research Methods and Statistics II.  Introduction to formal theory.  They're MWF respectively, all from 9:40 - 12:40.  Boo, morning classes.  (Though this can be a blessing in disguise, allowing me to get done with stuff a lot earlier than I do now because of all afternoon classes.)

I'm realizing how screwed I am because I'll be unavailable Friday afternoon and all day Saturday.  I still need to do this reaction paper by tomorrow, my methods midterm by Thursday, grade all the midterms for the undergrads and grade all the papers for the undergrads for Monday, and I sort of wanted to write a reaction paper for IR for Monday too, since I've yet to write one at all so far.

...But complaining about it on here is so much more fun.

At least I talked about my paper so I know that's what I'm going to do.    

Another dream

You know the kind I'm talking about.  I'm not going to go into details this time around just because I'm still tired and I have little desire to.

I have to work my ass off today, since I did not get all I wanted done yesterday.  Luckily, my methods class is cancelled today so we can work on our midterm.  So I'll be in my office practically all day.  That's good.  I get more work done when I'm there rather than at my apartment.

The presidential debate was fine.  Not as entertaining as the other two, except for the bayonets comment.  Also, it was annoying that in a debate over foreign policy, domestic issues took center stage for a while.

I want to go back to sleep.

Fuck you self, you're not going to post song lyrics like an annoying hipster.  If you really want to, do it in your private blog so that no one sees that bullshit.  Or do it on facebook, where no one gives a shit and people could be like "OH SHIT, I LOVE THAT SONG" or something.

Getting the rest of the comparative readings done and finishing the reaction paper tonight might be a difficult task.  But I'm going to try.  If I didn't get distracted by something earlier, I'd be more done by now.  Hell, I'd be more done if I was not distracted now with writing this entry.

Weekend is coming, and I'm uncertain about something in particular.  And I want to roundhouse kick someone in the face.  Well.  A lot of someones.  I'll just imagine it.

Also that thing I was thinking about not doing, I think I'm going to actually do.  At least I'll think about it further.  I really should.  It would be good for me.


My stomach hurts.


The presidential debate is on.  I forgot.  This means I won't get what I want done finished.  Crap.

Discussion groups

My Monday class at least humours me when I don't really have anything planned, as they really seemed to get into the pro-democracy vs. anti-democracy debate I forced them into.  Of course, a few specific people dominated the discussion, but that's alright.  As long as they were at least somewhat into it and everything.  Plus, I decided to not give them a quiz this week, since they just had the midterm and everything.

I just do not know if that will work with my Wednesday group as well, since they would be more in favour of just staring at me blankly, or something.  Or they'll complain about something, most likely.

Really, I need to get out of this motivational rut that I'm in.  I'm still mentally and emotionally taxed from this weekend, but I have so many things to do, and I need to get a lot of them done before Friday, since I need to leave for Pennsylvania almost immediately after workshops.  I'm really excited, but I'm nervous I won't be able to grade all the papers and tests and do my comparative reaction paper/readings and finish the midterm for methods without probably going at least somewhat insane.

I guess I deserve it.  I didn't do nearly enough work this weekend for various reasons.

The gala is semi-formal, and I don't know if I should go get something to wear or if I should just stick with the dress I have or the skirt I have.  Really, it's one or the other.  The dress might be too formal, but.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll run over somewhere and see.  I get paid this week (and I should have a check waiting for me), so money isn't a big deal.  I just hate shopping.  And I'm not a dress person overall.

It's really not something on my list of things that are absolutely necessary.


I wish when I put books on my head, I could just absorb everything they said, so I wouldn't need to go through the actual process of reading them.

Also, my headphones are pretty sweet.

Nope

The title pretty much sums up my feelings right now.

I have no lesson plan for tomorrow.  And no idea what to do for tomorrow since they had no readings last week.  Maybe a facilitated debate or something.

Was invited to Walking Dead party, though obviously said no.  I really don't know how I'm going to interact with him after this weekend and the bomb he dropped on me.

All I wanted to do today was watch the Hunger Games.  It's loaded, but remains at the 0:00 mark because I haven't been able to push the play button.  I should be able to now, if I wanted, but I should do work instead.  But I have no motivation.

At least I finished the reading for IR tomorrow.  I guess.  Took me long enough.

Meh.

I could use another Long Island.  Or martini.  Or something alcoholic.  That'd be nice.

Applebee's

Went out with my two friends to Applebee's for half price appetizers and drinks, and got to talk to them both about the news I received today.  They're both not happy about it, which is really comforting to me.  I really did pick the best friends to have up here.

One of them just sent me a message saying that I am awesome and cool and that he has my back if I ever need anything and I just broke out in a huge smile.  Between them, and then Karen and Anisha earlier comforting me...I need to remember that my friends are always there for me, and to try to not get too discouraged when some big news hits me in the worst of ways.

I may be unlucky in some respects, but I have to say, I am very lucky in others.

I need to remember this more often.


Also got my ticket for the gala on Friday night for homecoming, since Karen wanted me to go.  So, heading down there on Friday and I might then really try to make it back for the Halloween party.  Though I need a costume.  I sort of want to be lady Loki, but there's not enough time to make that.  I'll just need to go into a costume store or something.

...

I'm a homewrecker.

Even though I did not really do anything wrong.

But still.  Shit.


This wasn't the way it was supposed to go.

I want to drink more.

Also I'm sick of guys telling me how awesome I am and that they don't deserve to be with me/be friends with me/know me.  It's becoming a pattern.

Drinks

So last night, instead of doing any of the massive pile of work that I need to do, I went out with two friends for drinks.  First we went to a cafe/bar and had dinner and I had two martinis (well...two and a halfish; the first one I didn't like so I was able to switch it out for a different one).  Then, because I was already buzzed, I was very "LET'S DRINK MORE."  My friends remarked that it was funny and I was super relaxed and that it was the first time they've seen me drink more than one drink when we went out.

So we stopped at another bar and got a tower of Long Island Iced Tea.  Jesus.  I had about five or so glasses of that.  In this time I invited electrical engineer out and he showed up with one of his roommates (who is awesome), and the five of us just danced and enjoyed ourselves.  The two friends I went out with originally said that I was the coolest girl they've ever met, and that made me really happy.  Especially with all the problems I've been dealing with mentally...it was just really nice to hear.  I'm really lucky and happy to have made such awesome friends already.

I also had two amaretto sours after we killed the tower of Long Islands.  Honestly, I have no idea how I didn't black out or throw up or anything like that.

Electrical engineer drove my car and me back to my apartment.  I'm glad I invited him out too, and my friends had fun with him and his roommate.  Maybe we can all hang out again soon!

We're planning on a post-midterm celebration next week.  Hopefully more of the cohort will be able to come out!

I need to shower.

Hungry

I haven't eaten at all today so I figure that having dinner before working out would be better than the alternative.  Though this means I won't be working out probably until 8 or 9 later, that's alright.  It's better than starting a workout and passing out or something right now.

We received the questions for our midterm in research methods, and honestly it doesn't seem like it should be that difficult.  Then again, I have a lot of work to do, so I don't want to say that and then end up needing to write the whole thing Wednesday night.  I'll try and do a big chunk of it this weekend.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going home then.  Which kind of sucks.  I really wanted to.

The midterm for the undergrads was today, so all I did for that class was sit around and proctor that.  It could have been a lot worse.  I was really annoyed when one of my students at the end told me that he didn't know my name.  Fuck, it's not like I sign every email or anything like that.  I don't know, that really bugged me.

Had my counseling appointment, which was really good.  I liked the woman I was able to talk to.  We basically went over mainly my roommate issues and my breakup and stuff (I really do not want to go into the finer details here), and I'm going back to her on Wednesday morning.  I don't really know what else to talk about, but I thought going back was a better choice than not.

Although I'm still feeling really lazy, I should get work done today.  Even if I'm just reading the book that I was supposed to have finished yesterday.

Free Day

Well...it was sort of a free day.  Really, there are no readings for tomorrow so my friends and I decided that we were going to go see a movie after I finished teaching my discussion class.  I am behind on some readings (I didn't get to a book that was supposed to be finished by today's class thanks to the two assignments I had due this week), so I probably should have stayed in and caught up because of the freed time, but I thought that going out was better for my mental health.

And it was!  We saw Sinister, which was more creepy than scary, and wasn't bad, but wasn't praise-worthy either.  After, we sat in the parking lot and talked about stuff for about another hour, which was nice.  I didn't even realize an hour went by.

I don't think I'll be able to go home on Friday for this weekend, which is kind of a huge bummer.

But, after my counseling session tomorrow (which I'm still really nervous about), I'm meeting up with an old friend from high school.  He's going to show me around a little and we're going to catch up and everything.  So that's exciting!

My fingers are cold from standing outside for so long.  Warm snuggling in my blankets sounds like the best thing to do right now.

The headphones I bought are supposed to arrive tomorrow.  Can't wait to try them out!

Presidential Debate 2

So rather than do my reaction paper for tomorrow, I watched the debate, which I think Obama ended up taking.  The hate that was happening between those two was very entertaining in its own right, and I thought the moderator did a good job (even if she had to battle against both candidates at points; she did well).

I was very unhappy (as were many people on my fb feed) when Romney basically attacked single parents in the question about gun laws.  First off...what?  Secondly...wow, don't be so condescending just because some people don't really want to get married.  "IF WE ENCOURAGE MARRIAGE FIRST THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY."  That's basically all I heard.  And it was bullshit.  Also, Romney's discussion of women in the workplace was less than comforting.  Let businesses be flexible with the hours they give women (not really mentioning their salaries) so they could go home and take care of the kids and cook for their husbands!  YEAH.

No.

I would write more about this but I really need to write this paper.

But debate was fun.  Talking with Anisha about it and watching my fb feed blow up with statuses and comments made it even more so.


Also lol "binders full of women."  It also has a tumblr already.  I love the internet.

I should just listen to "A Better Place, A Better Time" over and over again on repeat.

Procrastinator

This post is really just because I'm procrastinating more on my methods homework.  Which honestly is probably not nearly as difficult as I'm making it out to be, but I just stress about everything.  I wanted to talk to my professor before/after my class today, but he wasn't there before, and when I emailed him asking if he was going to be around after, I got a response saying that he wouldn't be around and that I should "just do my best."  I don't really know how to interpret that.

I'm feeling nostalgic, though all that does is make me sad.  I should be working so I could at least distract myself from looking at stupid things on the internet.

Today is one of those days where I want to just sleep and never really wake up.

While I would never do it, I like to daydream about quitting grad school and just raising puppies for the rest of my life.  Again, would never do it, mostly because I realize what I really want to do involves me getting the degree, so I best suck it up.  Though just living alone with a bunch of puppies sounds like a pretty perfect fucking life.

Now listening to Portugal. The Man.  I'm enjoying it so far.

I'm still debating whether or not I should go home this weekend.  I want to, but I don't think I'll have time.


[Edit] - Holy hell this assignment is going nowhere, and I'm pretty sure I'd rather stab myself in the eyes than continue with the absolute pile of shit I am writing.

I just want to sleep.

Talking to myself

When no one is around, I talk to myself.  A lot.  So, when my roommate left, I figured then was a good time for me to talk to myself about the methods homework that I need to do.  I hope that doesn't paint me as crazy, but I find it is easier to brainstorm ideas when I'm talking out loud, even if I'm talking to an empty room in the dark.

Luckily, that shit worked, and I think I have a workable idea for my paper.

My theory is basically going to be that if you have a bicameral legislature with an all-appointed second chamber rather than an elected one, policy will be both easier to pass, and more effective in that it causes greater change in society than with two elected chambers.

It is a theory based in institutionalism, and I really hope that it is original...  My fear is that my professor will look at it, stare at me, and say "...well yeah.  This shit's already been done."  And then fail me.

Bah.  Stressing still.  But at least I have an idea now.

Going to a Walking Dead party at 8:30 until 10.  I could use a study break.

Unknown

My counseling session is this Thursday and I'm already unnecessarily nervous for it.  I don't really know why.  It's obvious that I need to go...honestly counseling is probably something I should have been doing since high school.  I never want to throw around the 'I have depression' card, because I truly do not know if that is the case, and I don't like self-diagnosing.  While I have had episodes throughout my life where I become sad for no reason and at times it has been crippling, I understand that most people probably go through a similar process.  It does not mean that they have depression, similar to how it doesn't mean I have it either.

Though a dominant thought in my mind lately has been "if something really bad happened to me, it wouldn't really be a big deal."

And while this is not the first time that thought has crossed my mind, it is the first time in a while that it has been so obnoxiously loud.  Hence, the counseling appointment.

Because despite how many people I think of who love me...I still don't think it would be a big deal.  And at times that has translated into me hoping something bad would happen to me.  I'd like to think that I wouldn't then make that a reality myself...but the problem is that my deterrence is based on my own dislike of pain and fear of the unknown, not necessarily because I shouldn't.

Again.  Hence the counseling appointment.

I hope this whole thing doesn't come across as super emo.  I wouldn't be surprised if it did, though, considering I have very little to be sad about.  It frustrates me.


I really want to go home this weekend, even if I will have a lot of work to do.  Speaking of, I have a methods assignment due Tuesday and I have no idea what I should write about still.  Plus, I have not touched the papers I need to grade for the undergrads.

Awesome.

Aggravated

When my roommate told me that he was going to be cooking for some potluck thing he was going to yesterday evening, I said that it was alright, "as long as everything got cleaned up."  I went out this morning (after he was already up, I'm sure), and he was around for more than enough time last night, and yet guess what is still in the kitchen?  That's right, a big fucking pile of dishes in the sink.  He's gone, but dishes are still around.

I am so fucking angry.  Plus the fact that there was stuff in the draining board which was not close to clean.  I put that shit back in the sink.

I'm not sure if I should take a passive aggressive or straight up aggressive approach to this.  I could either leave a note right above the sink saying "CLEAN UP YOUR FUCKING SHIT," or I could just go to him and say that exact same line to his face.  Or I could not say anything and just sit here and seethe.  All of these are possibilities.

[Edit] - Said something about the dishes, to which my roommate originally responded with "no, I'll do them later."  And I did not even hesitate really when I countered that the dishes have been there for almost 24 hours and all I asked for yesterday concerning the cooking was that they got cleaned up.  So please do them.  Got his ass in gear.

On a happier note, I went to the apple cider mill in Endicott with people, and it was really awesome.  Their doughtnuts were really yummy, and the cider itself was amazing.  They even had it so that you could watch them making it!  Plus, they had a little farmer's market type thing set up outside, and...so many apples.  And pumpkins!  Lots of pumpkins.  I bought three little ones; they're really cute!  I'll put them somewhere around here.

Did you know they have white, green, and something called 'cheese' pumpkins?  I didn't.  I was sort of bewildered.  In the best of ways.

Also, I bought a chocolate chip cookie.  It's the size of like...a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut.  Score.

Have a lot of work to do this weekend, unfortunately.  Not that that's any different from usual, but still.

I've been looking at Insanity: The Asylum for when I finish Insanity, and I realize I still have a ways to go, and I probably should repeat month 2 before looking at The Asylum, but...I want something new.  But still something familiar, in a way.  It's still a ways off until I get to the point of finishing Insanity, but still.

Parents

My parents are the best.  They'll talk to me for almost 2 hours about anything and everything, and will always listen to me rant about stuff.

My mom is the best girl in my life and my dad is the best guy in my life.  Without a doubt.


I just wanted to spread some love for them.

Hostility

I have become very openly hostile towards my roommate in almost every situation.  Which I really do not care about, since pretty much everything he does annoys the ever loving fuck out of me.  I realize I'm being very mean, but I don't care.

I might need to call my landlord and ask him if there is any way I can get out of this lease before July hits.  Maybe if I find someone else to take my place or something like that, though I realize how incredibly difficult that will most likely be.  And then I'd have to find a new place during the winter and move again, and while I really do not want to do that, I also don't know if I will be able to stand living with him until July.  Ugh.

Plus, that would put a hindrance on my 'get a house with people next year so I can get my doggie' plan.  

My goal tonight is to do all or the vast majority of my reading for IR for Monday.  We'll see if that happens.  I'm really tired, so I would  not be surprised if it didn't.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to an apple cider mill in Endicott with some of the older students.  I'm pretty stoked about that, actually.  Apparently it has really really good doughnuts, too.

I have a lot of work this week.  I wanted to go home, but I really don't have the time.  I might choose to go home next week, instead.

All I want to do is play video games.

VP Debate

Clearly, Joe Biden is a perfect human being.  He has a winning smile and calls out bullshit very clearly when he hears it.  I thought his delivery on just about every issue was really well done, and beyond the delivery, his substance was - from what I know - accurate and convincing.  Paul Ryan just said - similar to what Romney did in the first presidential debate - very wrong things, though I'm glad that Biden (and the moderator on occasion) called him out on.

It was fun watching the debate with two friends after sitting at a bar with them for an hour and a half or so.  I wish we could have played a drinking game, but I have a meeting tomorrow morning for the TAs, and I'm supposed to read and grade three papers by then.  Blah.  I don't want to.

I downloaded Streetlight Manifesto albums today and put them on cds, so I also went to best buy and bought one of those cd binders.  So now I can stop putting them in individual cases.  I'm really fond of a lot of their songs, but Keasbey Nights might be my favourite right now.  It's just really fun and catchy.  Then again, about all of what I've listened to so far sounds absolutely wonderful.  I'm really glad I discovered them (thank you, World/Inferno pandora station)!

I think I'm going to try to hang out and play video games with electrical engineer tomorrow.  Because I want to just play games for a night.

Unenthused

I really don't know what to do in my Wednesday session for the undergrads.  My Monday class has gotten really into discussions as of late, so when the same discussion questions and lesson plan are met with blank stares and bored faces in my Wednesday group, I get very discouraged.  Plus, with all the stress I'm already dealing with, I just become very scatterbrained.  The only thing the Wednesday group seems to care about is what is going to be on the test and not on actually learning the material.

I swear, soon I might just start lecturing them and save discussion for the Monday group.  I really don't want to do that, but I might be forced to.

They did guilt-trip me into going to this presentation today (because if I went and they went, they would get extra credit), which caused me to lose out on time that I really needed for work/exercising, and also a dinner I was invited to after-the-fact.  Luckily, they're doing some apple cider mill thing on Saturday and I was invited to that.

My own comparative class was less than exciting as well; I feel like, after reading three books and two articles, we did not go into as much detail as we should have.  We got sidetracked a few too many times, and so, I was not able to really talk about my own reaction paper, and I kind of wanted to.  It was actually really frustrating.

This week is the week of frustrating classes, apparently.

Also, we were assigned a short essay in methods, also.  Where we pretty much need to come up with our own theory.  Bah.


I really want to visit home.  I was going to this weekend, but then I realized just how much work I have.  If I went home, I would not get any of it done.

Maybe next weekend, instead of having my friend visit here, I'll go down there.

I have no motivation to do any work right now.  That's a problem.

Thank you

Now, normally I wouldn't address an entry to a specific person, especially since this person probably does not read this and therefore will not see it anyway, but I am going to regardless.

Thank you, for talking with me tonight.  For understanding, despite how pathetic I still feel about it all.  ("It" being something that I should probably dedicate another entry to, actually...)  For helping me at least not have more of a mental breakdown than I was already having, and then for just talking with me about random stuff (or listening to me ramble, which probably describes the situation better) so that I could think of something other than that.

I know you said that listening "is what friends do," or something like that.  But, you'll always be more than that to me.  I know right now I can't call you anything too much more, given the status of our relationship as being truly nothing more than friends, but you'll always be something more.  (Which is probably an issue, actually, but I'll say whatever to that right now.)  And I'm sorry for that, and sorry that that also means that I try to not talk to you nearly as much as I want to.  Trust me.  I want to.  But that's a problem.  I hope you understand, and don't find me too pathetic.

Still, though.  Thank you.  I really do mean that.



Unrelated: I am still not finished with the book I'm thinking about critiquing for my reaction paper.  Fuck.

This is dumb and I'm dumb

I interpret things in a certain way.  Things that I'm probably interpreting incorrectly.  Things that honestly are not even my business.

But they still make me want to throw up.  They make me shake.  And they make my heart race in an uncomfortable way while my stomach twists in a hideous knot.

Maybe it is also because of the caffeine that I'm shaking a lot right now.  Then again, maybe it is just because I hate this.

I really do hate wanting to talk every day, but I concede to not.  I don't even message him that often, and I wonder how that makes him feel.  I hate thinking that I'm not special to him anymore.

Because he is to me, more than he should be.  Even if I try to be more distant.  Even when I try to act cold when I'm upset about something.  He is still special to me.

I fucking hate that.


[Edit] - I caved and called.  I'm still freaking out about assignments and stuff, but.  It was nice to talk.

Reaction Paper

Okay, today I need to write my reaction paper for my Comparative class, and it will be the first written assignment I'm handing in to any of my classes.  So obviously I'm freaking out a little and probably over-thinking it, but I want it to be good enough to establish that I at least know what I'm doing...somewhat.  And that I can write well.  Which...I hope I can.

Only problem is that I don't really know what to write; he usually wants us to critique the readings and come up with our own point, but for one I don't really have a critique, because I agreed with a lot of it, and another...I need to go over again because it sort of confused me.  Besides, if our criticism does not change the author's conclusion, then it really does not matter, and we should not even bother with that point of ours.

I was thinking of writing about two of the books and saying how one makes up for the deficiencies of the other...though that requires me to really know what both of them are saying.  One is not that difficult, but the other one is based heavily in economics, so some parts went over my head a little, since I usually stay away from that subject.  But they obviously go together, both talking about the formation of institutions and how we should look at them and why.

Either way, I'll need to figure something out before tomorrow's class.  Actually, I really need to figure it out by tonight, since I am required to send it to everyone, also.

Maybe I'll just stay in my office after office hours until I'm finished with it.  (Though I hope I can find time to work out today with this and other readings I'm supposed to do.)

I'm freaking out a little over it, but I always do for assignments, especially first ones, so that's not surprising.


Also, I'm thinking about getting these Sennheiser headphones because maybe I can ignore certain people better while wearing them.  They're only around $21, too!  So not the best that Sennheiser has to offer (but according to reviews, these are still really good), but I don't need anything super top-quality/professional.


[Edit] - My Seras print came today!  She's such a badass I'm so excited.

Realists

There are an awful lot of realists in my international relations class, so me, being not a realist and much more liberal, can find that a little irritating.  Actually though, I can listen to the aspects of realism without getting very angry (sometimes), but when a realist has leaps in logic that make no actual sense and claim that they're right because of that...I can get pissed off.

And I did in class today.  Actually I stooped to mocking some people.  It was mean, yet fun, in its own way. 

But seriously, their argument centered around the anarchy of the international system and how that causes war.  Except...they never actually argued how anarchy causes war.  It was sort of like the underpants gnomes in South Park.  Except, the realist version goes:

Step 1: Have anarchy.

Step 2: ?????

Step 3: War! 

And to have that be your central argument against the theory of Democratic Peace (which I believe heavily, truth be told), I'm not sorry when I openly call you out on your leaps in logic. 

Ugh.

Class today was so painful. 

Realists.  Realists everywhere.  

[Edit] - Unrelated, but electrical engineer just asked me to go to a showing of Lewis Black with him on the 27th.

fdhkjflhdkl

Why is everything for that stupid day!  I would have loved to go, sob.  So many things, all on one day.  Sob.  

I'm seriously considering

Not going to homecoming.

I want to, sure.  Really badly, even.  But I also want to hang out with the people in my life now, and going to UC for homecoming in favour of staying up here might re-emphasize the fact that I cling to the past too much.  If I go to the Halloween party here instead, I can save time, money, and bond with new friends and all.  Plus, I'll have more time to get things done.

Only problem is that I really want to see UC people.  And I already told some that I was definitely going.  Though that was before this came up...

Another option is to go Friday night/Saturday morning, and leave earlier on Saturday.  That way, I can still get back (albeit late) for party, but also be able to hang out with friends at UC.  Only problem with this option is that I will need to get a ton of work done beforehand, because that will eat up most of my weekend.  And unfortunately, weekends mean lots of work getting done.

Maybe I'll talk to people and see.


I need to do a reaction paper for Comparative this week.  Which is going to be difficult, considering how I'm not even done with the readings yet.  And I'm getting through this book awfully slowly.  Bah.

I'm tired.

Oh, I need to pick up another check.  And I get paid again on Wednesday.  Woo.

Ithaca

At 1 in the afternoon today I headed out so I could get to Ithaca by 2.  There, I met up with McKenna and we just kind of walked around the Commons after eating at a Japanese place and went into shops here and there.  We went into an adult store also, which was actually a lot of fun.  I'm glad most of my friends are at least a little pervy like me, so we can go into places like that and enjoy them.  And the service people were really nice and helpful, also!

Although it was cold, it was still really nice to see her and to just walk around and enjoy the day.  Plus, the city itself is really nice looking.  Having a day where I did something other than just sit in my apartment and read was sweet.  Plus, I like being able to see McKenna more than once a year.  Only getting to see her at Otakon is kind of a bummer.  Hopefully she'll be able to visit me at least once also!

Now I need to write up a lesson plan for tomorrow and try and read some more.

Another one

And by the title I mean another dream of the X-rated variety.

First it started out with me kind of...inviting a bunch of my cohort to one of his friend's house.  This guy and I talked too, but it was the two of them that were the close ones.  Anyway, he surprisingly did not seem to mind, and had a huge pool, and we all hung out and played in the pool and just had a good time.  Then it cut to...idk the next day or that night or something, and I was walking and discussing things with the friend, but I never actually saw his face.  We went into a very dimly lit room, and then I realized that it wasn't the friend at all, it was him.  And upon realizing that, stuff began happening.

Meh.

I want these to stop.  Really badly.  Maybe when I go to see the counselor, I'll tell her about it, or something.


Today, I'm heading up to Ithaca for a few hours to see and hang out with a friend.  I really shouldn't be, with the amount of work I have to do still, but I want to see her.

[Edit] - Got the UC magazine, in which there is a big picture of a certain someone whom I hate and also a whole section dedicated to weddings.  Fantastic!

Welp

I should've gone out tonight.  And gotten really really wasted.

I suppose I could still.  But I should read more.

There's little point to this post.

Taken 2

Maybe the best solution for when I'm feeling sad or anything is to just hang out with friends, because we have the best time when we actually get the chance to do anything.  And that usually makes me feel better.  Now, I wasn't really feeling upset or anything this morning, but after going to the movies with them, I'm feeling more elated than I have all week!

We may or may not do something later; it depends on how I'm feeling (ate too much popcorn at the theatre) and how much work I get done.  I kind of do want to go out maybe to a bar or something, but that will again depend on if this stomachache has passed and everything.

By the way, movie was awesome and fun and Liam Neeson is pretty much a god.  That's all you need to take from this film.  Oh, and since the second one came out four years after the first, we're hoping that if there is a third (which...maybe aha), it'll come out in another four years.  Which means we will be around to see it together again.

I said I want to make them watch The Room and also this one Nick Cage movie I saw in England that was hilarious in its own right.  It'll happen before too long.

Roommate-free weekend has started, also.  Gonna dance around my apartment to some music just because I can.

I am in a really good mood right now.  Please let it stay that way.

LaTex

Since my professor mentioned it, I am now thinking that I should re-install LaTex on my computer, just in case I ever find it easier to write things in there.  (I really am not fond of LaTex, but I am completely aware that it does make writing certain things easier.  Math stuff, definitely, which I may need do to in the future from the looks of this program.)  Though that also means I need to relearn how to use that program, which I don't think should be that difficult.

My roommate is going home this weekend, thank the heavens.  I get the apartment to myself, even if I'm probably just going to be reading most of the weekend.  I might go out tonight to rent Resident Evil 6, if he still wants to play, that is!  If not, then I'll probably just skip it for the time being.

Had a TA meeting to discuss grading, which I am not at all looking forward to.

I'm excited to go to the movies and bar with friends later.

Appointment

So...I made an appointment with the counseling center.  This is something I probably should have done more than a few weeks ago, but...this constant fluctuation of emotions is really starting to bother me, and I'm having more problems concentrating on my readings and everything, at times.

I felt really pathetic, though.  I shouldn't, but.  I did.  I still do.

In other news, if my roommate fucking interrupts me when I'm talking to one of my students again, I'm going to backhand him so hard.  Let me talk to my fucking student, you pompous, arrogant shithead.

Ugh, I'm so mad about that.  Still.  I said something, but I'm still livid about it.

Presidential Debate

My partisanship makes me more than slightly biased when I watch political debates, though I did not think there was a clear victor in this one.  Obviously, Romney speaks better than McCain did back during the '08 election, but overall, his points were vague and uninformative.  Rather than explicitly state what his plans would be if he were to be elected, he just stated what they would do.  "My plan will do x..."  But it is a problem when you do not actually discuss what that plan actually is.

President Obama did not seem to have his greatest debate tonight either, though I have less specific criticisms of him, again, because of my own partisanship.  He did spend a lot of time on the defensive, it seemed, while Romney more on the attack, which I suppose makes sense, with Obama being the incumbent and all.

I do wish that the moderator had more power to cut them off when their times were up or when he wanted to move onto a different topic.  A lot of issues were not discussed (I was particularly interested in discussions concerning Planned Parenthood or abortion or similar topics, none of which came up) because the two candidates were able to run all over the moderator (and yes, both of them did this a lot).  In addition, I would like it if the moderator can call either candidate out on incorrect facts (thus perhaps having fact-checkers with him or her as well).

I'm definitely going to watch the other debates as well.  Hopefully the moderators will be a bit better, at the very least.

"and I don't want old allie.  i kinda like the one i have."

Messages like this from my best friend sent me into sobbing fits, which is...good, in a way.  Because I've been constantly wishing I could be who I once was.  To return to being someone who never wanted to be in a relationship, who focused entirely on her work...  It makes me rethink, at least for a bit, that desire I have, because I'm reminded that I have people who love me now, who have watched me grow and fall and struggle to stand up again.

I still am not feeling well, but...I feel a little better, thanks to her.  I always do, after she and I get to talk.

Sickly

I really hope I'm not getting sick.  All of a sudden, while in class, I started feeling really lightheaded, as if I was going to pass out or something.  Now I need to teach, and I just feel really kind of awful.  When I get home, I think I'll make something for dinner immediately, rather than waiting for me to work out and then eating.  If I feel better afterwards, I'll exercise, and then maybe eat a small salad to recover.  Otherwise, I think I might just skip today and do today's scheduled workout tomorrow (thus skipping the recovery day for this week), as long as I'm feeling a bit better then.

Alternatively, I can just try to push through a workout, but if I feel like I can pass out now, it probably won't be a good idea to do anything super strenuous.

Also, just found out that the department Halloween party is the day of UC's homecoming.  Great.  Now I can either come home early from homecoming, which I don't want to do, in order to go to the party, or I can skip homecoming altogether, which I also don't want to do.  Or, of course, I can just skip the party.  Which is probably what is going to happen, since I'm mentally committed to going to PA that day.

I wish all this department bonding stuff was not happening when I have prior commitments.  It makes me feel left out, even though most everyone is super cool with me.

But still.

[Edit] - Talked with mis padres, and my dad kind of said that I should really try to go to the Halloween party, maybe instead of homecoming.  Because it is more important; I need to bond more with the new people in my life, essentially.  But I already told people I was going to homecoming...

Another option is I just leave really early, and show up at the Halloween party late.  But.  I don't know.  I want to hang out with undergrad friends too, and most stuff happens at night.

I really want to see him, too.  Though he'll probably mostly hang out with his friends and I with mine, so I guess it wouldn't be the same as if he visited me or something like that...

I cling to the past too much.

Scam texts

At 3 in the morning, I received a text - which woke me up - saying that I had won a $1000 best buy gift card and I had to go to a certain website to claim it.  Now, I knew, deep down, that this was a scam, but since I try to do those stupid surveys on the receipts, part of me was like "OH SHIT I WON" in my very sleepy state.  

Like I've said, I'm really stupid when I'm tired. 

Though it would be awfully nice to win something like that.  But I double checked this morning and it is most definitely not true.  Poop. 

Still sleepy, but I should try to stay up, since I need to finish reading a book by class time.  

I feel like I had more to say for this entry, but.  I'm tired.  So I don't remember.  

Bummed

The department party that was supposed to happen on Saturday is now apparently not happening, and I'm actually super bummed about this.  I was really looking forward to going and having fun with everyone, especially since I'm been in such a weird mood lately.  Honestly, I don't have a word to describe it; I guess it has just been all over the place, with me thinking about a specific something and getting nervous/excited about UC's homecoming, and then being stressed with reading and teaching and classes and everything...  I'm not sure.  I've been weird.  Good, in my own right, but...weird.

It might just be natural.  Then again, I might need to go to someone, as I've been saying for months now.  (Though that takes time, which is not on my list of things I have a lot of lately.)

Sitting in office hours now; one girl is already here but I asked her for some time just so that I can finish this aha.  My hours don't start for another five minutes anyway, and I doubt it'll take me that long to even complete this entry.

Some flirting happened via text today.  It was...fun, in its own right.  But also weird, still.  I'm not very good at it, and I'm still cautious over whether or not I should be doing it right now.  Yet, anyway.  Eh, I don't know.  We'll see what happens.

Creepy

When my window is open, and cars pass on a wet road, it sometimes (for reasons unknown to me) sounds like someone is breathing heavily in my room.  Which is creepy as hell.  So in my stupid sleepy state, I interpret it as someone being in my room, and sit up to frantically check to make sure no one is on the floor or anything.  Then, when I start to wake up a little more, I feel incredibly silly.

I am still tired, but I might try to stay up.  Today I'm getting a book I need to read for tomorrow for Comparative; luckily I read all the articles already.  I couldn't get the book until last minute, unfortunately.

Last night I did find the Avengers available for streaming, so I watched that, despite how tired I was.

Friends and I have plans to see Taken 2 on Friday either before or after bar, I think.  Which will be awesome.

The department party is on Saturday, and as of now I don't know what I'm going to bring.  Maybe doughnuts.  Because doughnuts are yummy.

I'm still sleepy.

Sleep

A lack of sleep makes my brain hazy in the morning, which makes me tell my students the wrong thing to assume for a game, thus sort of screwing up their quizzes.  Therefore, I'm just counting this one as extra credit because I fucked up.  (I couldn't fall asleep after Dexter last night, and I had already stayed up late to watch it.  Bah.)

Though now I'll get it right for the class on Wednesday at least.  Plus, the discussion thing seems to be getting better!  (Or I'm just figuring out better discussion questions, I don't know.) 

I'm tired as hell, but I have things to do so I shouldn't go back to my apartment to sleep.  It is tempting though.

Good news, though: secretary told me where to get my checks for my scholarship.  So that means more money.  Huzzah!

[Edit] - I now have around $1300 in checks sitting around.  Which means I can open up a new bank account at a local branch.  Yay money! 

Slow

This download for Dexter is loading slowly; I'm mostly through the episode, but it needs to buffer a little more in order for me to watch the rest.  Wonderful.  This'll take way too fucking long.


I made the mistake of looking back at old facebook posts.  Hah.  What a fucking joke that all was.  Why I decided to do that and thus torture myself a little bit more, I have no goddamn clue.  Maybe I'm a little bit of a masochist, or something.  There's nothing there but a bunch of bullshit for me to stupidly wish to have back in my life.

Obviously, I'm not in the best of moods.  And I'm being bratty.  I know that.

Hopefully this'll pass when I get to sleep.