The exercise thing I went to on Wednesday was excellent and I signed up for that twice a week and am planning on going to the class tonight also.  I did feel so much better when I got home after it, despite my having felt faint for some time during (I'll blame that on the lack of hydration and food beforehand).  It was intense, but in a good way.  Roommate C expressed interest and so he might come with me tonight for a trial class; hopefully that will be okay.  I also got a gym membership since the classes are in the gym, which is good because then on the days I don't go to class, I can just go to the gym.  I didn't go yesterday so I could let my muscles have some rest (I have a bad habit of going too hard right out of the gate when I restart any exercise regimen, and I don't want to do that again).  But I do think that I can get back into this.  Everyone there was also super nice and friendly even when I was needing to rest more and stuff due to my lack of exercising lately.

So, hopefully that will help me, in addition to my eating a little bit better.  Not fantastic, but the addition of the brown rice into my almost everyday menu and eating more whole grain cereal and stuff has helped.  Plus I have been putting spinach in with my rice bowls and it makes it super yummy.  Yay for not always eating crap!


Also had my visit with the psychiatrist yesterday.  He was very nice, and I told him about my history, basically.  Growing up, playing sports, etc., etc.  I spoke a lot about my time and breakup with the ex, since I explained to him that it was the catalyst which caused me to go from being able to handle my problems (or at least think I could handle them) to being unable to function for a long time.  After talking about aspects of our relationship he did say that it fit the mold of an abusive one, and at one point did describe the ex as a borderline sociopath, based on the things I had told him.  To him, at least from just our one session, my views have been shattered from that time, and I know he was very interested in my description of the lack of control I felt over the whole situation.  How I couldn't process my doing everything supposedly perfectly translated into a breakup that horrible.  That I kept trying to blame things on myself, because if I did, then I could at least rationalize it as being in my own control.  But I didn't do anything wrong, really.  Even after recognizing that, I never truly understood what happened.  I explained the things that happened post-breakup, between his specific use of phrases and choice words that would keep me thinking we had something still, and his telling everyone (including my own friends, instead of allowing me to tell them what happened) that our breakup was mutual, and him making me feel like I was going insane and was being irrational the entire time.  And more.

He asked me at one point why I seemed to love the ex so much, even with all this stuff.  I explained my lack of romantic feelings towards almost anyone, and that the ex was the first I took a chance with, which is something I regret entirely.  But I felt that spark with the ex that I didn't feel towards anyone else and it was so overwhelming to me.  Plus, the constant guilt I felt during our time together whenever the ex would bring up his depression and how he wouldn't be able to handle it if I was gone, etc., etc.  It just made me think that I could handle sacrificing things that he could not, and so I would put everything on my shoulders in the attempt to help him.  But that just ended up with me carrying everything, and him not even bothering to try saving what we had.  Instead, he played his stupid fighting games and would spend more time doing that than doing anything with me, and then after breaking up with me, moved on so quickly that I couldn't believe it.  I carried so much for him, only for him to leave me and feel okay enough to start dating others within a month.  It was bullshit, no matter what he has said since.

I didn't go into how I find it grossly unjust and unfair of the world to allow him to have even the appearance of happiness with his job in California and a girlfriend who lives with him.  But I figure I can go into that next time, if the doctor wants.

He was interested in all this, because it sounded to him that the breakup did have a large impact in shaping my views now.  That some of the things I believed were destroyed during that time.  He said that he wants to think about everything and he is going to read my file from when I first started going in order to get more of a sense of everything.  So I'm going to see him in a little less than two weeks for a follow-up.  And we scheduled sessions for the rest of the semester as well.

He did say that things seemed very complicated/complex with me; I guess between ex, my perfectionism and hyper-competitiveness stemming from childhood, my having three sisters (and being 5 when my youngest was born), my having familial history of mental illness, etc., etc.  Which I guess is why he wants to keep seeing me.  He said that we would talk medication more the next time I went.