Left sister's place today so I could get back in time for my class and I already kind of regret it.  What is the point of me being in a dissertation writing class when I don't even know what my topic is going to be?  Also, I'm finding that I'm already feeling weird and awkward (and hence things that shouldn't annoy me because they are innocuous and everything are doing exactly that) and I want to run away again but I can't.

Hopefully, though, I'll feel better in a bit.  I took half a xanax to try and calm myself down before this class started.  I would've taken a whole one but I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and...it makes me sleepy.  I haven't even tested the half yet, so this is somewhat risky, but I started getting anxious on the ride over and it just kept getting worse and...yeah.

I don't want to have to explain why I just up and left for the weekend without responding to anyone's texts.  That I'm so disillusioned with everyone and everything around me that my need to escape became overwhelming.  The fact that I even came back today instead of skipping this and taking another day off (or more, even) is...somewhat surprising, given my mindset.

It sucks; I was okay and everything when I was with sister and at her house, and then almost immediately upon getting back my mood plummeted.  Almost as if I had a nice dream and now I'm back to the cold reality I find myself constantly in.  And I want to surround myself with walls, and just be by myself (and with Callie, of course) because I am tired and I don't want to keep explaining the depth of my apathy, anxiety, aimlessness, and sadness to people, who I don't think truly understand.  (Example - if one more person tells me to just "keep working" and "get through it" in terms of finding a topic and getting the spark and passion back, I am going to lose it.  Because if I could just do that don't you think I would have by now?)

Also my xanax has kind of kicked it.  Gotta try to stay awake.