Friend visited me on Thursday and while it was fantastic and filled with funtimes and lots and lots of Dragon Age, it was only a temporary escape.  Now I'm back to reality (as usual) and staring at the pad of paper on my desk with some words scratched on it, most of which I have written before but still just haven't been able to internalize as "this is definitely what I am going to do."  I'm supposed to have concepts and definitions and assumptions by today, but my apathy and inability to focus on anything of substance have been blocking me from writing anything that I would even be able to pass off as "I tried."

When I have some good days with a friend, one would think that I would come out the other side feeling refreshed and ready to get back to work.  However, that doesn't seem to happen.  Instead, it is, as I said, a temporary escape.  I just return to my bleak reality where I care about little to nothing and longing for that comfort to come back to me.  The desire to run away, to just pick up anything that I find valuable and get out of here without any notice, has been getting stronger and stronger, to the point where I need to consciously tell myself not to do it.  That I sit in the car with the ignition on and wonder if today will be the day I leave for...somewhere.  Anywhere.  Anywhere that would make me feel some semblance of purpose again.  My mind works against me: it tells me that I must stay for x and y reasons, but also tells me that what I am doing (hell, what most people are doing) is completely useless and will never actually help anyone.  That I'm here in this limbo I will never get out of, and that my young desires of intellectual pursuit and helping others have backfired.  Instead of feeling more fulfilled, I seem to find that the more I learn, the emptier I feel.  When you choose to study the worst cesspools of humanity, I suppose that isn't too surprising.

I want to disappear.  I want to run away.  I want this void inside my mind and heart to cease existing.  Truly, I want something that will spark the love of learning and work that I had not too long ago.  It might seem otherwise now, because of my avoidance of work and things that would make me feel anxious.  But I've just been tired.  Once in a while I will have bursts of energy, where I feel like I can do things and get them all done and have a prospectus by the end of the summer, but those are usually short-lived and the space between those bursts has gotten continually longer.

Fictional worlds and characters have been my way to escape without actually disappearing, which is why I think I have clung to them more very recently than I have in some time.  I'm more interested in my Inquisitor's politics than in the politics of the real world.  I'm more interested in whether or not the writers of Supernatural will have the balls to follow-up on all the subtext concerning Dean and Castiel, thus adding to bisexual representation on television.  I'm more interested in analyzing characters from the Legend of Korra, and seeing how they are great examples of awesome ladies in fiction.

Somehow, I'm trying to fit this dependence on fictional worlds into my research, but I will probably be unsuccessful in that.  Despite what people say, my department does not seem very open to the idea of the analysis of fiction, even if you tie it in to the real world (my thinking that having awesome ladies in children's shows decreases implicit bias against women when those children are older, thus giving them more willingness to vote for them, etc., etc.).  Tying reality with fiction and vice-versa just...seems like it would be the best way for me to do something "relevant" while also not wanting to do something drastic to make myself feel like I have a purpose again.

So, I finally, during my session with Nancy, emailed the professor I've been wanting to talk with about things to ask for a meeting.  And I'm feeling really really anxious about her response and everything.

I was told to write out my feelings and validate them while also challenging them so...I'm gonna do that here and stuff I guess.

This professor is an incredibly intelligent person, and I'm afraid her expectations of me are too high, especially given how I have been for the past two semesters.  I find that she often looks to me when dealing with math stuff in classes, and she'll sometimes I think believe that I am more capable than I feel I am.  And I sometimes find her difficult to understand; she words things in a way that I don't always get and when I don't, I don't have the courage to ask her to break things down more.  I'm supposed to be the math person, and I don't like and am afraid of having one of the more methodological and mathematically intelligent people in this department thinking that I actually suck.  Which I feel like I do.

(Challenging these thoughts is harder than this entry will make them seem, aha.)  However, the meeting could actually go really well.  Instead of her being angry with me about not contacting her earlier, she might be glad that I finally took that step I was anxious about taking.  I also need to remember that she has had many more years than I do develop her mathematical skills and expertise; she was, at some point in her earlier life, where I am now.  The fact that she is better than I am in terms of abilities does not mean she is going to think of me as stupid or who can't handle things in the methodological pool.  And my asking questions might be interpreted not as me being unintelligent and unable to handle these sorts of but more that I want to learn and make sure I understand as much as possible so that I can do better.

I have been trained in certain areas of math, and just because I have been somewhat removed from pure mathematics in my time here does not mean that my skills have disappeared.  Rather, they lie dormant, perhaps.  It would make sense, since I haven't needed to use them, and so haven't sharpened those skills in a while.  Being out of practice does not automatically mean I have failed and that I cannot get those skills back.

Right now, yes, I feel like things are going to be terrible.  I'm fidgety and a little shaken but it is okay.  I took a step, and right now, that step is a leap, and should be acknowledged as such.

Things won't be as bad as they seem right now.

Saw psychiatrist today and talked about medication stuff. I might be changing meds to see if they work better.

Tomorrow update. Probably.

Went to Philly for Menzingers on Saturday and while they were awesome and seeing friends was great, the crowd kind of sucked.  This was the first time my band was not the headliner, and it showed, but I guess I got used to the Streetlight and World/Inferno crowds, who are intense but friendly, even during their openers.  Meanwhile, this crowd (Taking Back Sunday being the headliner) was...tame and mean, as my friend said.  Even during their set, the Menzingers' singer mentioned how lame the crowd was being and I felt bad because I know there were fans of them around and wanted to have fun but the TBS people were super annoying and judgmental and made it difficult just by...being stationary and refusing to move a muscle.

We got some things going at some points; I could tell that if the Menzingers was headlining, it would have been better.  Those fans seemed super cool and everything and wanted to have fun.  So next time I see them I'll need to make sure they are the main group.


Still been dealing with the "need to figure things out but am uninterested in practically everything" problem.   And by dealing, I mean "ignoring the problem because it has become too overwhelming for me to address right now."  Part of me is wondering about different ideas but they are through the lens of other things.  Example, I think writing something about queerbaiting in media would be fun, and this is primarily driven by my reading up on the subject within the Supernatural fandom (because holy hell do the spn writers do that and it has become infuriating).

I think media is going to be something that I end up wanting to address.  I just don't know if I will be able to.  Which makes me sad.

Also my plan is to go to Philly tomorrow for the Menzinger's concert and while I originally was going to ask roommate B if he could just watch Callie for the night, I will instead ask roommate C.  Because I think roommate B is watching first year's dog.  Because idk of her magical vag.

I can't even hear her voice?  It just makes me angry and disgusted.

You know what, really more disgusted than anything.

Fuck her.  And the part of him that thinks she is a decent person despite knowing what she does.

The first year I hate is in my house and I want to run out and punch her.  And roommate for bringing her here.

I might have to actually talk with him about I feel about this.

Our cohort had a meeting today with the graduate director of our department to discuss things like dissertation and committees and other official things.  I wouldn't be able to tell you how it all went, unfortunately, because not even 10 minutes in, I found myself spacing and starting to freak out.  All I kept hearing in my head was how much of a failure I was; that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do.  That I have no interest in anything academic.  That my desire to run away or disappear is becoming greater and greater and I'm afraid because that usually leads to more destructive thoughts and those aren't fun at all and getting in the mindset of those constantly bouncing around is super dark and something I felt like I only barely crawled out of and I don't want that dark pit to consume me again. 

So I did what I usually do when these...situations happen: I ran.  I ran to the bathroom to try and calm myself down but in there those thoughts just became overwhelming and I soon found myself sobbing and unable to breathe or think about anything other than my perceived failure and how I'm a disappointment to everyone around me and etc., etc.  And after being unable to truly calm down after...some time, I ran upstairs to see if Nancy was available, rather than choosing to return to the meeting (despite, you know, all of my stuff still being there).  I had to wait a bit, since she was with someone, but since I was shaking and crying and couldn't calm myself, I decided that was better than showing my face downstairs again.  

And so when I got to see her, she was concerned and listened to my word vomiting about how I feel awful and sad about my lack of interest in anything academic (or really, most things, which is why I feel like I cling to my fictional worlds and stories like a child; they not only are my way to escape, but are also one of the only things that interest me anymore).  While I know I want to do stuff with math, that isn't enough; I have no substantive interest to attach to it, and we don't do pure methodological things here.  Besides, even if we did, I'm not confident in my mathematical abilities to actually be successful in that area.  

I also talked about my feeling like a failure to Callie; that her behavioural things are my fault, and that I could have prevented them. 

Also how whenever people talk to me about their work or say how much they "understand" my plight, I want to punch them in the face.  Because no, you don't understand (roommates).  You don't.  You have had at least a general area that you have always been interested in since the beginning: human rights.  Neither of you have swayed from that, really.  You don't understand how much this sucks.  I don't read anything because the idea of doing so is so unbearable and boring, rather than simply because I don't want to read it.  When I start reading anything academic, lately, I find myself continually asking the "what's the point" question.  And not "what's the point of this research?"  No, I'm asking myself what the point of my presence even in this discipline.  What is the point of fucking anything, really.  The job market is shit anyway.  We keep being reminded of how if we don't have x, y, and z, there is no way we will ever be acceptable, and while that might be true, it is kind of awful to keep hearing over and over when you aren't even able to think about ideas for x, y, and z.  And you know that others will have all that and better and that you could be passed over for political reasons or some other bullshit.  The sad thing is that I'm aware of all this being the reality in almost any job.  The only way I could possibly get out of it is if I become self-employed.  

And the "well everywhere is like this" thought is the worst.  My idealistic vision of academia being "above that" so to speak was naive and has been shattered and I was an idiot to believe it would be better.  

I ended up going to Wegman's with friend and she and I nommed and we chatted for a long time, which included my word vomiting to her about some of this stuff.  

When non-mathematicians try to talk about math in non-mathematical terms, I get confused as to what they are talking about.

Blergh.  My math skills need to be bolstered.

Whee just another thing I was once decent at that I now suck at.

In more news about how Allie cares more about her game than work: bought a cheap capture card to try and take screenshots of my inquisitor and Hawke and warden.  Hopefully it will work; I didn't necessarily want it for video capture.  I just wanted a better shot of my guys than I could obtain with taking a picture of my television.


Yesterday, I found myself again partially wishing that Callie and Murray lived separately.  I feel like she has gotten more aggressive and possessive over things and that was probably caused by him constantly stealing stuff from her when they were both younger with little consequences.  Part of me feels bad, but she used to absolutely love other dogs and playing with them.  I thought about if this was just a cause of becoming an adult, but the change has been too dramatic in my eyes.  (Even when I was at the park one time, a trainer told me that Callie was "learning" things from him - how she should respond and play and everything, and that basically his behaviour was causing a negative reaction from her.  I had been trying to separate them, but it is difficult to do so when they are running around.  She seems to play fine when he isn't with her.)

And as much as I love Murray, my love for Callie is much greater (obviously; she is mine and our bond is stronger than anything Murray and I could possibly have), and I hate that she is in an environment where she had to learn bad behaviours in order to have things she wanted and not get play-attacked constantly (she used to play quietly; now when she plays with him she sounds like she is going to kill him sometimes, because hat is how he sounds when playing with her).  And she has picked up some of his shit; whereas she used to be okay with him having something and her having another, she has become almost a hoarder.  Where she does not want him to have anything, basically.  Like how he used to do to her.  She doesn't even like playing with toys anymore, and I can't tell if that is because he always took them from her, or if it is because I didn't play with her enough, or what.  The only thing she seems to still love playing is fetch, and even that I'm afraid of him ruining for her.

I hate that I have put her in that situation, where she felt she needed to do these things.  And really, I think one of the many reasons she loves agility is because it is just her and I doing something, and that he isn't around.  I don't think she would like it as much if he was there with her.  

I had to update my cv today and that was loads of fun.  Being reminded that I did a lot more and accomplished a lot more in undergrad (which probably is still less than what I did in high school) than I have here is just amazing.  It makes my past self start yelling in my head and I know I'm supposed to fight it.  And I try.  It is just hard when I see all these things on my cv and less than a third/fourth of them, probably, are from my graduate career.

Inquisition has been my way to avoid and also has been one of the few things to keep me engaged and excited, which is why I finished it with over 150 hours logged.  And why I'm probably going to get origins so I can go through everything again (I'll have to try to not romance Cullen again in Inquisition; he's so adorbs).

And I'm worrying about everything.  I just recently got my gym membership, and I did it in order to go to the classes.  The people who run the classes are technically separate, but still in the gym so we need that membership.  At first, I was okay.  But I didn't look at reviews of the gym itself because I wanted to do the classes.  And after looking, I've gotten worried that I'm going to have a hard time cancelling down the road and my few interactions with the staff have not been pleasant and I'm already freaking out about that.  Hell, I haven't even gone to the gym since Friday, when I went to the class.

I just keep thinking about how much I suck and how I feel like a huge disappointment to myself and people around me and I just want to disappear.

Going to sleep at normal hours has been difficult the past...week or so.

Also it has been nonstop Dragon Age.  Because I would rather play that more than I should than face listlessness and everything with real work.  Saving a fictional fantasy world is easier than functioning in the real one.

The exercise thing I went to on Wednesday was excellent and I signed up for that twice a week and am planning on going to the class tonight also.  I did feel so much better when I got home after it, despite my having felt faint for some time during (I'll blame that on the lack of hydration and food beforehand).  It was intense, but in a good way.  Roommate C expressed interest and so he might come with me tonight for a trial class; hopefully that will be okay.  I also got a gym membership since the classes are in the gym, which is good because then on the days I don't go to class, I can just go to the gym.  I didn't go yesterday so I could let my muscles have some rest (I have a bad habit of going too hard right out of the gate when I restart any exercise regimen, and I don't want to do that again).  But I do think that I can get back into this.  Everyone there was also super nice and friendly even when I was needing to rest more and stuff due to my lack of exercising lately.

So, hopefully that will help me, in addition to my eating a little bit better.  Not fantastic, but the addition of the brown rice into my almost everyday menu and eating more whole grain cereal and stuff has helped.  Plus I have been putting spinach in with my rice bowls and it makes it super yummy.  Yay for not always eating crap!


Also had my visit with the psychiatrist yesterday.  He was very nice, and I told him about my history, basically.  Growing up, playing sports, etc., etc.  I spoke a lot about my time and breakup with the ex, since I explained to him that it was the catalyst which caused me to go from being able to handle my problems (or at least think I could handle them) to being unable to function for a long time.  After talking about aspects of our relationship he did say that it fit the mold of an abusive one, and at one point did describe the ex as a borderline sociopath, based on the things I had told him.  To him, at least from just our one session, my views have been shattered from that time, and I know he was very interested in my description of the lack of control I felt over the whole situation.  How I couldn't process my doing everything supposedly perfectly translated into a breakup that horrible.  That I kept trying to blame things on myself, because if I did, then I could at least rationalize it as being in my own control.  But I didn't do anything wrong, really.  Even after recognizing that, I never truly understood what happened.  I explained the things that happened post-breakup, between his specific use of phrases and choice words that would keep me thinking we had something still, and his telling everyone (including my own friends, instead of allowing me to tell them what happened) that our breakup was mutual, and him making me feel like I was going insane and was being irrational the entire time.  And more.

He asked me at one point why I seemed to love the ex so much, even with all this stuff.  I explained my lack of romantic feelings towards almost anyone, and that the ex was the first I took a chance with, which is something I regret entirely.  But I felt that spark with the ex that I didn't feel towards anyone else and it was so overwhelming to me.  Plus, the constant guilt I felt during our time together whenever the ex would bring up his depression and how he wouldn't be able to handle it if I was gone, etc., etc.  It just made me think that I could handle sacrificing things that he could not, and so I would put everything on my shoulders in the attempt to help him.  But that just ended up with me carrying everything, and him not even bothering to try saving what we had.  Instead, he played his stupid fighting games and would spend more time doing that than doing anything with me, and then after breaking up with me, moved on so quickly that I couldn't believe it.  I carried so much for him, only for him to leave me and feel okay enough to start dating others within a month.  It was bullshit, no matter what he has said since.

I didn't go into how I find it grossly unjust and unfair of the world to allow him to have even the appearance of happiness with his job in California and a girlfriend who lives with him.  But I figure I can go into that next time, if the doctor wants.

He was interested in all this, because it sounded to him that the breakup did have a large impact in shaping my views now.  That some of the things I believed were destroyed during that time.  He said that he wants to think about everything and he is going to read my file from when I first started going in order to get more of a sense of everything.  So I'm going to see him in a little less than two weeks for a follow-up.  And we scheduled sessions for the rest of the semester as well.

He did say that things seemed very complicated/complex with me; I guess between ex, my perfectionism and hyper-competitiveness stemming from childhood, my having three sisters (and being 5 when my youngest was born), my having familial history of mental illness, etc., etc.  Which I guess is why he wants to keep seeing me.  He said that we would talk medication more the next time I went.

Room update. It's looking good. I'm gonna have to use more of the ceiling and door pretty soon.

I woke up today at around 8:15, so that I could go to the class I'm sitting in on at 9:40.  However, I woke up feeling not only extremely tired still, but just...emotionally bad.  Like a "what is the point of anything" sort of bad and I just fell back asleep until 11.  And then when I finally woke up I guess I was so out of it in terms of processing things that when roommate B basically asked me to move my car (but did so in a roundabout way, like "oh I didn't want to have to move your car...") I didn't even interpret this as a "please move your car."  I just kind of stared at him and then left with Callie for our morning walk.  Only while I was walking did I think "oh, he probably wanted me to move my car," and then when I got back I did but I guess he left with roommate C since neither one of them were here.  And then I felt bad.

I'm trying to stay excited about my trial class later today but right now the fear and anxiety is kind of overpowering that.  I was awkward as fuck over the phone so they probably think I'm already weird as shit, and then I'm going to have to go and exercise with people who have been doing it for a long time and fhdskjfhdsj.  I'm trying to push all those thoughts out since I know, theoretically anyway, that nothing bad is going to happen, even if those fears come true (which I have been told is that they will not).  But they are just...loud.  And then there is the voice which is saying "you don't feel well anyway; maybe you should call and say you got sick and postpone this," which...I know is just my anxiety trying to figure out ways to get out of it, even though it is legitimately something I know I want to do and was excited about yesterday.

And I have two more assignments to grade and I just don't want to because they will probably suck still and it makes me feel like I'm an awful TA and should never have been chosen to do this.  

Finally got in touch with the gym I want to go to and I will be attending a trial class tomorrow and I am more nervous about it than I probably should be but...that's just how I am I guess.  I did ask the guy about the intensity - as I have been out of the game, so to speak, for a while - and he told me it is a 'go at your own pace' sort of thing, so that is good.  Hopefully I will end up really liking it and it will be something good for me to do and it will help me feel a bit better about some things.  Plus being in shape is something I do miss; it is just...the idea of restarting an exercise routine has repeatedly been met with a "why bother" in my head and these fears about being incompetent and all that fun stuff. 

The mistakes that the first years are making on these homeworks are so frustrating, because they are ridiculous.  If your stata graph and R graph do not look similar for the same question, there is probably something incorrect in at least one of their codes. 

vague

Next time, don't insult my intelligence.

So much Dragon Age. Holy hell. It is awesome.

Do I need to sleep, really?

My rediscovery of my enjoyment of pure mathematics has me feeling somewhat better in terms of finding an interest for my work and everything.  I know it might be a small step, but at the same time it seems like a huge one since I've been so apathetic about everything as of late.  I feel like I haven't been moving at all, and so even a step like this seems enormous for me.

It also made me think, and one of the profs that I told this to expressed a similar sentiment: that maybe I've been kind of going about this in a way that isn't the most optimal for me.  That I've been trying to force myself into liking a particular substantive topic, which...just makes me uninterested about all of them or at least be unable to differentiate between the ones I honestly like and which I don't.  Instead, finding the method that I really want to use first, rather than second, might be the gateway into discovering something substantive that I can explain through that method.  And while I don't dislike statistics and I know of its importance in the future of the discipline, I am sure that I want to tackle the problems from a mathematical/theoretical standpoint first.

So...I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than usual.  Hopefully this high will last for some time.


Also, I finally emailed a place about trying to get some trial sessions in for kickboxing/boxing/mma/etc.  I kind of wish that I told them to email me rather than call me, because of my weird anxiety about talking to people I really don't know over the phone.  But emailing is also a step towards doing something for me that I have been wanting to do but haven't.  I explained my past history with teammates in soccer to Nancy recently, where I always was the outsider/outcast and while I claimed I didn't care, I did, as I guess many high school students do.  I refused to mold myself to fit in with the rest of them, but it bothered me that they couldn't just accept me for how I was and what I enjoyed outside of soccer.  Remembering back, I remember actually being nervous about going to practices, and while in practices, worrying about what we would do, because certain drills made me feel more self-conscious and...I guess anxious, if I'm truly being honest and recognizing that I've had the problems I have now for more than just my time in grad school.  I would not want to go to practices because it was a reminder that even if I'm a overall nice person, I'll be scorned if I'm not the best player while being the best scholar and having interests that differed from the rest of the people on the team.  I wasn't bad, really.  At the time I think I thought I was worse than I actually was.  But I didn't live and breathe soccer, so I didn't play year-round, and thus I wasn't as good as the people who did.  I just felt like I was terrible, even when I was starting.  In practices I felt the judgment and anxiety more than I did on game days, where all those concerns and anxious feelings went away once the whistle blew.  Then I was just a competitor playing a sport she enjoyed.  You would think I'd be more anxious in games than practice, but it was always the opposite.

So, I guess having had those dormant feelings of anxiety and sadness over being the outcast in a sport that was all about the importance of being on a team has made me avoid any kind of physical activity with others.  I feel weird about people watching me if I work out, and that I should have some level of expertise even as a beginner when trying new things.  Hopefully I will be able to suppress that feeling while at these trial sessions.  I'd like to do stuff without the anxiety.


I've also been advised to maybe talk to roommate B about how I feel in terms of that first year chick.  Not in an aggressive way, but more in a "I'm concerned and you can do so much better" kind of way.  I still don't like the idea that he knows full well of her actions in terms of her bf and the fifth year she screwed over, but I also can't stop him or anything.  And nothing I say should be "you need to stop this or you have to do this," because...well, that isn't right.  It would just be me kind of putting out there that I really don't approve and think that she is beneath him.

I'm not sure if and when I'll be able to have this conversation.  I approach roommate B with different tactics than some of my other friends; best friend and I will just spit out exactly what we think of the people the other is interested in.  She constantly told me how much the ex basically sucked and was a liar and all that, and I told her while she was doing this weird dance with some dude for a few years that I didn't like him and that he sucked and all that.  I find it harder to do that with roommate B.  But maybe it is also that best friend and I have 20 years of friendship backing us up.  I don't know.

I had to also tell people that this was not coming from a romantic jealousy standpoint.  Apparently it looked that way to a friend and I know Nancy asked me about it after I mentioned what said friend expressed.  My being so affected by his actions, I guess, led friend to that conclusion.  But I explained that I have never felt that romantic spark with him; he's always been a brother-type figure to me.  That spark is so rare for me and it isn't as though I have been looking for any sort of romantic comfort in the past...I guess year, maybe.  Plus I think the meds I'm on stabilize any sort of drive like that.  Which is okay, because that isn't my main concern at the moment.

My being affected is more my being concerned for him and believing that he will end up hurt over this, if he becomes emotionally invested in her.  It also is my being worried that he doesn't think he can do better, when he very clearly can.  And, honestly, it also comes from a fear of mine: that I misjudged a friend, which is something I've done many times in the past and it always ends up sucking and making me feel sad and stupid.  I don't want that to have come true again.


My Inquisitor had to break up with Blackwall.  Shit went down and it was ugly.  But now I can romance Cullen, whee.

Late to bed and early to rise has been me for the past few days, which is kind of taking its toll on me.

Today, I woke up I think about 6:30 after not getting to bed until after 1, because I find I can't sleep before midnight, most of the time.  I don't really know why I have been waking up so early, but it is annoying.  And therefore I am trying my best to pay attention but am having a somewhat hard time while trying to fight my urge to close my eyes.

However, I am finding that I am somewhat interested in something that has been going on.  Unfortunately, it isn't necessarily the actual substantive arguments, but more the math behind them.  Just the last hour of this class alone has made me realize how far removed from mathematics that I have been, as I've gotten more careless with respect to assumptions made and not realizing the true definitions or propositions of the things I use.  Which, when thinking about it, I don't really like.  For example, I like knowing the true definition of a derivative, despite my being aware of the shortcuts on how to calculate them.

But looking at the math that the authors are doing as well as listening to my professor talk about it actually is having an effect on me, which...is kind of a big deal actually.  The interest isn't in the substance as much, so I'm still lost on a topic, but I think for certain I want some non-statistical mathematics involved in whatever I choose to do.  I was debating, because I was afraid of being too far removed from the subject and the skills I used to have, but...now I can say that I'm certain I want it in there, regardless of my current skill level.


Yesterday I meant to get a lot of work done but then roommate B and I put ATLA on and all my productivity went out the window.

Made me think of past stuff.

But I wasn't really sad sad about it.  It was more of a 'huh'-type reaction.

Left sister's place today so I could get back in time for my class and I already kind of regret it.  What is the point of me being in a dissertation writing class when I don't even know what my topic is going to be?  Also, I'm finding that I'm already feeling weird and awkward (and hence things that shouldn't annoy me because they are innocuous and everything are doing exactly that) and I want to run away again but I can't.

Hopefully, though, I'll feel better in a bit.  I took half a xanax to try and calm myself down before this class started.  I would've taken a whole one but I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and...it makes me sleepy.  I haven't even tested the half yet, so this is somewhat risky, but I started getting anxious on the ride over and it just kept getting worse and...yeah.

I don't want to have to explain why I just up and left for the weekend without responding to anyone's texts.  That I'm so disillusioned with everyone and everything around me that my need to escape became overwhelming.  The fact that I even came back today instead of skipping this and taking another day off (or more, even) is...somewhat surprising, given my mindset.

It sucks; I was okay and everything when I was with sister and at her house, and then almost immediately upon getting back my mood plummeted.  Almost as if I had a nice dream and now I'm back to the cold reality I find myself constantly in.  And I want to surround myself with walls, and just be by myself (and with Callie, of course) because I am tired and I don't want to keep explaining the depth of my apathy, anxiety, aimlessness, and sadness to people, who I don't think truly understand.  (Example - if one more person tells me to just "keep working" and "get through it" in terms of finding a topic and getting the spark and passion back, I am going to lose it.  Because if I could just do that don't you think I would have by now?)

Also my xanax has kind of kicked it.  Gotta try to stay awake.