There was a cutie working at five guys who talked to me about video games and I should've stayed longer.

Guess I will just have to go to five guys more often. No complaints.

I've decided that this year I want to participate in Misha Collins' GISHWES in August.  From what I have heard, not only is it a lot of fun, but it is the kind of thing that allows you to be weird and embrace that weirdness in public and I think I could use something like that after this academic year.

Plus, well...the winning team gets a vacation with Misha and while winning is a long shot, it is also something I can think about to force myself to go do some of these things that I would otherwise avoid.  I would love to meet him; he is one of my favourite celebrities, and truthfully I don't have many of those?  I mean, I have people I really enjoy, but Misha is inspiring to me.

I know, I am a dork.  I can't help it.


I haven't put in my request for leave just yet, mostly because I need to write a description of why I am requesting it, and...I'm not exactly sure in how much depth I could go.  What is the right balance?  I don't want to downplay everything in fear of my request getting rejected but I also don't know if I should go into all this other stuff.  Right now my rough copy talks about a bunch of things, and I made sure to mention the mental breakdowns I have had, specifically citing the one that happened in workshop in front of the faculty and my peers.  I went into how I've skipped class because I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and go, and how my anxiety is making it nearly impossible to go talk to some of the professors that I need to speak with.

And I talked about some other stuff.  Specifically I mentioned the suicidal ideation, but I'm not...sure if I should?  I don't know.  I mean, it is accurate.

Bah, I just went into how I can't think about anything and I can't bring myself to do everything because I am disillusioned as fuck and find little joy in most things (hence, once again, why I become overly attached to fictional stuff).

I'm probably making this harder than it needs to be.

Finally decided to apply for a medical leave for next semester. 

I think it is for the best.  I'm actually pleased with this decision.

Had a discussion with one of the profs I'm close with before (he came to me because, as he said, I won't talk to him unless he comes and gets me himself; something I attribute to my fear of talking to people and disappointing them and everything).  He wanted to know how I was doing and everything, and he was a bit sad when I told him the inevitable, "eh, not great."

He talked to me about the importance of having something that I'm interested in, and understands the difficulty in being where I am and being unsure of what to do.  And that having too much or too little to do results in stagnation, to which I agreed.  In a way, I've had both too much and too little to do.  Too much in theory; too little in practice.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.

The idea of my taking a medical leave of absence was again brought up, and I won't lie, it is becoming more and more of an attractive option.  I just get worried about this idea of falling behind, but...at the same time, having a semester off could also give me some time to catch up on things and sort some shit out.

Also, I would need to think about a source of income for that time period.

Woke up with a horrible headache and a desire to just go back to sleep for the remainder of the day.

Despite, you know, not doing anything productive yesterday.

It was weird; not only did I do nothing productive, but I couldn't even really think of something productive to do.  I'm so far behind and so far gone in terms of knowing what to do with my life that anything that I can't even think of real ways to get that back on track.  Plus I keep thinking about what I talked about with psychiatrist in terms of whether or not being this miserable is worth the end product of the doctorate.

Man, I said I was going to return to regular posts here when I came back from LI, but I've been distracted thanks to my renewed interest in Supernatural.  Tumblr has kind of grabbed hold of me thanks to it.

I saw my psychiatrist again and from the things I've been telling him, he told me that he gets this sense that I feel as though I am in a caretaker role, in a way.  That I feel as though my own feelings do not matter and always come second to what everyone else wants.  I discussed how my eldest sister blamed me for my youngest sister not doing as well in her last semester of high school because she "had to listen to me cry every night" since it was the semester the ex broke up with me.  I explained how during my relationship I always pushed my own desires away so I could try and make him happy.  I recalled how, in high school, someone who once was my best friend got extremely upset with me because I wasn't being supportive enough of her, or showing her enough love, or something to that nature.  He asked me why I, even when I have valid points against others, don't always speak up.  Why I am not more selfish sometimes.  I feel guilty when I do.  It is a reflex.  I feel like a terrible person when I make someone sad or disappointed because I did something that I wanted.

Despite my not having said that I see myself as a caretaker, those things made him point it out, despite my being conscious of it.  Then he asked me again about my career, feeling as though this idea that my own desires don't matter is a theme throughout my life (really, going back to spn for a second, because I've been obsessed, I identify the most with Castiel for this particular reason).  He asked me if what I'm doing is because I don't know what else I would do at this point in my life.  He pointed out that I'm clearly not happy here and not happy at this point in time.

What do I want to do?  What do I like anymore?  It is hard to say.

I like fantasy worlds and fiction.  I like video games and the creation of beautiful places we can escape to.  But I also like mathematics and logical realities.  I like analyzing things that people normally aren't interested in looking closely at.  I like doing things that are different from others.

But I am afraid, at the same time.  People will claim they want you to be unique.  To be different and special and all that stuff.  They're lying, though.  When you start to do those things, they will fight against you and block you at every opportunity, and after a while, you're left a shell who no longer wishes to fight back because you're too tired.

And then you get to a point where you don't know what you want anymore.  Because is it something you want, or is it something that you think others want from you? 

The first few days back at Bing have been largely uneventful, though I am realizing that it is just a return to the mundane.

I'm not sure, but lately I've been having this thought about my future: I want to do something that impacts people.  Something that will make people happy.  I'm not entirely sure if academia is where I will be able to realize that.  Sure, there is the teaching aspect, but even that I'm not finding very fulfilling anymore.

The idea of writing a story and creating a fictional world has always been in the back of my mind.  Unfortunately, I have never thought my creative writing skills to be up to par (in comparison to my more formal essay-like writing style when doing something seriously), and I was always afraid of staring something and never having the drive or willpower to finish it.  Plus the fear that even if I did finish it, it would never get published and would never be read.

I guess fear continues to halt me at every possible turn I could make.

Maybe that is part of the reason I want to incorporate fiction into my dissertation?  Or it is just that fictional worlds have always fascinated me.  They are...cleaner, in a way, than the real world.  And it is always nice to daydream about having magical powers or something like it.

Back in Bing.  Was late for class.  But that is okay, I guess.  It isn't like I did anything for this class anyway.

Boo.

(This means I will probably return to regular updating now after my LI hiatus.)

Also it is 75 degrees and I do not approve.  It is too fucking hot for this time of year and I dislike.

What I've been spending my days doing.

I forget how much I love puzzles. They relax me. Perhaps I will add them into my routine to de-stress when needed.

This is just the first layer. Then 3d stuff.

"I just want you guys to be happy and find someone who is as good as your father."

My parents are adorable.


My mom and I did have a conversation today about the ex and how my outlook on things has changed since then (I said something about how grad school destroyed a certain part of me, to which my mom replied that she didn't think it was grad school that did it, hence why this was brought up).  This might have been the first time we have talked about it where I did not get really anxious or annoyed or wanting to stop.  It felt like I was able to maybe express some things I never really got across, which was good.

I explained that while I know now that I was good to him (she basically replied "damn straight" which pleased me), the whole thing had a profound impact on me.  That I don't like to be around people that much anymore, and I honestly prefer the company of dogs than I do people.  She said she thinks I beat myself up too much about it and asked if there are unresolved feelings.  I admitted that there probably are, but at the same time things have subsided in that I don't really think about him much anymore.  My focus has turned to work, though even that is terribly stressful and everything and thought patterns bleed into different areas of life.  I do wonder if that subsiding is more just the passage of time than anything else.  It probably also has a lot to do with my sessions with Nancy, which makes me much more self-aware of my destructive thoughts and unhealthy patterns.  But I don't have the dreams anymore either.

I know it had a significant impact; one that affects me still.  But it is better now than it once was.

(This was going to be longer but then I got sleepy.)

I don't think I've ever gone this long without updating in here (with the exception of when I'm away and unable to access the internet).

I'm home on the Island, which I am very grateful for.  I do feel better when I'm here, at least for the first few days before some existential crisis hits me or something idk.  But still, it is better being here than in Bing.

Though something awesome has happened!  My friend who always helps me with my Ota cosplays and everything is probably going to move in with us!  Roommates C and J are planning on moving to Ithaca to be closer to J's new job location, and my friend has been wanting to find someplace cheaper than where she is now.  Her rent here would be around half of what she is paying now, and if she switches her insurance to Bing, that will go down significantly as well.

I'm excited to live with her.  It will be awesome also just to live with another woman, which I haven't had the pleasure of doing since undergrad.