For a while I was excited to see everyone over Thanksgiving.

But in the end I actually think it would have been better if I hadn't seen them.  I don't mean for that to sound heartless, but maybe that's what I've become.  I don't know.

I feel little connection with anyone or anything anymore.  I feel...isolated, even when around friends and family.

Hell...even my mom - although I know she was joking so I bear no ill will towards her...I guess it just kind of opened my eyes as to my own uselessness and disconnect - said that Callie would be alright being here without me.  Like, if I left, she would be fine.  She'd be sad for a day but she'd get over it and be happy with my parents without me.

For the past few days, bad thoughts and everything have crept back up into the corners of my mind.  Like...now knowing that Callie would be fine without me, I sometimes wonder what keeps me tethered, besides my own fears?

It's sad that I should say the love I have for my family, but in reality, they'd probably be better off without me.  I just feel like I'm a burden on them.  My viewpoints clash, I have no idea what I want to do in my life, and I'm so disconnected that I sometimes feel like I'm talking with strangers.  Less so with my parents and younger sister, truthfully.  But still.

It's sad that wanting to see the third Captain America movie overrides most other things in the "list of reasons Allie shouldn't do anything her mind tells her might be a good idea."

I started using the Zombies, Run! app and it is awesome.

I originally intended to just walk the first mission, to see what it was like, but after the radio tower guy was like "THERE ARE ZOMBIES YOU HAVE TO RUN," I just started running.  Not very fast, and the whole mission was a combination of walking and running (with Callie), but the fact that it got me to actually run and everything for the first time in a while is kind of a big deal.

I might invest in the premium version because it was really sweet.

Like at the end I was walking and they were like "one of the zombies - the previous runner 5 - is chasing you really fast, you need to not get caught!" and I started running again despite how I was feeling and stuff.

I already want to go on another run to get more supplies for my base.

While talking with best friend today (whom I was super pleased to see and hang with and I'm so excite she's back in town for a week) about things that we might want to do with our lives, I again brought up fiction writing, only I decided to put it in some sort of...perspective, if that makes any sense for what I'm about to say.

I asked her if, after she say, reads a book or watches a show or movie, if she leaves then thinking about what could have been done or what could be done in that story.  For example, creating characters of the top of your head and generating small/large (depending on the depth of the character) backstories for them and what role they would place in the story.  More specific example - after watching the How to Get Away with Murder winter finale recently, I thought up this prosecutor as the next rival, and developed this whole persona for her and who she would get along with and why and all these other things.  I also think of places I would like the story to go in terms of the characters already established and try to come up with scenarios I think would be really interesting and unique to the story.

It was something that I thought everyone did; come up with their own world and characters and whatnot.  I've gotten lost in my own head thinking about these sorts of things after watching anything I find remotely engaging.

But she looked at me and just said that she has never done something like that before.

I might ask other people if it is something they tend to do.

Looking at pics of myself from 2 years ago and it just makes me feel gross with how I see myself now.

./rolls around in low self-esteem and terrible body image issues.

Wheee.

(I try to remind myself that I got my thinnest at a bad time for me mentally but I'm still like.  Idk.  And lately I've felt like working out doesn't do anything even though it probably would if I stuck to it more regularly but.  Yeah.)

Wanna know what I did today?

Absolutely nothing.

I laid around in bed and did nothing.

I feel like a sack of shit.

And it isn't even like I wanted to do nothing.  I just felt like...uninterested in everything I thought about doing.

(Good news is that yesterday I finally wrote the chapter for my fic that I've been having trouble with for around a month now; now I only have one more chapter to do and then that will be done!)

So I almost got in a fight at the dog park today!

Callie and this other dog got into a dispute; I don't know how it started but I think it was over a ball or something.  She ended up basically winning that dispute.  She wasn't trying to hurt this other dog, but it was a dominance assertion thing, which can look and sound messier than it actually is.  Yes, I would prefer she didn't do something like that but they're dogs, and disputes occur.

So they got separated, and the other dog's owner ran over to Callie and hit her in the face while calling her a bitch and I flipped out.  I yelled at him and told him not to ever hit her and he was like "you have an aggressive dog, read the rules!"  To which I replied that he needed to learn dog language because disputes occur and shit and he kept just repeating "screw you" to me.  Of course I said again that he better not dare hit her again (while I did not threaten physical violence on my part, my tone certainly did), and when he responded again with "screw you" I yelled back "fuck you" in a very loud voice.

He was an older man, bigger than me, but I would not have held anything back if he tried to strike Callie again.

Ugh.

Why do I even engage with other human beings.  They're awful.

The past few days have been hectic but filled with good music so I suppose it is alright.

Distant Worlds was amazing, though I sadly missed pretty much the first half because of course work actually kept me until five.  Yep.  I called that that was going to happen.  The only day I've had to stay until five for what...two, three weeks?  But most of what I really wanted to hear was in the second half so that was good at least.  And what I did catch was beyond unbelievable and hfdskjf I want to go to another one because it was just so enjoyable.

And Hallowmas was epic.  Not as good as the first one I went to two years ago, but that was then they were releasing This Packed Funeral and so the whole thing was themed like a funeral and it was amazing.  That sort of theme wasn't around this year but there were still blow up pumpkins and fake blood and a whole fuckton of confetti and glitter.  A ton got all over me and I spent a good amount of time trying to fish it out of my cleavage because it was actually hurting me a little.  Like...scratching.  It was annoying.

(There were some guys walking around with signs for some reason and they pulled out one that said "Be nice to your ex" and I yelled "NO, THAT ADVICE SUCKS" at them (or something to that effect anyway), thinking they wouldn't be able to hear me over everything but they definitely both turned in my direction.  Oops.)

Saw an undergrad friend there with his buddy, who was really fun and stuff!

And then today was a ton of traveling and headaches.  But, Callie is now back home with me!  I missed her.


Recently I had a convo which involved the other person saying that around her senior year of high school was when she learned to start really loving herself for all that she was and has been, even though she had never really disliked herself...and I kind of was stunned because I still, to this day, don't know what that feels like.