Thank god my work assignment is only temporary.  Everyone is really nice, yes, but holy fuck is it boring.  I guess I should have expected that when I applied for data entry but still.

Heading to NYCC in two weeks now?  That'll be exciting.


I've stopped taking the abilify for a few days now.  I feel like the added stress of the weight gain was offsetting any good effects I was receiving from it.  Maybe not the best idea, especially since I'm not in a position where I can talk to a doctor or Nancy or anything, but I've been freaking out so much over it that I feel just awful and everything, and no matter what I do to try and minimize it, it doesn't seem to work.

We'll see what happens.

Ex related dream for some reason.

Friend of mine was staying at my parents' house and invited him over. I found out and proceeded to almost choke the life out of the ex. But stopped at the last minute. Told parents who said they knew and then I was mad and went on a drinking binge alone.

Maybe will type more later. Super sleepy right now.

Wrote this at like...7 but blogger didn't post it. Why.

At work.

Despite my having money issues, there are four events coming up that I'm thinking about going to.

First, NYCC - My sister is in line for tickets and she wants me to go.  And I'd like to go and I'll be working so I think that's locked up.

Then, the 29th-31st there are three concerts: the first is actually the Distant Worlds concert in Rochester (orchestral pieces of final fantasy music) and I've wanted to see this ever since I heard of it a long time ago.  And it is in a place not too far away from me now.  Then I was thinking about the Streetlight concert in Jersey on the 30th, and then Hallowmas on the 31st.

I shouldn't be doing these things I should be saving money.

But.  I'm tired of doing nothing.

Why does it cost money to do fun stuff.

Nothing fits me anymore and this is so incredibly frustrating.

Like.  I know why; my thighs and ass are bigger from mma and everything and even though I'm constantly worrying about how I look, my parents and sister said I look fine and that it is muscle rather than fat and stuff and so I should be happy but.

Nothing fits me, basically.  Like, except my shorts and workout clothes, which I can't wear to work on Monday.

And I don't have a lot of money to go spend on a new wardrobe.  I might have to, though.

I have so many size 2s and 0s and I have no idea what to even do with those now.

I can't believe how much bigger I've gotten and I kind of hate it and yet enjoy the strength that comes with it.  But I have nothing, basically, to wear for this week coming up, since I can't wear my workout pants (despite them looking nice).


I keep telling myself I'll go to the gym on the days I don't have class and I still haven't done that because I'm a lazy sack of shit.

You know, I never was one for going out and doing things, but...I did things sometimes.

I hung out with people at times.  And I had work ethic and drive.  I thrived in learning and enjoyed exploring new things.

Depression and graduate school have together destroyed that over the past few years.

I mean, I will say that I had depression long before I recognized it for what it was.  But it was more under control, and I guess I wasn't in an environment that was toxic.

Then again, maybe I'm painting things with rose-tinted glasses because the present is just...not so good for me.

With almost 90 hours on it, I finally finished Bravely Default.

And I want Bravely Second.

So I went to get some things done today for my temporary data entry position and I'm already regretting it, not going to lie.  The place where I have to work looks...gray.  And dull.  And I felt like I was about to panic with all the rules they were giving me on top of looking at how the work stations are set up and if I'm not allowed to have music playing while trying to do this I'm going to be absolutely miserable.

I don't know what I want, but I already know that it isn't this sort of office environment.  I don't even need to start to recognize that.

I'm back to wishing I could just disappear.  I have no idea what I want to do or what makes me happy anymore.  I had a brief time of happiness when I was home and then it went away.

I have another tutoring session tomorrow for which I feel completely unprepared for, despite that I prepped and all.

Today I was able to talk with Nancy.  I explained my mood lately, and how it has dropped significantly since I've returned to Bing, and how I really kind of want to go home to Long Island because I felt happier there.  (Really, I kind of want to take a trip down to PA, now that I'm thinking about it.)  We talked about how I hate this idea that I need to do one thing with my life, and how I'm having trouble trying to figure out what that one thing is.  Is it writing?  Is it academia?  Is it something I'm completely unaware of at the moment?  I'm not sure.

Despite her telling me that I don't need to do just one thing - because job doesn't have to be everything, which I suppose is true - I've just felt very...lost.  Like I'm listless.  I'm afraid to call back the place where I applied to be a data entry clerk temporarily because a) I'm afraid they'll reject me, and b) I'm afraid they'll hire me.  I want and need money, yes, but...I know I'll hate doing that and I am afraid of that.

We talked about my puppy cafe idea, and my possibly starting up my own business.  That could be something I research on the side, we discussed.  That there are plenty of places that would help me with something like that.  I said that although the idea sounds awesome in my head, I'm terrified of the risk it would take.


I'm also thinking about sending off one of my papers as is to a journal; it probably needs some tune up but I've been so far removed from it that I'm not sure if I really care.  I think I care more about just trying to get something out there.

I hate not being able to talk with Nancy.  This is the worst.

Instead of telling people that I'm telling with a depression relapse, I just say I'm not feeling well.  Which technically isn't lying but also isn't exactly telling the truth either.

I tutored someone from UCLA today in Stata.  I hope I did at least a semi-decent job.

Also I've been sad today.  Like, listless and I just kind of want to lay down and do nothing but I also want something to do.  I've had a headache and so I didn't do to mma today.

Everything just feels pointless right now?  Like, even my fic, which I've been still working on; I'm around 75k and yet I'm like "whatever, not a lot of people read it anyway" and "it isn't like I'm getting paid for it," and I don't know.

I want to disappear.

I wanna talk to Nancy but I can't because the stupid school and its stupid policies.