It is strange; during the day I sometimes feel fine. Like nothing is wrong and things are okay.  Then when it gets later and I'm more...I guess alone, since everyone is sleeping, I feel hollow.  I don't think I'm pretending or anything during the day...but I feel like a shell of a person sometimes.  Is it boredom or apathy or something else?  Am I just so listless because I cannot find the point of doing much of anything right now? 

I did send my paper out again; it will likely be rejected but I mean it at least was sent again. 

Part of me wonders if my listlessness and everything is just...because I feel like I can't think.  A few times I have tried to sit down to write - write my next paper, or even just write fic - and I stare at blank documents and try desperately to pull coherent thoughts out of my head.  It is just...as though everything is foggy.  I feel like it has been like this for a very long time, though sometimes it is worse and other times it is fine (and clearer than usual, I guess).  And I think about how productive and shit I used to be.  How I was able to focus and zone in and think and be creative and I just...am a shell now.

Sometimes I do wonder if my meds have something to do with this.  I try to not think about that too much because then the temptation to just stop taking them will be very strong, despite my knowledge of how that would be an awful idea.  I've joked a few times how I would probably just go crazy if I stopped them, but part of me has begun to question if being whacked out was better for my productivity and creativity.  Maybe then I'd be able to function enough to write a fucking paper or chapter.  Sure, I might have an episode and probably should spare everyone that (so should probably just be like "oh hey I gotta go back all of a sudden"), but would I be able to actually do something beyond just sitting here staring at blank documents before giving up and playing video games or some shit? 

Even my memory has been terrible, though it has been for some time.  I do think that is related to meds, and I just...wish it wasn't.  I wish I could recall things better than I do. 

I'm just...going through motions.  Because stopping to try and do productive things and then being unsuccessful in doing said things is worse than trying to do them in the first place anymore.  It makes me feel terrible, and reminds me of how I've tricked people into thinking I'm smarter and more competent than I actually am.  (Hell, I was looking at job stuff since I should be going on the market in the fall, and I'm just...wondering how I'll get a job with the dismal fucking CV I have in comparison to some of the ones I've seen from others.)

And sometimes people joke about these things - about how I sleep very late and for very long, and how I get caught up in shit that doesn't matter, and stuff like that.  And I laugh, but I know there's truth to them.  I'm unproductive and don't contribute anything.  I can't do much.  Why am I even still here if I can't.


Oh. Recently I opened up my external hard drive because of my wifi issues at my apartment. It's been a while so I took a trip down memory lane, and was surprised to see pics that I had long since thought I deleted.  It was a bit strange seeing his face for the first time in a while, but I got rid of everything of him I saw.

Strangely enough I've been going through my room trying to clear things out and I do still have one thing he gave: a wolf plush.  For some reason I could not get rid of it.  And still don't want to.  It has nothing to do with him, though.  If it did, I would get rid of it.  I just think its cute, and it would feel like I'm abandoning it.

It's been fucking years.

And although I am back to basically accepting my lack of attraction to most people, I do still resent my own mind for making him one of my extremely rare exceptions, and the most important one. (Like, count on one hand without using all fingers rare.)

I try to not think of it much anymore.  But these small trips down memory lane got my mind wandering in unpleasant directions.