I am up past two in the morning because I can't stop thinking about shit.

Today I think I really upset my oldest sister in my attempt to talk about the protests. I'm trying to explain that I am completely on the side of the protests because I have seen too much police brutality and disproportionate responses and lies and so much abuse of power that I cannot be "on both sides." Immediately she got defensive, because I guess to her that was me saying she cannot be worried/cannot say she is worried about her husband, who is a CO. 

Which...was not what I was saying. 

I am trying to explain that basically the whole institution of the police the way that it currently is is a huge problem - it punishes so-called "good cops" for not following orders to basically either brutalize or turn away, while rewarding bad ones with power and zero accountability. The whole "you must back up your fellow officers no matter what" mentality is bad and I cannot understand people who argue against that, truthfully. There is deep institutional racism deep in the police and that is shown every day in the news. To hear people basically pull a "both sides are bad" because they're convinced that: a) there is more looting by the protesters than what is actually happening, and b) that property damage and theft is on the same level as murder and brutality, is frustrating. 

So, you're allowed to be afraid for your husband. (Honestly I wish he was in a different profession.) But it is not right to blame protesters, when the reason people are angry and demanding change is because the police as an institution has eroded any trust and goodwill they may have . (Or rather, their brutality is becoming more apparent thanks to people's ability to take video.)

Any organization that punishes people who try to do good is one that needs to change. People fighting for that change are not bad. They're upset. They have tried over and over and over again for things to change, only to be met with more injustice, especially under the current administration. 

I feel guilty that I upset her. But I then feel guilty for feeling guilty and for wanting to just not talk about it. Being able to run away from the topic is itself a privilege.

My being against the police is not my being against my brother-in-law, or her. It is my being against the racism and white supremacy, tbe brutality, the militarization, the fraternity culture, the lack of accountability, the dismally low level of training, etc. It is my desire for things to be better. Because only when these issues are addressed and reform occurs, public opinion about the police will continue to decline dramatically. 

Only when those things are addressed will those who want to be "good cops," actually be able to do so. 

In semi related news, my mentality has been fucked and mood swings have been bad and I am more articulate on paper than I ever will be while speaking. Basically I have returned to being like "I should go back" because I feel...I don't want to say unwanted, but a nuisance. 

But when I was back, I felt terrible as well. I'm back to wanting to go somewhere new, though with everything happening as well as my continued lack of money, that isn't feasible. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll just...drive somewhere. Nowhere in particular. No destination or anything. Just to clear my head.