I'm supposed to be doing this more again, and every time I open this up I sort of stare at a blank page.  Which has been my story for a while when it comes to writing anything...it's very inconvenient.  I am trying to write an article and I can't ever find the words and I fucking need to, since I plan on job marketing this year and I will never get anything if I have zero articles. 

I'm just sort of...deflated. 

My submission got rejected again and I thought I would bounce back a bit easier but I haven't really.  I think it is because my desperation has hit a very high point and a small setback has me just screaming in my head to the point where I can't think of anything. I recently saw a comic where it portrayed an anxious person who was always thinking about so much and freaking out and then later it was just them blankly staring while their thoughts were just a fuzzy screen.  And that's how I feel. 

Hell, even yesterday I found out my sister is pregnant again and I was...happy in theory? But I didn't feel anything, really. If anything, I felt worse because I did not have the reaction I know I should have had. Like, it is exciting and I'm happy for her especially since she had so much trouble with the twins, but I didn't...feel it. It's hard to describe, but I exited the conversation pretty quickly because I upset myself.

It's like...I can't do anything right to the point where even something like good news is something my mind fucks up somehow.

God even this took so fucking long to write.