So I definitely think these new meds are working as they are supposed to, which basically sort of supports the bipolar diagnosis; it is nice just knowing so that we can tackle it and everything!  I'm moving up to 100 mg on that and going down on the zoloft to 100 mg just to see if maybe I can ween off of that eventually!

But like, things really have improved!  I fixed parts of my game for my second chapter; I'm still working on it, but it is closer to what I will ultimately want, I think!  And I coordinated some of my committee members so we will have a meeting soon to go over it; the last few sessions with my adviser have been 2+ hours (some closing in on 3) so it will be nice to try and hash this thing out with at least two in the same room! 

And after finding out that Callie needed surgery, I did not panic or spiral but instead thought immediately of what I could do to raise the money (the gofundme is close to the goal I set)!  And the other day, when someone stole shit from my car, I was upset but not like...again, spiraling. 

But I've gotten work done and haven't felt like I cannot do anything other than stay in bed.  Sure there have been a few days where I've gotten super sucked into Fallout 4, but that is less me feeling unable to work and so depressed that I need an escape and more just me getting sucked into things I enjoy, as I tend to do.  I also want to try Beachbody on Demand as a way to get back into exercising?  I was doing really well and then stopped and now I have no gym or anything, so maybe I could do that.  That's the company that put out Insanity, which I was committed to, and by having access to everything they have done lets me have some variety in case I am not feeling like doing something super intense due to my mood or tiredness or anything.  I will just need to somehow make the small space in my living room work alright!  (And although I do not have a lot of equipment, I do have 20 and 15 lb kettlebells I could work with in case there are times where I want to do an equipment-needed program.)

The only problem is the nutrition - unfortunately any results will be offset by my diet (I have been looking up some things and apparently it is a new thing in psychiatry - used to be called Selective Eating Disorder and is now called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder and it all sounds so familiar so I'm hesitantly adding that to the list of mental illnesses that I have collected aha).  I've resigned to that but like it still can be frustrating.  I want to eat better but everything sounds so...gross.  Even before I treated myself to Dunkin since I was out and wanted to eat before settling at Barnes and Noble for a bit, I thought about how I'm picky about where I get fresh doughnuts.  Basically, they need to be from Dunkin.  I've had from other places and they are never the way I like them.  I'm not really sure how to describe it.  But I'm like that with a lot of things; the brand is important because different brands taste different to the point where I love one but hate another. 

Anyway, it was just something I was reading up about and found it interesting.

But yeah, I just feel much more productive than usual and things do not feel so damn terrible (personally; in terms of the political discourse things are just....awful).  It's good!  There is a part of me that is hesitant still, like I'm waiting for the turn and for this to go downhill again, but...right now things are good.  And I was told I should write all this down so that if a downturn happens, I could look back and see how much better I am now than I was, and how much I've dealt with and survived for so long. 

Progress!  It is nice.

Please for the love of god do not let this be a placebo thing because I actually am getting shit done today and am talking to people and don't feel like dying.  I would fear it was a hypomanic upswing but maybe it is just the new meds doing their job? 

Please let that be the case please just let this bipolar II diagnosis be correct so that I can focus on treating that bc apparently the zoloft can actually make bipolar stuff worse.

Like I even feel more energetic since being on it ngl but again that might be a placebo thing and I hope it is not. 

Starting a new medication and might be weaning off the zoloft if this works. This one is tailored more for bipolar disorder and I am hoping it helps.

And luckily this one is not known to cause weight gain so that's good too.

I feel like I'm drowning but instead of fighting it anymore I've just accepted the inevitable.

I am finding days blur together or go by so fast that I almost feel like I'm not conscious. It is hard to describe. I did nothing again all day, sadly and pathetically, but like...it felt like time went by so fast. Like I woke up and said I was going to do things and then it was dark out. The day just...went by and I did not notice it. I'm not sure what that means, really, especially since it has been happening more and more frequently.

I have to head down to the Island this weekend since comic con is this weekend but even that I'm kind of...blank about? Like there is no real excitement in me but I guess at this rate that is also normal. I hate that it is but...it is. Rarely do things feel special anymore. I am mostly looking forward to new prints even though I have so many already and I'm poor af. But if I could find a print of Ignis and white-haired Shiro that would be fab.

Sad thing is after I realized how late it was and how I did not do anything, my immediate thought was, "wow you are such a waste of space and resources just end it already you useless sack of garbage." And that sort of thought is just...common enough that I barely react to it anymore. It just sits there. It's weird.

But I hate this unproductivity. And like at this point I wish it was fueled by laziness because that is fixable. Lately I have just been feeling like I cannot do anything about it and I guess I am spiraling and just lying in bed all fucking day.

Sigh. I am a mess.

My frustration with Mathematica (aka - getting up to a part where I was very ??? the entire time) finally has overcome my anxiety about asking people for help and so I was able to send an email to the math department office and chair to see if any of them knew the program and would be willing to help me.

I will probably need to go in with an attempt at my game solution (even though I am still very "I have no idea how to program this") so that they could help me with that specifically, which means I need to...do...that.


Oh, and while I'm at it I should finally read the reviews for my paper that got rejected.  Sigh, I've been avoiding that for too long.

For some reason my brain decided to give me an ex-related dream recently and it was...strange.  I mean I didn't feel anything other than annoyance when I woke up, which was at least good.  Don't remember exactly what it was about, but I hate the fact that they still happen, even if they are sporadic and rare now. 


I need to get paid I am running very low on money after paying my rent today. 


Lately my brain feels...mushy; I can neither focus nor think about much.  Like my mind is just blank and the times I can think and focus are short and fleeting.  And I have zero drive still to do anything; I know laying around most days is not normal for most people.  Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm not depressed anymore because I don't feel that sucking sadness but then I think about the things I do and how I spend many days in bed and that gives me a bit of a wake up call.

My new psychiatrist wants to revisit the bipolar disorder question - she said it would be type II if I did have it, which is depression-based with hypomania episodes where you are super productive.  When I said that this started probably a few years ago - this tendency of mine to sprint through my work in 2 weeks and then have periods of heavy inactivity and depression - she told me that bipolar disorder usually manifests/matures during a person's mid-twenties, so it would fit.  She did not want to rush anything though, so we're meeting again sooner than usual to talk more about things. 

A shallow fear of mine about going to a new medication would be the possibility of further weight gain.  I know these sorts of meds do that, as I've already had to deal with that and it still bothers me.  I think I have plateaued at least by now, but still...it's annoying.  Constantly having to think about getting new clothes and shit is upsetting and I hate it.  Even when I was working out regularly, I felt like nothing showed - I felt stronger and everything and that was nice, but it was frustrating to see little to no change in how I looked. 

Again, I know it is shallow.  I know I should not care because it is gross of me to think that way.  And it wouldn't stop me from trying a mood stabilizer if that was the direction we would go but it is a fear.


I was going to write more but I can't focus which basically has been the story of my goddamn life.