Another rejection.

Sigh.

Does the paper just suck or what I keep getting reviews like "oh this is interesting just not suitable for here because of xyz reasons."

I'm sad and tired.

Luckily this last one said that I should look towards journals specializing in industrial organization and managerial economics.  I'm not familiar with economics journals, however, so I'll have to spend today doing some research.  Though I am extremely tired, which I blame on my wack-ass sleep schedule, two dogs who decide to wake me super early and then not really want me to go back to sleep, being depressed, and not really eating.  Even now I'm not hungry and I haven't had anything today yet and barely had a dinner last night.

I really was hoping this last one would at least give me and R&R but I got a desk reject in one day.  That's like a fucking record my paper must be that bad.  (And if the paper is that bad the chapter is shit too, I suppose.)

Maybe I should go back to thinking about non-academic jobs because apparently I cannot function at research despite my being able to teach well, supposedly.  I still need to finish and get the degree I've almost died for but...

Who knows.  I don't.  I'm sad.

So my manuscript got rejected but I wasn't too surprised by that since it was at one of the top 3 and I think it's been going to the wrong group of people...I've been having trouble figuring out the category to put this thing under and so its been going to like...hardcore methodologists.  And it is definitely not something for them (it isn't advanced enough and isn't really advancing the actual use of game theory), so I'm hoping the next journal will be better since it is about the merging of economic theory and political science which is...my entire dissertation.

I am trying to do my syllabus also, and I'm still having some difficulties fully deciding on the schedule but I think I'm closing in on something.  I just want to do something that they will enjoy and also learn from...for some reason I'm very anxious about it.  It might be because I have a lot of repeaters so they have a certain expectation that I am afraid of not living up to.

(It is about to storm here hopefully I don't lose power.)

(I totally did and my sister's dog is freaking out because he doesn't like storms so I'll finish thoughts later.)

I have a lot of weird thoughts running back and forth through my head right now; I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it all but it's like...they are racing.  It's weird.  I was told I should try to actually write instead of type but I don't have the proper notebook and I'm just not in the mood to handwrite.

So I'm visiting friend in Wisconsin and met up with another HS friend whom I haven't spoken to in years.  It was...odd.  Like, it wasn't bad, but I felt very disconnected the whole time.  Like I was watching two people from the outside and unable to penetrate the veil that surrounded them.  And it isn't like they made me feel that way.  I just...did.  Maybe I wanted things to be like they were and they weren't, or something?  I don't know.  My ability to make connections with people is very weak - which isn't unusual for me, but sort of weirdly smacked me in the face today - and my thoughts spiraled into thinking about my isolation (which is largely self-imposed; I know I am too comfortable with it) and wondering if...I'll just keep losing connections.  It felt weird, hearing about their productive lives and friendships.  I'm not unhappy for them, it's more...I felt alien?  Like those things are out of reach for me and I felt an unnecessary pang of jealousy because of it.  'Why can't you be that productive?  While they work and contribute to society, you sleep and stare at the wall blankly and remain a waste of space.' 

(And, of course, the exit option always becomes a fantasy in these situations.  So.  There's that.)

Weirdly, I talked about (to friend I'm visiting, not other HS friend) the ex in some detail for the first time in...a while.  I think it was brought up in a 'first love is someone you'll always think about' and I said "yeah, unfortunately."  Because fuck, he does still pop up into my head and even now I just want to expunge him from my memory.  I brought up some things that I hadn't even told her - about how I should have seen signs of what was to come while I was abroad.  Certain possessive behaviors and guilt-trips that were weaponized so effectively that I could not bring myself to experience certain things because it would upset him.  Which is bullshit, as I know now, but.  I felt sad.  And it didn't help that I was away.  I'm not good at keeping in touch with people continuously - if I had been home, I would have been able to relay some of these behaviors to close friends of mine.  Maybe they would have seen signs.  But I wasn't.  I was alone in a new country and he was who I spoke with every day.  And I had to speak with him every day.  I spent more than I should while in Rome on texting (I only had a British plan, not an international one) because he "couldn't handle" me not talking to him for the 5 days I spent there.  I remember getting sexually harassed and grabbed and going to my dorm and having a panic attack and he somehow made that about him?  Like he wasn't there to protect me.  Like I needed him there to keep an eye on me.

So many other things that I should have realized, but I was too blind to see it and too isolated to learn.

I still do get bitter about the fact that he was one of my two 'exceptions' in terms of feeling...something. 

I don't think about him actively so much but once in a while...things just remind me and I'm pulled back, staring at the version of me whose mind was shattered and wanting to curse her and hug her at the same time.  My own issues did not help anything, and I know I've said in the past that I think my own depression and sadness leaking through the mask is something that spurred his eventual non-interest in me.

I write a lot of fiction about manipulative and psychologically damaging relationships because of this.  I always was sort of interested in that sort of dark shit but I found it cathartic to experience it through a lens that I could control.  I really should get back to doing that.  It was nice and I think it might help me feel...less dead than I sometimes do.  Not all the time.  Mostly when I'm around my nieces I feel alive...but other times when I know I should feel more than I do or more connections it is just...emptiness.

At least when I was writing I had connections to the characters I wrote through.  Not sure how healthy that is but...it was still something.

I wrote this on twit and I know I've expressed this before but

Days that are meant to be 'special' just do not feel like that anymore. I'm not sure if that is a sign of me getting older or if it is my own mental state, but it makes me feel somewhat empty.

Like my birthday passed and...well my sister remembered it before I did.

And idk I was thinking about it instead of sleeping and the emptiness is sort of getting to me. Even though I was surrounded by fam, which keeps me in reality and is very nice, thinking about how the day felt so...un-special (it's late, shhh) has sort of hit me with a deep sadness.

I have a lot I should write about (a good thing: manuscript has been submitted again but this time its it's better) and I'm supposed to but Batman has taken over my life. The Arkham series has rekindled a long lost love I had.

I have been feeling resentful lately in terms of...how I'm constantly pushed aside once friends have significant others. Because I start wondering if I'm expected to have one in order to continue seeing my friends (because I guess you need to be in pairs or some shit idk I'm tired of wanting to hang out with just friend and they bring their SO without telling me). And I really am not interested; I have said ex was the unfortunate exception to my normal "I just don't feel romantic (or attracted to, for the most part) towards anyone," and that's still true. So it is annoying to have these stupid thoughts.

I'm on mobile otherwise maybe I'd write more.