Super glad we began 2020 with this shit.  So happy remembering how people told me in 2016 that "both choices were equally bad." So. Happy.


Truthfully, my emotional reaction is probably not as strong as it 'should' be, but mood stabilizers + cynicism/pessimism (sometimes bordering on semi-nihilism at this point) is a pretty strong combination.  Like.  I'm not...surprised.  I'm just exhausted.  And I'm tired of people blindly following and praising a fucking psychopathic sexual predator and manchild who reacts before he fucking thinks.


I've been sick in bed all week, which sucks because I came back early to do actual work and have done...nothing.  I haven't even been able to read articles or write for fun or anything.  (I have been on twit with the discourse more than I should be, but shit went down.)

I won't be able to say all that is on my mind right now simply because I'm typing on my phone and it is more cumbersome.

But - I started talking about this on my twit - I feel like the knowledge that we are entering a new decade should impact me more than it is. It just...feels like any other day. Days which are meant to be special just...don't anymore. I sometimes wonder if that is because I'm getting older or if it is because my depression is just so rooted in me that I just feel so little when it comes to shit like this. 

And I think about the fact that I am going to be 30 this year and how...I feel like I've done nothing. I feel like a waste of space, who cannot seem to get her shit in order. People tell me that I do, or that I will, but I guess I've fooled them enough to think that. I don't know. I want to believe them. But I also just. 

I don't know.