So this past week has been kind of awful, mood-wise.  To the point where when I talked to Nancy this week I ended up crying a bit because I've just been feeling miserable and sad and like I'm a worthless sack of shit and that my status quo is to be sad and down and that brief moments of happiness will leave as quickly as they come.

Despite her telling me that I'm awesome and that she wishes I could see that, I just feel awful most of the time.  Like I'm doing everything wrong, and I feel so out of control that I don't want to even bother expending the energy to do things because I'm convinced that the result is going to be terrible.  Why bother trying if it is just going to be shit anyway?

Even eating has been weird...a lot of eating out because I can't even spend the energy to put things in the oven most of the time anymore.  Which sucks, especially since my weight still hasn't gone down or anything and I still feel like a giant sack of shit because of being heavier and not as muscular despite working out.

And I'm in Middletown for the service for my cousin who committed suicide and I can't help but partially envy her, as fucking awful as that sounds.  Because she took the plunge that I at times really want to take but haven't and probably will not.  But that peace and nothingness sounds far more appealing than my miserable status quo.

Though, it is selfish of me to be thinking of my own problems while up here to mourn her.

Heh, I'm such an awful person most of the time.

Well Blogger, it has been a while.

Really, the only new thing that has been going on in my life is that roommate M and I are planning on starting a webcomic with some old characters that we rediscovered and fell in love with again.  When I told Nancy she got super excited because it sounded like something I would like and also it would be nice to have something to work on other than academic things.

Obviously, she is going to take care of the drawing; I'm doing most of the writing and probably going to be maintaining the website and all that fun stuff.  Which is great!

Not sure when we are going to get it running but we have a charahub and I have things written in a notebook and I'm really excited about it.  It is nice to have something creative to do again.


I did go to Y&G this past weekend, and while it was nice seeing people and getting away from Bing, I'm also feeling like my usefulness in being there has...waned, so to speak.  I'm not one of the...I think 5-6 lawyers who are advisors now, so I kind of get pushed to the side.  It makes sense, but I just wish that I could be of more help?  Especially when I was begged to show up.

(Oh, and I went to the Capitol dressed in jeans because lawl academics have no nice clothes.  Also because I'm bigger than any of my nice clothes now due to weight gain from meds and stuff.  Blah.)


I'm making some decent progress on my prospectus, I think, but I've been slowing down.  I think it is because I need a substantial break to recharge.  Hell, even today I wasn't feeling great, but still probably could have gone in to class and stuff.  Instead, though, because I was unprepared due to feeling a bit burned out, I cancelled everything and cleaned stuff at home.

I have midterms and papers to grade on top of my own work and it just all seems kind of daunting at the moment.

I wanted to do work during my office hours this morning but it is so fucking cold in this office right now and I can't deal with it.

Also I'm slowly making a theory and prospectus, and I have finally settled on an advisor and a committee (though I still need signatures from 2 of 3), so that is good.

I did go to a career coach earlier in the week, and he gave me an exercise to do, so I might do that at some point.  I really need to.

Really, I do need to sit down and write something substantial in here again; I've been feeling kind of empty and stuff but I guess that's nothing too new?  I would write now but again...the cold is kind of making it difficult for me, not going to lie.  I'm pretty sure the problem is that our office doesn't get heat which is bullshit.

And I would move to the computer lab but I still have office hours until 1; I had a student tell me yesterday he was going to show up but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't, honestly.