I either need to return to 150 mg of zoloft or figure out a way to deal with menstrual cycle bullshit because that is when I get most fucked up and it sucks big time.  Last time I was here, I did end up going outside in around 20 degree weather in just my tank top and sweatpants and just...sat on the ground.  Well...deck, technically.  But I sat there and zoned out and kept repeating just...words to myself.  Observations, actually.  "Trees...fence...leaves...flowers..." Basically just that over and over again while pulling apart leaves and breaking icicles. 

It only ended when my dad found me and grabbed a blanket from inside (because he originally asked if I wanted to go in and I said no) and pleaded with me and so I did.  I did not feel very cold, but he said I was shivering so...maybe I just did not feel it because of the weird disassociating thing that was happening. 

A big part of me was upset because a friend of mine whom I rarely get to see was home and like...sometimes it feels like I'm not important enough to make time for.  But I know that isn't true deep down; her family sort of hoards her and fills up all of her time (whenever we're both on the Island, my parents joke about me getting into her schedule for an hour - which honestly isn't really a joke when I think about it).  And her parents can be...much.  I've known them my whole life practically and I love them but they can be a bit overwhelming and make her feel guilty about things and not really want her to go out.  Which isn't fair for her and isn't fair for me - I want to see her too; she is like my fourth sister and I never get any time in.  I wish she would tell them she is an adult and can like...go out with me to lunch or something for an hour or and hour and a half, but...I cannot really tell her to do that.  It is just frustrating.

And I'm told its something I should expect by now.  And I do.  But it doesn't make it any less upsetting when it happens. 

Also, I'm once again dealing with the realization that my not being part of a couple might have excluded me from things.  I usually don't care, because...well I like doing nothing, especially during depressive episodes, but it is sometimes when friends dance around the fact that they are hanging out elsewhere that gets me.  Friends got together one recent weekend in Rhode Island since that is where someone works now (his ass, unlike mine, actually worked and finished the damn degree).  So it was two couples with my good friends being one part of each.  I had a...stupid moment that weekend where I locked myself out of my apartment and one of those friends has a spare.  When I called him he like...was weird about where he was.  All he said was that he was "really far away."  I didn't press it because it doesn't matter - I'm not interrogating him and shit.  Later I found out he was in RI and stuff and it weirdly stung - not that he was in RI but more that he felt he could not tell me that.  As if it was some secret thing that I'm not allowed to know about or go to. 

Is it because I'm not part of a couple?

That's annoying to think about.  I don't want to be part of a couple.  Firstly, I feel no need to be part of one again.  Tried it once, it didn't work.  Besides, I don't see people in a romantic light around 99% of the time.  Again, back to that age old question of "what is Allie's sexuality because it is definitely not straight but not exactly bi but not exactly ace or aro because things can rarely happen so who the fuck knows anymore."  I try to not give it too much agonizing thought anymore. 

Secondly, even if I did want to be part of a couple, my mind right now is not in any place for it.  Not only am I trying to finish this dissertation and so do not need even more distractions in my life, but I'm a mess of a human being.  I've been officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and most recently bipolar II.  And then on top of that I probably deal with a certain degree of trichotillomania (which I don't really talk about simply because it is embarrassing especially since it is not head hair that I pull out) and apparently there is an eating disorder called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder which almost perfectly describes my shitty eating habits and idiosyncrasies.  I'm afraid to ask about that too because it seems relatively new and I'm still like "is this it or am I just super picky and trying to justify it."  When I read the part about it saying that people with it would rather go hungry than eat something they dislike, I just flashbacked to all the times I was at like...a conference or something and was so hungry but kept telling people I was not because the food options were not to my liking.  A lot of bread would be consumed (depending on the type of bread).  That's just the tip of the iceberg; I could write an article about my weird food habits.

But regardless, I shouldn't have to be part of a couple to have people not tiptoe around me.  It's weird.  It makes me feel like they are pitying me and my situation, despite how many times I say I do not want a SO.  Do people just not believe me?  It isn't like I talk about it much or go out or anything. 

And I hate thinking about being part of a couple not only because of my natural aversion to it, but also because it makes me think of the time I was part of one.  Sure, while I can think about it now without getting super upset, it is more like...since that was the exception and not the rule, who knows if that will ever happen again.  I'm fine with that.  I just hate that the ex was the exception.  That is frustrating.  I've only ever been in love once and it was wasted.  (There was one other time that was like...close to it but it was a week-long summer not-romance romance thing so it obviously went nowhere.)  This isn't a dramatic "I'll never love againnnn!!11" moment spurred on by that particular experience, though.  It is just me recognizing that I don't see people that way most of the time.  Again, ex was the exception, not the rule.

Anyway, I think I went on a weird tangent there. 


Callie has been doing well since her surgery, though now I need to figure out things to prevent her stones from returning.  Apparently she'll now need regular checkups to check on her urine and all, and then a diet change to a prescription one is recommended (which will sadly be very expensive for me so I might need to like...buy a bag and mix it with her food now and see if that is okay), and also try and increase her water intake in order to prevent UTIs.  I'm looking up water fountains for dogs because she does like drinking from running water (minus the hose because I usually spray with that for fun).  I could wait until Christmas to get it for her as a present but I probably should get it sooner rather than later.

Apartment has had a bunch of issues with heat recently, but I'm too tired to get into it right now.  Maybe tomorrow. 

I think I need to go back up on the zoloft.

Because having a mini mental breakdown over cancelled plans and being told I cannot eat in my room upstairs (even though I have done it before many times and am...28) is kind of an overreaction.

Gonna go stand outside in the freezing cold to reboot or something idk but I want to be cold.