I have a really weird anxiety about cooking while other people are around, for some reason.
Even if it is just me putting stuff in the oven, I tend to dislike when I do it in front of people, especially people I don't know very well.
Like, I can cook stuff in front of family, sure, but for some reason I get weird about it even with my roommates.
Like, one of my roommates has people over right now and I'm having a weird crisis because I need to eat dinner but my anxiety is just flaring and saying that I can't make anything in front of them.
Ahhhhhh.
It's weird.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Sunday, October 16, 2016
A lot has been going on.
I've been really busy with the Dean's office, so much that it has kind of put my own work on hold. I was supposed to have a good chunk of my paper written already and it is unfortunately still in outline stage. I'll have to try and whip up something by Wednesday to show my adviser...
NYCC was a blast! I found a print of Simon which I wasn't expecting and he's my fave AA character so I threw money at the artist immediately.
Unfortunately lately I've been extremely tired. Like, I get 8+ hours of sleep and I wake up feeling like I only got like...3. It has put a pin in my overall productivity that I would like to get back.
It might have to do slightly with the fact that I've been feeling emotionally drained. My friend's fiance is...well he's a piece of shit. We've all become aware of some things that have come to light and I have been trying to help out my friend as much as possible. And I'll continue to do so, gladly...my only concern is that he seems as though he is going to leave and then I find out that he isn't because his fiance is a textbook manipulator and is great at pulling his strings.
Like the whole situation reminds me of my situation with my ex. Except my ex had the decency to not get back together with me - the one thing I am grateful for in that whole shitstorm that occurred between us.
But everything he is saying just screams emotional abuse to me, and I feel like I'm staring at myself from 5 (4??) years ago, begging her not to succumb to the love in her heart. And it hurts so much because I know what it feels like to be in the situation he is in (for the most part, there are some things that have occurred that I cannot truly understand). To want to help your partner and love them and feel like you need to be there for them. That what you want and what you need comes second, because you are the one who is "doing better" when that isn't even accurate.
You want to stay because you have become convinced that this is the best you'll ever do.
You want to stay because you love them, even if all they do is hurt you.
You don't want to let go, because you have an idealistic vision of who they are in your head. One that they crafted before showing their true selves. And you think that if you can just get through this, that vision will return.
But it won't. Because it doesn't exist.
And I'm torn.
Because I understand what it is like to feel all those emotions and to want to listen to them.
But I also know that it does get better eventually.
I have had depression for a long time, and yes, a good chunk of issues stemmed from my failed relationship with the ex. But that wasn't all of it. Grad school, my own perfectionism and unattainable standards...they all contributed as well.
But my want and need for the ex eventually disappeared.
Do scars remain? Yeah, no doubt. Am I still afraid of certain things because of what I went through with him? Absolutely.
But for now, I'm content with being single again. It took a while, but I'm here.
So when I see my friend constantly talk about "working things out" with his fiance, even though I know that these things will not work out like that...it is just extremely painful to watch.
If I have to be the voice that counters the one his fiance is most likely saying, then I will be.
I can't tell him what to do, but I can at least do that, I suppose.
I just want him to be happy, and staying in a relationship that is emotionally abusive will never allow that to occur.
I've been really busy with the Dean's office, so much that it has kind of put my own work on hold. I was supposed to have a good chunk of my paper written already and it is unfortunately still in outline stage. I'll have to try and whip up something by Wednesday to show my adviser...
NYCC was a blast! I found a print of Simon which I wasn't expecting and he's my fave AA character so I threw money at the artist immediately.
Unfortunately lately I've been extremely tired. Like, I get 8+ hours of sleep and I wake up feeling like I only got like...3. It has put a pin in my overall productivity that I would like to get back.
It might have to do slightly with the fact that I've been feeling emotionally drained. My friend's fiance is...well he's a piece of shit. We've all become aware of some things that have come to light and I have been trying to help out my friend as much as possible. And I'll continue to do so, gladly...my only concern is that he seems as though he is going to leave and then I find out that he isn't because his fiance is a textbook manipulator and is great at pulling his strings.
Like the whole situation reminds me of my situation with my ex. Except my ex had the decency to not get back together with me - the one thing I am grateful for in that whole shitstorm that occurred between us.
But everything he is saying just screams emotional abuse to me, and I feel like I'm staring at myself from 5 (4??) years ago, begging her not to succumb to the love in her heart. And it hurts so much because I know what it feels like to be in the situation he is in (for the most part, there are some things that have occurred that I cannot truly understand). To want to help your partner and love them and feel like you need to be there for them. That what you want and what you need comes second, because you are the one who is "doing better" when that isn't even accurate.
You want to stay because you have become convinced that this is the best you'll ever do.
You want to stay because you love them, even if all they do is hurt you.
You don't want to let go, because you have an idealistic vision of who they are in your head. One that they crafted before showing their true selves. And you think that if you can just get through this, that vision will return.
But it won't. Because it doesn't exist.
And I'm torn.
Because I understand what it is like to feel all those emotions and to want to listen to them.
But I also know that it does get better eventually.
I have had depression for a long time, and yes, a good chunk of issues stemmed from my failed relationship with the ex. But that wasn't all of it. Grad school, my own perfectionism and unattainable standards...they all contributed as well.
But my want and need for the ex eventually disappeared.
Do scars remain? Yeah, no doubt. Am I still afraid of certain things because of what I went through with him? Absolutely.
But for now, I'm content with being single again. It took a while, but I'm here.
So when I see my friend constantly talk about "working things out" with his fiance, even though I know that these things will not work out like that...it is just extremely painful to watch.
If I have to be the voice that counters the one his fiance is most likely saying, then I will be.
I can't tell him what to do, but I can at least do that, I suppose.
I just want him to be happy, and staying in a relationship that is emotionally abusive will never allow that to occur.
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