Usually my mom says goodnight to me when I'm home.

Today I kind of called her out on something about the protests (basically she got very 'as soon as people start looting, it loses the message and everyone should be arrested blah blah blah' and I was like '...please no').  I didn't get nasty or anything, but I didn't like something she said and told her to not just take the mass media outlets at their word, since there is a lot of brutality not being shown and that it is focused too much on the whole "people are looting" narrative, which is overall bullshit.  (Not in that there's no one doing it, but that a lot of it has been linked to groups outside the protesters - sometimes even the cops themselves, particularly for property damage - and that it is unfair to keep talking about that rather than the very important message of the realities of racial injustice and inequality and the white supremacy that is rooted within the police and the justice system.  I didn't go into all that, but that's really what I was thinking of.  Though I also don't care at all if people loot a Target or Walmart lol they're big fucking international corporations who don't pay their fair share of taxes they'll fucking survive.) 

Anyway yeah I did basically just say something and then my sister and I sort of talked about some of the brutality we've seen on videos from people who are protesting and shit, though this was later and while we were in the kitchen with no one else. 

Regardless, I did not get a goodnight tonight and I don't know if I am reading too much into it and I hope I am because I'll be...disappointed.  And sad.

Like, I'm sort of again wondering if I should have stayed at my apartment...

It's strange; I go to my apartment, and after a few days feel like I should leave.  I come to my parents' house, and after a week, I feel like I should leave.  It's sort of like...feeling lost.  That's basically my default state of mind, just feeling like I don't belong anywhere anymore.  Again wishing that I could just run to somewhere new, but knowing I don't have the resources. 

I mean, if all goes well I will finally be able to look for actual faculty positions soon, and who knows, maybe something will happen.  (I have been thinking about once again expanding my search - I kept saying I only wanted the northeast, but with everything going on, I might look to some non-U.S. places as well.)

Writing in this is cathartic and I often forget that.  Hence why I only come back to it every once in a while.